Mark Have you seen my frog, Dad?
Sorry, Charlie... er, Nigel... Kyle.
Mark It's Mark.
I knew that.
Played by Forrest Landis 
Cheaper by the Dozen (2003) · 28 quotes
Cheaper by the Dozen (2003) · 28 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Cheaper by the Dozen (2003): in 7 of its 28 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Baker (5), Kate Baker (5), Sarah (4)
Scenes with Mark
7 scenes Mark Mark 
Dude two words: need new skates.
Dude three words: Paper route. (computer receives a message. Reads Nora's message) "Hi, can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment. Love, Nora."
Mark Have you seen Beans, Mom?
No.
[After knocking on the door to tell the other children the plan]
I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?
The Baker Kids
Yeah!
(The children climb out of the window and bring presents to Dylan to enter the party without Tom noticing that they climbed out of the window and went to Dylan's birthday party)
Tina
Hi...oh! (the Baker kids gave each present to Tina)
Mark Brazilian Mud Viper. She gets one live rat a week. (gives it to Tina).
Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?
Dylan
Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad... who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
Hmm. Sounds like a yes to me. Go get it, Mike.
(Mike runs to the present counter to get Jake's present, which knocks the snake that was in Mark's present)
Mark Mom, Beans is dead.
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
Mark (Annoyed and irritated)
Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
Don't you dare call him that!
All right! Hey!
Stop! Stop!
Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.
All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Chil...?
Leave him alone!
Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark (Nora comes downstairs)
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
Mark.
Mark Nobody cares about me!
Sarah and Lorraine
What are you talking about?!
[on the phone]
It totally sucks. I miss you too, but, I mean, I've gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. Okay, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know that I haven't been very friendly recently. [to Hank] They are pulling me in again!
Just tell them you can't do it.
[on the phone]
Could you guys hold on a second? [to Hank] That's easy for you to say! You're an only child! It might be fun to babysit together.
No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened the last time we visited.
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
They set me on fire.
Just your pants.
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And sure, last time, it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs! I know that! I'm man enough to admit it!
Please? Please, please, please, please?
Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! You always do that to me. Fine, fine, you know what? We'll go. But I'll tell you what. One thing happens and I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
No, no way. No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room while she's here. Isn't that sweet? No.
[on the phone with Nora]
Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics. All right, bye. [hangs up the phone]
Tell me that Mister Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too!
Yes, he very well might be, young lady!
And do not set his pants on fire again!
Yes.
Classic.
Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
Mike
First, Dad forces us to move.
Then Mom decides to become a career person and like, travel the globe.
Jessica
And now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?
Mark And he hates kids, too.
Jessica
Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.
We've got 48 hours. Let's work up a plan.
Mom, listen up. Here's the sizzle. Okay, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown. Charlie's like a half a step away from juvie, and Mark's...
Okay, Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later. Here we go. I just wanna get everything ready. What's the deal with Charlie?
Fine, thanks. How are you?
I'm sorry, hi.
Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team.
What?
Don't worry, I'm handling it.
President Gerhard
Tom.
Shake
Tom, we need a minute.
Mark (In the kitchen with beans)
Please don't die, Beans.
President Gerhard
The university is prepared to make a huge investment in the program, but we want some assurances.
What does that mean?
Shake
We wanna know that you're committed to the football program.
President Gerhard
You have to decide who's making the bacon and who's cooking it.
Shake
So, what's it gonna be, Tom?
Tom, honey, didn't you pick up my dry-cleaning?
Yes, dear, it's in the front closet.
Shake
Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
The wife's name is Kate, Shake.
Nigel
What a wiener.
Shake
[Kyle agrees with Nigel]
We want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over.
What's this?
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet, chief. Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
Whoa.
I just... I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it.
Well, what can I say? You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York. Do you remember that? Mr. I Can Handle It. "Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate! Go!" Help me, would you?
So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
No. I want a lot of things. So do you. That's the problem.
This isn't working.
Yeah, that's my point.
I meant the zipper.
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
Fine.
Fine. Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day, but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces. Everything's great. We're a big, happy family. If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Mark Mom, Beans is dead!
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
Mark (Annoyed and irritated)
STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!
All right! Hey!
Stop! Stop! Oprah is coming!
Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Children?
Leave him alone!
Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark (Nora comes downstairs)
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
Mark.
Mark Nobody cares about me!
Sarah and Lorraine
What? What are you talking about? I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!
Oh, no, none of that!
Hey! Hey!
Cameraman 1
No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
Why am I the only normal person in this family?
