Jesse Montgomery I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe.
Most-quoted character in Dude, Where's My Car? (2000): in 11 of its 12 quotes
Most scenes with: Chester (6)
Wait a second. Let's recap. Last night we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. [Chester slaps him] Thanks, dude.
More lines from Jesse Montgomery
3 quotes Jesse Montgomery Jesse Montgomery I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.
Jesse Montgomery Dude, Where's My Car?.
Scenes with Jesse Montgomery
7 scenes Jesse Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?
Jesse Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
Can he also bong a beer?
Nelson Nah. All he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.
Chinese Food Intercom
Chinese Foooood, may I help you?
Jesse Yeah, I like to place an order.
Chinese Food Intercom
Um what you like?
Jesse Yeah, I like uh... three orders of garlic chicken.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse And then, three orders of white rice.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse And then... (then he turns and asks Chester and Nelson) Oh hey, you guys want soup?
Chester & Nelson
Sure.
Jesse Yeah, three orders of Wonton soup.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse Oh, uh some Fortune cookies too.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse Uh... Naw I think that's about it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse No, that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse No and then, I (stutters) That's, that's all I want.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Jesse (looks behind and then laughs)
And then, and then um, and then um, and then nothin' else cause I'm done ordering, okay?
Chinese Food Intercom
And Then?
Jesse Uh, uh, no, no, see all, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice.
Chinese Food Intercom
Uh-huh, and then?
And the soup dude.
Jesse Oh, and, and the Wonton soup.
Chinese Food Intercom
And then?
Nelson And the Cookie's Fortune.
Jesse And, and the, and the Fortune cookies yes so, it's just the uh, it's the... the chicken, the... rice, the soup and the Fortune cookies, and that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom
And Theeeeen?
Jesse (starts chuckling)
And then uh, you can it in a brown paper bag and come put it in my hand cause I'm ready to eat.
Chinese Food Intercom
Annnnnd Theeeeeeeen?
Jesse (gets irritated)
Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese Food mind games.
Chinese Food Intercom
Annnnnnd Theeeeeeeen?
Jesse (Gets upset)
NO!, No and then!
Chinese Food Intercom
And Then?
Jesse No and then!
Chinese Food Intercom
And Then?
Jesse No and then!
Chinese Food Intercom
And Then?
Jesse No and then!
Chinese Food Intercom
And Then?
Jesse No and then!
Chinese Food Intercom
And Then?
Jesse No, no and then!
Chinese Food Intercom
(growls)
Annnnnnd Theeeeeeen?
Jesse (gets angry)
You know you're really starting to piss me off lady.
Chinese Food Intercom
(quietly)
And Then?
Jesse And then... (laughs nervously) I'm gonna come in there... (grows livid) and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!!!
Chinese Food Intercom
(pause; Jesse almost gives in) (repeatedly)
And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!
Chinese Food Intercom
(Jesse angrily smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away) (severely damaged)
And then...?
Jesse Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
Oh, that's my alter ego.
Jesse Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was my alter ego.
No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse Oh, yeah.
Jesse Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?
Jesse No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Is that what that is?
Jesse Yeah. I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Yeah!
Jesse You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
We can?
Jesse Yeah, and you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? 'Coz we love them.
And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse Yeah.
Keeper of the Continuum Transfunctioner
But the universe...
Jesse "Screw the universe"! [Walks away]
Keeper
"Screw the universe"?!
Jesse Dude! You got a tattoo!
So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse "Sweet!" What about mine?
"Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse [Repeated four more times]
"S - wee - t!" What about mine?
Jesse [Screaming]
"Sweet!"
Mr. Lee
[Screams in English]
Idiots! [Swears in Chinese, walks up to Chester and Jesse in in English] Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet." Got it?
Jesse Oh.
Mr. Lee
Ai-yah!
Jesse Sorry.
Hey... sorry.
Jesse Sorry.
Shibby!
Mr. Lee
Very sharp. Very sharp. You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.
Jesse We bought these last night?
Mr. Lee
Yeah. You were pretty [Says "**** up" in Chinese] last night.
How much are these?
Mr. Lee
[In English]
You already paid for. I just do some minor alterations-you know, add the secret pockets you order.
Jesse Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. [Reaches into pockets] What's- [Pulls out kaleidoscope viewing Mr. Lee's laughing face] Oh, dude! Dude!
Jesse Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?
Mr. Lee
You pay cash. Cold, hard cash. Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.
Jesse You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?
Mr. Lee
Me? No, I don't see no car.
Jesse [Answer cellphone in pocket]
Hello.
Dude, we bought cell phones.
Jesse [Looking at paper]
That's not all we bought, dude.-
