Ashton Kutcher movie quotes

View Quote [Singing to the tune of "The Teddy Bear's Picnic"] Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree/He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who was constantly having to pee/One day, the elf could take no more/So he went and banged on the rude dwarf's door/And what do you know, they suddenly both were married.

View Quote Then you say it.

View Quote Oh, got it. Coming not this fall.

View Quote Wait a second. Let's recap. Last night we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. [Chester slaps him] Thanks, dude.

View Quote I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe.

View Quote Dude, Where's My Car?.

View Quote The thing is, how can I be there for her if I don't even have my thing figured out? You know?

View Quote Well, if it wasn't love, it was a lot like it.

View Quote [annoyed] Gabe the babe.

View Quote That's just it, she's everything I'm not. You know, she's my other half. Without her, I'm not whole. You know the thing about meeting your other half is you're walking around, you think you're happy, you think you're whole, then you realize you ain't shit without her. Then you can't go back to being just a half because you know what it's like to be whole.

View Quote [on the phone, leaving a message] Babe, you're acting like I have cheated on you, and I have never cheated on you. Except for that one time, with myself, and you caught me.

View Quote Simon: [reeling off "black" jokes] Why can't black people listen to country music?
Keisha: Why?
Simon: Because every time they say "hoedown", they think their sister got shot!

View Quote Nora: Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
Hank: They just set me on fire.
Nora: Just your pants.
Hank: Sure, last time, it was my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is how I get the jobs!

View Quote Hank: It's getting so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.

View Quote Mark: Mom, Beans is dead.
Sarah: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
Mark: (Annoyed and irritated) Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated argument)
Kate: Don't you dare call him that!
Tom: All right! Hey!
Kate: Stop! Stop!
Cameraman 1: What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2: Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Cameraman 1: Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.
Hank: All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Nora: Does that mean you don't want children?
Hank: Chil...?
Kate: Leave him alone!
Hank: Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Tom: Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
Lorraine: You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!
Kate: Nigel, get off your brother's head!
(Nora comes downstairs)
Mark: Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
Nora: Mark.
Mark: Nobody cares about me!
Nora: (tries to comfort Mark) Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!
Sarah and Lorraine: What are you talking about?!