Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
(Annoyed and irritated)
Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
Don't you dare call him that!
C1 Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
C2 Cameraman 2
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
C1 Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.
All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
Lorraine You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
(Nora comes downstairs)
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
(tries to comfort Mark)
Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!
SA Sarah and Lorraine
What are you talking about?!
Kids, on the carpet! Now!
Lorraine Dad! College guys?
He went to Midland for the day.
Midland? It's a school day.
Course you couldn't know that 'cause you're never home.
Well, that is about to change, Sarah Baker. Because since I can't go to work without you guys getting in trouble, and since I can't stay home without Shake bugging me, I have brought my work home with me. Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.
FP Football Players
What's up?
Okay, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do. I don't want any interruptions unless it's an emergency. Clear? Okay, now go do your homework. Let's go, guys.
Lorraine Mom, listen up. Here's the sizzle. Okay, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown. Charlie's like a half a step away from juvie, and Mark's...
Okay, Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later. Here we go. I just wanna get everything ready. What's the deal with Charlie?
Fine, thanks. How are you?
Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.
Don't worry, I'm handling it.
[knock at the door]
Shake. President Gerhard.
PG President Gerhard
Tom.
S Shake
Tom, we need a minute.
(In the kitchen with beans)
Please don't die, Beans.
PG President Gerhard
The university is prepared to make a huge investment in the program, but we want some assurances.
S Shake
We wanna know that you're committed to the football program.
PG President Gerhard
You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.
S Shake
So, what's it gonna be, Tom?
Tom, honey, didn't you pick up my dry-cleaning?
Yes, dear, it's in the front closet.
S Shake
Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
The wife's name is Kate, Shake.
S Shake
[Kyle agrees with Nigel]
We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet, chief. Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
I just... I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it.
Well, what can I say? You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York. Do you remember that? Mr. I Can Handle It. "Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate! Go!" Help me, would you?
So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
No. I want a lot of things. So do you. That's the problem.
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
Fine. Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day, but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces. Everything's great. We're a big, happy family. If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
(Annoyed and irritated)
STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!
Stop! Stop! Oprah is coming!
C1 Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
C2 Cameraman 2
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
C1 Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
Lorraine You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
(Nora comes downstairs)
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
(tries to comfort Mark)
Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!
SA Sarah and Lorraine
What? What are you talking about? I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!
C1 Cameraman 1
No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
Why am I the only normal person in this family?
