Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
Sarah Yes!
Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with your food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist appointment at 3:00, so you're going to work with Dad.
NA Nigel and Kyle
Yeah! (yell)
[Tom has the kids gathered in the living room for having fights at school and not doing any chores around the house] [angrily]
All right, enough is enough. You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded.
What's grounded? I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed, and that's it.
Sarah But that--
Oh, yes, Sarah, I know, that sucks, but that's the way it is!
Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?
That's exactly what it means.
K Kim
But we bought his presents already!
YOU ARE GOING TO MISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [the kids are shocked into silence] Now, go to bed! [he Baker kids head their rooms, upset]
Sarah [After knocking on the door to tell the other children the plan]
I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?
BK The Baker Kids
Yeah!
(The children climb out of the window and bring presents to Dylan to enter the party without Tom noticing that they climbed out of the window and went to Dylan's birthday party)
T Tina
Hi...oh! (the Baker kids gave each present to Tina)
Brazilian Mud Viper. She gets one live rat a week. (gives it to Tina).
Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?
D Dylan
Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad... who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
Hmm. Sounds like a yes to me. Go get it, Mike.
(Mike runs to the present counter to get Jake's present, which knocks the snake that was in Mark's present)
[to Football players]
Get my kids and meet me at the house. Ready? Break!
[The football players begin to catch the Baker kids, one by one, and Tom sees Sarah in the bounce house]
Sarah Baker! Off now!
Sarah No way!
Don't make me come up there!
PI Person in the bounce house
[Sarah becomes shocked about her father trying to catch her in the bounce house and Tom goes into the bounce house to catch her, but ends up failing to catch her and the football players knock someone with an air tank and the air tank presses on the bounce house, causing it to over-inflate. Tom realizes the bounce house is about to explode]
Oh, my God! It's gonna blow!
D Dylan
[The bounce house explodes as Tom, Sarah and the other people are launched into the air. The football players catch Sarah and the other kids. Dylan sees Tom falling towards him and screams as Tom lands on him, offscreen. Cut to Dylan being carried on a gurney at the hospital, with a black eye, chipped tooth and broken arm]
It was my best birthday ever, Coach.
T Tina
[angrily]
Your children are never playing with Dylan again!
Sorry about your arm, Dylan.
(As Tina and Dylan head to the Hospital room and leave Tom, Tom hears his cell phone and gets a call from Shake)
Hello, Shake.
S Shake
Any idea what this could do to my program? Don't speak. Listen. I don't want the players at your house, and I don't want your kids in the department.
N Newsman
(Tom turns off his cell phone and becomes depressed and sees the Newspeople)
There he is! Coach! Coach! How will this impact Saturday's game? Coach, what do you have to say to reports that you're simply spreading yourself too thin?
Sarah Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
(Annoyed and irritated)
Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
Don't you dare call him that!
C1 Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
C2 Cameraman 2
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
C1 Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.
All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
(Nora comes downstairs)
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
(tries to comfort Mark)
Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!
SA Sarah and Lorraine
What are you talking about?!
[on the phone]
It totally sucks. I miss you too, but, I mean, I've gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. Okay, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know that I haven't been very friendly recently. [to Hank] They are pulling me in again!
Just tell them you can't do it.
[on the phone]
Could you guys hold on a second? [to Hank] That's easy for you to say! You're an only child! It might be fun to babysit together.
No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened the last time we visited.
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And sure, last time, it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs! I know that! I'm man enough to admit it!
Please? Please, please, please, please?
Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! You always do that to me. Fine, fine, you know what? We'll go. But I'll tell you what. One thing happens and I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
[on the phone to Kimmy]
Kimmy, put Dad on.
She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
No, no way. No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room while she's here. Isn't that sweet? No.
[on the phone with Nora]
Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics. All right, bye. [hangs up the phone]
Sarah Tell me that Mister Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too!
Yes, he very well might be, young lady!
And do not set his pants on fire again!
Sarah Classic.
[the kids look in guilt]
It was just his pants. [walks out of the room with Tom]
Sarah Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
M Mike
First, Dad forces us to move.
Then Mom decides to become a career person and like, travel the globe.
J Jessica
And now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?
J Jessica
Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.
Sarah We've got 48 hours. Let's work up a plan.
Kids, on the carpet! Now!
Sarah He went to Midland for the day.
Midland? It's a school day.
Sarah Course you couldn't know that 'cause you're never home.
Well, that is about to change, Sarah Baker. Because since I can't go to work without you guys getting in trouble, and since I can't stay home without Shake bugging me, I have brought my work home with me. Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.
FP Football Players
What's up?
Okay, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do. I don't want any interruptions unless it's an emergency. Clear? Okay, now go do your homework. Let's go, guys.
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet, chief. Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
I just... I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it.
Well, what can I say? You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York. Do you remember that? Mr. I Can Handle It. "Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate! Go!" Help me, would you?
So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
No. I want a lot of things. So do you. That's the problem.
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
Fine. Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day, but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces. Everything's great. We're a big, happy family. If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Sarah Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
(Annoyed and irritated)
STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!
Stop! Stop! Oprah is coming!
C1 Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
C2 Cameraman 2
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
C1 Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
(Nora comes downstairs)
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
(tries to comfort Mark)
Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!
SA Sarah and Lorraine
What? What are you talking about? I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!
C1 Cameraman 1
No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
Why am I the only normal person in this family?
