Most scenes together: Tom Baker & Kate Baker (7), Tom Baker & Sarah (7), Tom Baker & Mark (5)
How many? Well, when you get over here we can just count 'em up! (Next call) How many kids do I have? Twelve. But one doesn't live with me, and one you never see 'cause he's so mad! (Next call) Just... just... just twelve. (Next call) Hello! I'll just hang up on myself.
Hey, Dad, what I said before, I was out of line.
Forget it. You were right.
Knock much?
You got kicked off the football team!
Well, then look who decided to be a parent!
Let's check that attitude, Charlie!
I don't fit in this town, Dad. I'm going back to Midland.
You are not dropping out of school, and you are not walking out on this family!
What family? [scoffs] Since we've moved here, everybody's been looking out for number one, especially you and Mom.
Your mother and I are doing what we think is best for everyone!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You did not take this coaching job for us! You took it because you were a loser in college while Shake was out there being a superstar! If you want your shot at glory, Dad, if you wanna have it all, you do what you gotta do! But quit feeding us this line about being a happier and stronger family! This move was about you! And you know what? I don't have to sit here and pay the price of your life choices! I'm leaving!
You're staying.
Are you gonna make me?
Charlie, I love you. And I want you to have the best life that you can have. And that means you're getting a diploma.
When I graduate, I'm gone.
Mom, listen up. Here's the sizzle. Okay, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown. Charlie's like a half a step away from juvie, and Mark's...
Okay, Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later. Here we go. I just wanna get everything ready. What's the deal with Charlie?
Fine, thanks. How are you?
I'm sorry, hi.
Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.
What?
Don't worry, I'm handling it.
President Gerhard Tom.
Shake Tom, we need a minute.
President Gerhard The university is prepared to make a huge investment in the program, but we want some assurances.
What does that mean?
Shake We wanna know that you're committed to the football program.
President Gerhard You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.
Shake So, what's it gonna be, Tom?
Tom, honey, didn't you pick up my dry-cleaning?
Yes, dear, it's in the front closet.
Shake Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
The wife's name is Kate, Shake.
Nigel What a wiener.
Shake We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.
It totally sucks. I miss you too, but, I mean, I've gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. Okay, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know that I haven't been very friendly recently. [to Hank] They are pulling me in again!
Just tell them you can't do it.
Could you guys hold on a second? [to Hank] That's easy for you to say! You're an only child! It might be fun to babysit together.
No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened the last time we visited.
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
They set me on fire.
Just your pants.
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And sure, last time, it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs! I know that! I'm man enough to admit it!
Please? Please, please, please, please?
Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! You always do that to me. Fine, fine, you know what? We'll go. But I'll tell you what. One thing happens and I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
No, no way. No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room while she's here. Isn't that sweet? No.
Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics. All right, bye. [hangs up the phone]
Tell me that Mister Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too!
Yes, he very well might be, young lady!
And do not set his pants on fire again!
Yes.
Classic.
Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
Mike First, Dad forces us to move.
Then Mom decides to become a career person and like, travel the globe.
Jessica And now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?
And he hates kids, too.
Jessica Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.
We've got 48 hours. Let's work up a plan.
Kids, on the carpet! Now!
Dad! College guys?
What's going on here?
Where's Charlie?
He went to Midland for the day.
Midland? It's a school day.
Henry He hates school.
Course you couldn't know that 'cause you're never home.
Well, that is about to change, Sarah Baker. Because since I can't go to work without you guys getting in trouble, and since I can't stay home without Shake bugging me, I have brought my work home with me. Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.
What's up, boys?
What's up?
Okay, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do. I don't want any interruptions unless it's an emergency. Clear? Okay, now go do your homework. Let's go, guys.
What's this?
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet, chief. Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
Whoa.
I just... I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it.
Well, what can I say? You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York. Do you remember that? Mr. I Can Handle It. "Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate! Go!" Help me, would you?
So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
No. I want a lot of things. So do you. That's the problem.
This isn't working.
Yeah, that's my point.
I meant the zipper.
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
Fine.
Fine. Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day, but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces. Everything's great. We're a big, happy family. If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Mom, Beans is dead!
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!
All right! Hey!
Stop! Stop! Oprah is coming!
What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2 Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Children?
Leave him alone!
Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark.
Nobody cares about me!
What? What are you talking about? I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!
Oh, no, none of that!
Hey! Hey!
No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
Why am I the only normal person in this family?
Did I mention I don't like you very much?
Yeah, you mentioned that.
Then I'm good.
It's getting so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.
Dude two words: need new skates.
Dude three words: Paper route. (computer receives a message. Reads Nora's message) "Hi, can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment. Love, Nora."
Have you seen Beans, Mom?
No.
Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
Yes!
Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with your food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist appointment at 3:00, so you're going to work with Dad.
Yeah! (yell)
Have you seen my frog, Dad?
Sorry, Charlie... er, Nigel... Kyle.
It's Mark.
I knew that.
Mom, Beans is dead.
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
Don't you dare call him that!
All right! Hey!
Stop! Stop!
What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2 Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.
All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Chil...?
Leave him alone!
Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark.
Nobody cares about me!
What are you talking about?!
Nigel Come on, Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle Take it like a MAN!
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
They just set me on fire.
Just your pants.
Sure, last time, it was my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is how I get the jobs!
