Jake Dude two words: need new skates.
Dude three words: Paper route. (computer receives a message. Reads Nora's message) "Hi, can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment. Love, Nora."
Have you seen Beans, Mom?
No.
Played by Jacob Smith 
Cheaper by the Dozen (2003) · 28 quotes
Cheaper by the Dozen (2003) · 28 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Cheaper by the Dozen (2003): in 6 of its 28 quotes
Most scenes with: Sarah (5), Tom Baker (4), Mark (4)
Scenes with Jake
6 scenes Jake 
[Tom has the kids gathered in the living room for having fights at school and not doing any chores around the house] [angrily]
All right, enough is enough. You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded.
Mike
What's grounded?
What's grounded? I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed, and that's it.
But that--
Oh, yes, Sarah, I know, that sucks, but that's the way it is!
Jake Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?
That's exactly what it means.
Kim
But we bought his presents already!
YOU ARE GOING TO MISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [the kids are shocked into silence] Now, go to bed! [he Baker kids head their rooms, upset]
[After knocking on the door to tell the other children the plan]
I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?
The Baker Kids
Yeah!
(The children climb out of the window and bring presents to Dylan to enter the party without Tom noticing that they climbed out of the window and went to Dylan's birthday party)
Tina
Hi...oh! (the Baker kids gave each present to Tina)
Brazilian Mud Viper. She gets one live rat a week. (gives it to Tina).
Jake Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?
Dylan
Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad... who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
Jake Hmm. Sounds like a yes to me. Go get it, Mike.
(Mike runs to the present counter to get Jake's present, which knocks the snake that was in Mark's present)
[on the phone]
It totally sucks. I miss you too, but, I mean, I've gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. Okay, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know that I haven't been very friendly recently. [to Hank] They are pulling me in again!
Just tell them you can't do it.
[on the phone]
Could you guys hold on a second? [to Hank] That's easy for you to say! You're an only child! It might be fun to babysit together.
No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened the last time we visited.
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
They set me on fire.
Just your pants.
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And sure, last time, it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs! I know that! I'm man enough to admit it!
Please? Please, please, please, please?
Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! You always do that to me. Fine, fine, you know what? We'll go. But I'll tell you what. One thing happens and I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
No, no way. No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room while she's here. Isn't that sweet? No.
[on the phone with Nora]
Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics. All right, bye. [hangs up the phone]
Tell me that Mister Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too!
Yes, he very well might be, young lady!
And do not set his pants on fire again!
Yes.
Classic.
Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
Mike
First, Dad forces us to move.
Jake Then Mom decides to become a career person and like, travel the globe.
Jessica
And now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?
And he hates kids, too.
Jessica
Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.
We've got 48 hours. Let's work up a plan.
Kids, on the carpet! Now!
Dad! College guys?
Jake What's going on here?
Where's Charlie?
He went to Midland for the day.
Midland? It's a school day.
Henry
He hates school.
Course you couldn't know that 'cause you're never home.
Well, that is about to change, Sarah Baker. Because since I can't go to work without you guys getting in trouble, and since I can't stay home without Shake bugging me, I have brought my work home with me. Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team.
Jake What's up, boys?
Football Players
What's up?
Okay, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do. I don't want any interruptions unless it's an emergency. Clear? Okay, now go do your homework. Let's go, guys.
What's this?
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet, chief. Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
Whoa.
I just... I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it.
Well, what can I say? You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York. Do you remember that? Mr. I Can Handle It. "Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate! Go!" Help me, would you?
So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
No. I want a lot of things. So do you. That's the problem.
This isn't working.
Yeah, that's my point.
I meant the zipper.
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
Fine.
Fine. Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day, but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces. Everything's great. We're a big, happy family. If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Mom, Beans is dead!
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
(Annoyed and irritated)
STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!
All right! Hey!
Stop! Stop! Oprah is coming!
Cameraman 1
What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Cameraman 1
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Children?
Leave him alone!
Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark.
Nobody cares about me!
Sarah and Lorraine
What? What are you talking about? I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!
Oh, no, none of that!
Hey! Hey!
Cameraman 1
No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
Jake Why am I the only normal person in this family?
