MB MSG Bilko
[Bilko and Henshaw are playing golf in the middle of the base, and try to bet on where the ball will land]
$20 says I can hit the parking lot.
PFC Wally Holbrook I don't gamble.
B Bilko
What is it you do?
Holbrook Permission to speak -
B Bilko
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
Holbrook I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.
B Bilko
Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?
MAJ Ebersole [Bilko and Wally are visiting MAJ Ebersole's facility, where the experimental hover tank is being kept]
No, it'll hover. But as before, it will go completely haywire if we attempt to [remembers earlier test] - fire the cannon.
MB MSG Bilko
We know that. We just need a couple of hours with it. [to Wally] Let's get started.
Ebersole Wait, wait! This is a $70-million piece of equipment! You think I'm gonna just let one of your men mess around with it? I think not.
B Bilko
[Unconcerned]
Mm. Hmm. [Takes out a few pieces of paper, and starts patting his forehead with them] Oh, boy- is it hot in here or what? Oh, wait, what's this? It's the IOU's from the poker game!
Ebersole Would you like to use my tools? [Bilko tears the papers]
MAJ Thorn [Bilko has rigged a demonstration of the HTX-1 Hovertank, showing it off to members of Congress, various dignitaries, and an Army general and his staff. MAJ Thorn notices the rigged demonstration and gets up to say something to General Tennyson.]
Wait! The demonstration was rigged!
MB MSG Bilko
[Hurrying Tennyson away from Thorn]
Ah! Do I see politics in your future, sir? Perhaps a run at the Oval Office?
GEN Tennyson You know, I've never really given that serious consideration-
Thorn [Catching up with them]
Wait! General, he faked it! Didn't you see? The gun was aimed at Target Three, but they blew up Target Four!
Tennyson Yes, I did.
B Bilko
Well, you remember Einstein's theory, sir- space is curved?
Tennyson Yes.
B Bilko
And these are smart weapons. Whoosh! [Makes cutting motions with his hand, indicating the shot changed course.]
Thorn Oh, cut the crap! He faked it! It's just another one of his scams!
Tennyson That's a serious charge. Colonel, what about this?
CH COL Hall
Well, General, I must tell you, in all my years in the service, I have never- not once- publicly berated a fellow officer. But I realize now, from the very first moment Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter, he engaged in a personal vendetta against Master Sergeant Bilko. I find his conduct inexcusable, and [walks towards Thorn] I'm going to recommend an Article 32 investigation.
Tennyson I see.
Thorn You don't understand. He doesn't know what's going on, he never knows what's going on! This sergeant leads him around by the nose!
Tennyson [Shocked]
Major! You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met!
MAJ Thorn I'm telling you... [Grabs Hall] he's a BOOB! He doesn't get it! They faked the whole thing!
Tennyson I'd like to see just [pinches fingers] one piece of solid evidence, to support these idiotic allegations!
Thorn Idiotic. How's this for idiotic!? [Pulls a part of the tank's electronics out of his pocket] The Fire Control and Super Elevator Board! I took it out last night; so how can it work? [Tennyson and the rest of the crowd are stunned at Thorn's admission; embarrassed, Thorn tries to hide the board]
So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major.
B Bilko
[Producing a tape recorder]
I got it all on tape. Lucky!
