Tom Baker You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Most-quoted character in Cheaper by the Dozen (2003): in 23 of its 28 quotes
Most scenes with: Kate Baker (7), Sarah (7), Mark (5)
How many? Well, when you get over here we can just count 'em up! (Next call) How many kids do I have? Twelve. But one doesn't live with me, and one you never see 'cause he's so mad! (Next call) Just... just... just twelve. (Next call) Hello! I'll just hang up on myself.
More lines from Tom Baker
6 quotes Tom Baker Tom Baker All right, enough is enough! You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control! As of this moment, you are all grounded!
Tom Baker What's grounded?! I'll tell you what grounded is, except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your chores, you do your homework, you go to bed, and that's it!!
Tom Baker Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break!
Tom Baker If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much.
Tom Baker You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
Scenes with Tom Baker
16 scenes Tom You were checking me out, weren't you?
Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?
Tom Twelve kids later and we still got the heat!
Whoo!
Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
Yes!
Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with your food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist appointment at 3:00, so you're going to work with Dad.
Nigel and Kyle
Yeah! (yell)
Tom (yells)
Tina Shenk Is Jake your only child?
Oh, no. We have 12.
Tom I couldn't keep her off me.
Did I mention I don't like you very much?
Tom Yeah, you mentioned that.
Then I'm good.
Have you seen my frog, Dad?
Tom Sorry, Charlie... er, Nigel... Kyle.
It's Mark.
Tom I knew that.
Tom (On the phone)
Hello, my name is Tom Baker and I'm interested in hiring a domestic helper...I have twelve children. (Pause) Actually I am serious. (Later calling another housekeeper) Just twelve...(Different call) Twelve...(Calling another babysitter) There is only two...uh...plus ten. (Another call) Well, there's twelve but one doesn't live with me and another you will never see because he is so mad! (Another call) How many kids? Well how about when you get here let's count them up? (Later) UHH...A dozen?! (He scratches off about 25 babysitting businesses and hangs his phone up about 10 times; later on a call) Just...just twelve. (Another call) Hello? I'll just hang up on myself...(He angrily hangs up his phone and bows his head in frustration)
Tom [Tom has the kids gathered in the living room for having fights at school and not doing any chores around the house] [angrily]
All right, enough is enough. You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded.
Mike What's grounded?
Tom What's grounded? I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed, and that's it.
But that--
Tom Oh, yes, Sarah, I know, that sucks, but that's the way it is!
Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?
Tom That's exactly what it means.
Kim But we bought his presents already!
Tom YOU ARE GOING TO MISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [the kids are shocked into silence] Now, go to bed! [he Baker kids head their rooms, upset]
Tom [to Football players]
Get my kids and meet me at the house. Ready? Break!
Tom [The football players begin to catch the Baker kids, one by one, and Tom sees Sarah in the bounce house]
Sarah Baker! Off now!
No way!
Tom Don't make me come up there!
Person in the bounce house
[Sarah becomes shocked about her father trying to catch her in the bounce house and Tom goes into the bounce house to catch her, but ends up failing to catch her and the football players knock someone with an air tank and the air tank presses on the bounce house, causing it to over-inflate. Tom realizes the bounce house is about to explode]
Oh, my God! It's gonna blow!
Dylan [The bounce house explodes as Tom, Sarah and the other people are launched into the air. The football players catch Sarah and the other kids. Dylan sees Tom falling towards him and screams as Tom lands on him, offscreen. Cut to Dylan being carried on a gurney at the hospital, with a black eye, chipped tooth and broken arm]
It was my best birthday ever, Coach.
Tina
[angrily]
Your children are never playing with Dylan again!
Tom Sorry about your arm, Dylan.
Tom (As Tina and Dylan head to the Hospital room and leave Tom, Tom hears his cell phone and gets a call from Shake)
Hello, Shake.
Shake Any idea what this could do to my program? Don't speak. Listen. I don't want the players at your house, and I don't want your kids in the department.
Newsman
(Tom turns off his cell phone and becomes depressed and sees the Newspeople)
There he is! Coach! Coach! How will this impact Saturday's game? Coach, what do you have to say to reports that you're simply spreading yourself too thin?
Nigel Come on, Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle Take it like a MAN!
Tom [The twins smash an axe through the closet door]
I'd just hate to break that up.
Mom, Beans is dead.
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
(Annoyed and irritated)
Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
Don't you dare call him that!
Tom All right! Hey!
Stop! Stop!
Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2 Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.
All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Chil...?
Leave him alone!
Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Tom Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark.
Nobody cares about me!
Sarah and Lorraine
What are you talking about?!
[on the phone]
It totally sucks. I miss you too, but, I mean, I've gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. Okay, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know that I haven't been very friendly recently. [to Hank] They are pulling me in again!
Just tell them you can't do it.
[on the phone]
Could you guys hold on a second? [to Hank] That's easy for you to say! You're an only child! It might be fun to babysit together.
No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened the last time we visited.
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
They set me on fire.
Just your pants.
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And sure, last time, it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs! I know that! I'm man enough to admit it!
Please? Please, please, please, please?
Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! You always do that to me. Fine, fine, you know what? We'll go. But I'll tell you what. One thing happens and I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
Tom She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
No, no way. No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room while she's here. Isn't that sweet? No.
Tom [on the phone with Nora]
Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics. All right, bye. [hangs up the phone]
Tell me that Mister Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too!
Yes, he very well might be, young lady!
Tom And do not set his pants on fire again!
Yes.
Classic.
Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
Mike First, Dad forces us to move.
Then Mom decides to become a career person and like, travel the globe.
Jessica And now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?
And he hates kids, too.
Jessica Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.
We've got 48 hours. Let's work up a plan.
Tom Kids, on the carpet! Now!
Dad! College guys?
What's going on here?
Tom Where's Charlie?
He went to Midland for the day.
Tom Midland? It's a school day.
Henry He hates school.
Course you couldn't know that 'cause you're never home.
Tom Well, that is about to change, Sarah Baker. Because since I can't go to work without you guys getting in trouble, and since I can't stay home without Shake bugging me, I have brought my work home with me. Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.
What's up, boys?
Football Players
What's up?
Tom Okay, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do. I don't want any interruptions unless it's an emergency. Clear? Okay, now go do your homework. Let's go, guys.
Knock much?
Tom You got kicked off the football team!
Well, then look who decided to be a parent!
Tom Let's check that attitude, Charlie!
I don't fit in this town, Dad. I'm going back to Midland.
Tom You are not dropping out of school, and you are not walking out on this family!
What family? [scoffs] Since we've moved here, everybody's been looking out for number one, especially you and Mom.
Tom Your mother and I are doing what we think is best for everyone!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You did not take this coaching job for us! You took it because you were a loser in college while Shake was out there being a superstar! If you want your shot at glory, Dad, if you wanna have it all, you do what you gotta do! But quit feeding us this line about being a happier and stronger family! This move was about you! And you know what? I don't have to sit here and pay the price of your life choices! I'm leaving!
Tom You're staying.
Are you gonna make me?
Tom [sighs]
Charlie, I love you. And I want you to have the best life that you can have. And that means you're getting a diploma.
When I graduate, I'm gone.
Mom, listen up. Here's the sizzle. Okay, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown. Charlie's like a half a step away from juvie, and Mark's...
Okay, Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later. Here we go. I just wanna get everything ready. What's the deal with Charlie?
Tom Fine, thanks. How are you?
I'm sorry, hi.
Tom Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.
What?
Tom Don't worry, I'm handling it.
Tom [knock at the door]
Shake. President Gerhard.
President Gerhard Tom.
Shake Tom, we need a minute.
President Gerhard The university is prepared to make a huge investment in the program, but we want some assurances.
Tom What does that mean?
Shake We wanna know that you're committed to the football program.
President Gerhard You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.
Shake So, what's it gonna be, Tom?
Tom, honey, didn't you pick up my dry-cleaning?
Tom Yes, dear, it's in the front closet.
Shake Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
The wife's name is Kate, Shake.
Nigel What a wiener.
Shake [Kyle agrees with Nigel]
We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.
Tom What's this?
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Tom Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Tom Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet, chief. Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
Whoa.
I just... I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it.
Tom Well, what can I say? You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York. Do you remember that? Mr. I Can Handle It. "Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate! Go!" Help me, would you?
Tom So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
No. I want a lot of things. So do you. That's the problem.
Tom This isn't working.
Yeah, that's my point.
Tom I meant the zipper.
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
Tom Fine.
Fine. Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day, but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces. Everything's great. We're a big, happy family. If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Mom, Beans is dead!
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
(Annoyed and irritated)
STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!
Tom All right! Hey!
Stop! Stop! Oprah is coming!
Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2 Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Children?
Leave him alone!
Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Tom Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark.
Nobody cares about me!
Sarah and Lorraine
What? What are you talking about? I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!
Oh, no, none of that!
Tom Hey! Hey!
Cameraman 1
No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
Why am I the only normal person in this family?
Hey, Dad, what I said before, I was out of line.
Tom Forget it. You were right.
