Tom quotes from Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005)

Kate Baker

Honey, you actually bought that shirt?

Tom

Hey, every dad is entitled to one hideous shirt, and one horrible sweater. It's part of the dad code.

Tom

What do you do for a living, Eliot?

Well... I'm in the 8th grade.

Tom

All right. From now on, no seeing the Murtaughs, no talking to the Murtaughs, no thinking about the Murtaughs!

Sarah

Can't we just compete and still like, see them?

Tom

No! Right now, I am not a father, I am a coach. And we're gonna be training twice a day, every day, starting outside in 10 minutes. No later.

Tom

Tire swing ready! [falls off tire swing] Tire swing, not ready!

Tom

Tom. Hey, Tom. Welcome to family.

Lorraine

Still smells the same. Old gross stuff, dead animals, and murky lake water.

Tom

It's called fresh air, sweetie.

Tom

How I discipline my kids is none of your business.

You know, I've been trying to say this in a nice way, but uh... well, there's a pretty good reason your kids are screw-ups.

Tom

My kids screwed up. They are not screw-ups!

That's because you're not strict enough. Parenting isn't a popularity contest, Tom, but I guess if you knew that, your kids wouldn't be so undisciplined, and you and I wouldn't be having this conversation.

Tom

The only problem with my kids is that they're hanging out with your kids!

It wasn't my daughter who got caught stealing.

Tom

And it wasn't my son who trashed the tennis court!

Do you actually think I'm screwing up my kids, Baker?

Tom

Yeah. And one day, they're gonna crack.

Well, why don't we test that theory... on Labor Day!? Murtaughs vs. Bakers... for the cup! What do you say?

Tom

You're on. We'll see you there.

Tom

So, Sarah, Eliot seems okay. I see why you like him.

Somebody's turning red.

Sarah

Shut up! You know, thanks a lot, Dad.

Tom

What did I say?

Men can be so clueless.

Kate

Honey, men are clueless. I'll go talk to her.

Lorraine

Mom, let me do this, okay? Trust me, I've got experience in the area of parental harassment. Hey, I totally know how you feel. How are you? Dad can be pretty hands-on, in-your-face sometimes, huh?

Sarah

Just leave me alone.

Lorraine

A, I'm never trying to help her again. And B, I cannot wait to move to New York.

I really love having a family dinner where all you can hear is forks hitting the plates. You know, this could be our last chance to be together and you're totally ruining it. I'm glad we're moving to Houston, and so is Iron Mike or Donna Baker Butkus McNulty.

Tom

Bulk up.

Tom

You're burning a hole in my face.

Kate

Tom, you've gotta stop this whole training camp thing.

Tom

This is not some little fence-line squabble, Kate. This is just an epic battle between two families.

Kate

No, no, no, honey. I think this is Tom vs. Jimmy. I'm sorry, General, but you're starting to lose the respect of your troops. And that's dangerous. Give the kids some space.

Tom

Are you asking me to back out of the competition?

Kate

No, honey. It's just that... Especially with Sarah. This is her first crush. Come on.

Tom

What, with Eliot?

Kate

Yes. She needs to know that we trust her. She couldn't come to me and tell me that she wanted to wear makeup. Is that the kind of relationship you want her to have with us?

Tom

What are you doing here?

Well, if you must know, I'm still here to make sure that this movie is appropriate for our children.

Tom

It's rated G.

Sir, could you please sit down?

What are you doing here so early?

Tom

The father of the daughter always arrives early for pickup duty. Everybody knows that.

Excuse me, is there a problem here?

Yes, this man is harassing me.

Tom

This man is guilty of overparenting.

If you two can't keep it down, I'm gonna throw both of you out.

Tom

Oh, my God. Look at this.

What? He's stretching.

Tom

He's doing "the move".

What move?

Tom

You're sitting in the theater, you fake a yawn... Oh, boy, am I tired. The hand comes over. Then a little while later, the head comes over, giving you extra reach here, right?

Mom, look at those two down there.

Tom

See what I mean?

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Warning number two.

He was showing me "the move". Do you mind?

Tom

You don't know the move?

No, I don't know the move, okay? And I wasn't a hormone-crazed Romeo when I was a kid. I had self-control. I had social sophistication, just like my son.

Psst, be quiet down there!

Tom

Your son has raging hormones like every other male teenager.

Meaning what?

Tom

Meaning on the sophistication scale, he's one step above ape.

Are you calling my son an ape?

Tom

He's an ape like every other male teenager.

Take it back.

Tom

I'm not gonna take it back.

Take it... Take it back.

Tom

Were you gonna poke me?

No, I was not gonna poke you.

Tom

You were gonna poke me.

Because you were asking for it.

Tom

Well, if I'm asking for it, why don't you give it to me? Give me a poke.

Oh, you want a poke?

What's going on down there?

Tom

You call that a poke?

I call that a practice.

Tom

Give me your best poke.

You don't want my best poke.

Tom

I want your best poke.

Oh, you're asking for it!

Tom

I do. Yeah.