Hank
It's getting so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
Kate
Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Hank
Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
Hank
They just set me on fire.
Just your pants.
Hank
Sure, last time, it was my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is how I get the jobs!
Mark
Mom, Beans is dead.
Sarah
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
Mark
Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
Kate
Don't you dare call him that!
Tom
All right! Hey!
Kate
Stop! Stop!
What's the name of this segment again?
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.
Hank
All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Hank
Chil...?
Kate
Leave him alone!
Hank
Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Tom
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
Lorraine
You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!
Kate
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
Mark.
Mark
Nobody cares about me!
Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!
What are you talking about?!
It totally sucks. I miss you too, but, I mean, I've gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. Okay, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I-I know that I haven't been very friendly recently. [to Hank] They are pulling me in again!
Hank
Just tell them you can't do it.
Could you guys hold on a second? [to Hank] That's easy for you to say! You're an only child! It might be fun to babysit together.
Hank
No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened the last time we visited.
Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
Hank
They set me on fire.
Just your pants.
Hank
Honey, I am an actor, okay? And sure, last time, it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs! I know that! I'm man enough to admit it!
Please? Please, please, please, please?
Hank
Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that! You always do that to me. Fine, fine, you know what? We'll go. But I'll tell you what. One thing happens and I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room.
Kimmy, put Dad on.
Tom
She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room.
Kate
No, no way. No, she knows the rules. She wants to have her own room while she's here. Isn't that sweet? No.
Tom
Okay, look, why don't you just come over on Sunday, and we'll talk logistics. All right, bye. [hangs up the phone]
Sarah
Tell me that Mister Doorknob Man isn't babysitting too!
Kate
Yes, he very well might be, young lady!
Tom
And do not set his pants on fire again!
Kate
Yes.
Sarah
Classic.
Kate
It was just his pants. [walks out of the room with Tom]
Sarah
Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
First, Dad forces us to move.
Jake
Then Mom decides to become a career person and like, travel the globe.
And now we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor?
Mark
And he hates kids, too.
Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene.
Sarah
We've got 48 hours. Let's work up a plan.
Tom
What's this?
Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that?
Tom
Yes, I have a problem with that! This house is G-rated.
Hank
Whoa, chief. Look, Nora's a big girl.
Tom
Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet, chief. Now, get dressed and get downstairs.
Hank
Whoa.
Kate
I just... I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it.
Tom
Well, what can I say? You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career.
Kate
Oh, okay, yeah. I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York. Do you remember that? Mr. I Can Handle It. "Everything'll be okay. Go, Kate! Go!" Help me, would you?
Tom
So you're telling me you didn't want to go to New York?
Kate
No. I want a lot of things. So do you. That's the problem.
Tom
This isn't working.
Kate
Yeah, that's my point.
Tom
I meant the zipper.
Kate
Let's just get through the next hour, okay?
Tom
Fine.
Kate
Fine. Okay, everybody. I know it's been a difficult day, but I need all of you, and I would appreciate it if you could just put on happy faces. Everything's great. We're a big, happy family. If you can remember the lines I told you to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say anything. Big smiles. Let me see 'em.
Mark
Mom, Beans is dead!
Sarah
Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
Mark
STOP CALLING ME THAT! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
Kate
DON'T YOU DARE CALL HIM THAT!
Tom
All right! Hey!
Kate
Stop! Stop! Oprah is coming!
What's the name of this segment again?
Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Okay, I'm calling Oprah's people right now.
Hank
All I'm saying is that families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Does that mean you don't want children?
Hank
Children?
Kate
Leave him alone!
Hank
Hello! Look at these, children! They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Tom
Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
Lorraine
You're stepping on me! You're messing up my hair! Stop!
Kate
Nigel, get off your brother's head!
Mark
Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
Mark.
Mark
Nobody cares about me!
Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!
What? What are you talking about? I'm perfect! I've never done anything like this before!
Kate
Oh, no, none of that!
Tom
Hey! Hey!
No, you do not want to come here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family.
Jake
Why am I the only normal person in this family?
