Nora I really love having a family dinner where all you can hear is forks hitting the plates. You know, this could be our last chance to be together and you're totally ruining it. I'm glad we're moving to Houston, and so is Iron Mike or Donna Baker Butkus McNulty.
You're burning a hole in my face.
Tom, you've gotta stop this whole training camp thing.
This is not some little fence-line squabble, Kate. This is just an epic battle between two families.
No, no, no, honey. I think this is Tom vs. Jimmy. I'm sorry, General, but you're starting to lose the respect of your troops. And that's dangerous. Give the kids some space.
Are you asking me to back out of the competition?
No, honey. It's just that... Especially with Sarah. This is her first crush. Come on.
Yes. She needs to know that we trust her. She couldn't come to me and tell me that she wanted to wear makeup. Is that the kind of relationship you want her to have with us?
So, Sarah, Eliot seems okay. I see why you like him.
J Jake
Somebody's turning red.
Shut up! You know, thanks a lot, Dad.
K Kim
Men can be so clueless.
Honey, men are clueless. I'll go talk to her.
Mom, let me do this, okay? Trust me, I've got experience in the area of parental harassment. Hey, I totally know how you feel. How are you? Dad can be pretty hands-on, in-your-face sometimes, huh?
A, I'm never trying to help her again. And B, I cannot wait to move to New York.
Jimmy Well, if you must know, I'm still here to make sure that this movie is appropriate for our children.
MG Movie Goer
Sir, could you please sit down?
Jimmy What are you doing here so early?
The father of the daughter always arrives early for pickup duty. Everybody knows that.
TU Theater Usher
Excuse me, is there a problem here?
Jimmy Yes, this man is harassing me.
This man is guilty of overparenting.
TU Theater Usher
If you two can't keep it down, I'm gonna throw both of you out.
Oh, my God. Look at this.
Jimmy What? He's stretching.
Jimmy What move?
You're sitting in the theater, you fake a yawn... Oh, boy, am I tired. The hand comes over. Then a little while later, the head comes over, giving you extra reach here, right?
MG Movie Goer
Mom, look at those two down there.
MG Movie Goer
Oh, sweet Jesus.
TU Theater Usher
Warning number two.
Jimmy He was showing me "the move". Do you mind?
Jimmy No, I don't know the move, okay? And I wasn't a hormone-crazed Romeo when I was a kid. I had self-control. I had social sophistication, just like my son.
MG Movie Goer
Psst, be quiet down there!
Your son has raging hormones like every other male teenager.
Jimmy Meaning what?
Meaning on the sophistication scale, he's one step above ape.
Jimmy Are you calling my son an ape?
He's an ape like every other male teenager.
Jimmy Take it back.
I'm not gonna take it back.
Jimmy Take it... Take it back.
Jimmy No, I was not gonna poke you.
Jimmy Because you were asking for it.
Well, if I'm asking for it, why don't you give it to me? Give me a poke.
Jimmy Oh, you want a poke?
MG Movie Goer
What's going on down there?
Jimmy I call that a practice.
Jimmy You don't want my best poke.
Jimmy Oh, you're asking for it!
[as an enraged Sarah stomps into this house]
Hey, honey. How'd it... [notices Sarah's angry facial expression] ...Go?
Dad was totally spying on me! [as Tom enters the house] You ruined everything! There's no way I'm competing for you in that stupid cup tomorrow! [storms off furiously; Kate gives Tom a disappointed look]
Kim Baker I can't believe you did that.
Jessica Baker Really, dad. That is so big brother.
Bud McNulty Yeah, let's go.
Nora Baker-McNulty Come on, Bud. Let's put this baby to bed. [they all walk out of the room]
Jake Baker Not cool, dad. [leaves the room in disgust; leaving only Henry, Nigel, and Kyle]
Henry Baker You know, you and Jimmy aren't so different, dad. Different styles, yeah, but... same result. Let's go, guys. [they leave the room to go to bed, leaving an ashamed Tom alone with Kate]
Tom, I thought we talked about this: the more you hang on, the more they're going to pull away. Oh, god. I'll go to talk to her.
All right. From now on, no seeing the Murtaughs, no talking to the Murtaughs, no thinking about the Murtaughs!
Can't we just compete and still like, see them?
No! Right now, I am not a father, I am a coach. And we're gonna be training twice a day, every day, starting outside in 10 minutes. No later.
How I discipline my kids is none of your business.
Jimmy You know, I've been trying to say this in a nice way, but uh... well, there's a pretty good reason your kids are screw-ups.
My kids screwed up. They are not screw-ups!
Jimmy That's because you're not strict enough. Parenting isn't a popularity contest, Tom, but I guess if you knew that, your kids wouldn't be so undisciplined, and you and I wouldn't be having this conversation.
The only problem with my kids is that they're hanging out with your kids!
Jimmy It wasn't my daughter who got caught stealing.
And it wasn't my son who trashed the tennis court!
Jimmy Do you actually think I'm screwing up my kids, Baker?
Yeah. And one day, they're gonna crack.
Jimmy Well, why don't we test that theory... on Labor Day!? Murtaughs vs. Bakers... for the cup! What do you say?
You're on. We'll see you there.
