Scott Yeah.
Yeah, she seems awesome.
Scott Yeah.
Scott Yeah. [confused] Wait, what?
I mean, are you really happy, or are you really evil?
Scott Like, do I have ulterior motives or something? I'm offended, Kim.
Wounded, even?
Scott Hurt, Kim.
Scott Neil, you were saying about "she seems awesome"?
Yeah, she seems awesome.
Scott Yeah.
[Stephen whistles]
Scott This school has boys, too.
Hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a 17-year-old.
Scott Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating. It's more like--
Playtime?
Scott That doesn't sound so good, either.
No.
Scott! [runs up to Scott and Wallace]
Scott Hey, Knives. This is my cool, gay roommate, Wallace Wells.
Hi.
Scott He's gay.
Oh. Do you wanna know who in my class is gay?
Yes. Does he wear glasses?
Scott Wallace, you go now. Begone.
You're too good for him. Run. [walks away while Scott nervously chuckles]
Scott Wallace! [Wallace wakes up hungover, and is still wearing his clothes from the previous night] Amazon.ca, what's the website for that?
Scott I have to order something really cool.
You've got mail.
Scott Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
Scott Dude, now I'm reading it.
Scott Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah, b-- Fair warning; Mano y mano, Seven evil-- Blah, blah. This is-- [alarmed] This is-- This is--
Scott This is boring. Dele-ete. [deletes e-mail. Wallace sees Scott sitting in front of the door]
Scott Maybe.
It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.
Scott You were saying?
Scott Hey! Attack hug. That's so cute. So cute.
You don't remember? You were supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half-hour ago.
Scott How could I possibly forget? [Scott chuckles as Knives hugs him and laughs, and Wallace falls back into bed.]
Uh, Scott Pilgrim?
Scott Hi, I was thinking about asking you out, but then I realized how stupid that would be. So, do you want to go out sometime?
Um, no. That's okay. You just need to sign for this, alright?
Scott I just woke up and you were in my dream. I dreamt that you were delivering me this package. Is that weird?
It's not weird at all.
Scott It's not?
No, it's just that you have this really convenient subspace highway running through your head that I like to use. It's, like, 3 miles in 15 seconds.
Scott Right, right.
I forgot you guys don't have that in Canada.
Mr. Pilgrim! [lands on the stage] It is I... Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... begun! [leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott in slow-mo]
Scott What did I do? What do I do?
Scott Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
Scott I skimmed it.
Tsk. [shakes his head] Mmm-mmm.
You will pay for your insolence!
Guy Yeah. Is he a pirate?
Scott Are you a pirate?
Scott You really went out with this guy?
Scott And?
It was football season, and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me. Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town. So the two of us joined forces, and we took 'em all down. We brawled, and scrapped, and fought for hours. Nothing could beat Matthew's mystical powers. We only kissed once. After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers.
Scott Dude, wait. Mystical powers?
You'll pay for this...Flowers. [singing] ♪ If you want to fight me ♪
What?
Ha! ♪ You're not the brightest. You won't know what hit you in the slightest. ♪ [vocalizes and makes Demon Hipster Chicks appear.]
♪ Me and my fireballs. ♪ [hisses] ♪ My Demon Hipster Chicks. ♪
Tell 'em, Matty.
♪ I'm talking the talk, 'cause I know I'm slick. ♪ [winks]
S-L-ick.
♪ Fireballs, take this sucker down. Let us show him what we're all about. ♪
Scott That doesn't even rhyme! [throws a cymbal which hits Matthew on his head, and makes the Demon Hipster Chicks disappear]
Scott Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see. [flies toward Matthew video-game-style and punches his face]
K.O.!
Scott Sweet! Coins. [he picks up the coins]
God, did that just happen?
That just happened.
Well...it was nice meeting you. Tell your...gay friends I said bye.
"Gay friends"? [shocked and angry] Wallace! Again?!
Get a room, guys!
Oh, my God!
Scott Oh, man, $2.40? That's not even enough for the bus home.
I'll lend you the 35¢.
Yeah, so, Sex Bob-Omb wins.
Sex Bob-Omb won? [starts whooping, but stops and doesn't see Scott; saddened] Oh.
Scott So...what was all that all about?
Um...I guess... if we're gonna date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.
Scott You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?
Seven evil exes, yes.
Scott And I have to fight--
Defeat.
Scott Defeat your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?
Pretty much.
Scott So, what you're saying right now is we are dating?
Uh, I guess.
Scott Does that mean we can make out?
Scott Cool.
Aw!
Where's Knives? Not coming tonight?
Scott No, we broke up. Hey, check it out. I learned the bass line from Final Fantasy II. [strums "Final Fantasy II" bass line.]
Scott, you are the salt of the Earth.
Scott Oh, thanks.
I meant, "Scum of the Earth."
Scott Thanks.
You broke up with Knives?
Scott Yeah. But don't worry. Maybe soon, you'll meet my new-new girlfriend.
"New-new"?
Okay. From here on out, no girlfriends or girlfriend talk at practice, whether they're old, new, or new-new.
We were lucky to survive the last round. It's sudden death now, okay?
Scott Okay. [he and Sex Bob-Omb play "Summertime," but a doorbell ringing interrupts him] [excited] That's for me! That's for me, that's for me. [opens door from Ramona] Hey, you're here. [notices Ramona's hair is blue.]
Yes, like you said. [Ramona enters and Scott closes the door.]
Scott You know your hair?
I know of it.
Scott It's all blue.
I change my hair every week-and-a-half, dude. Get used to it. [Scott stares at Ramona's hair] So...how do you guys all know each other?
Um, high school, I guess.
What Neil said.
Oh, got any embarrassing stories?
Scott Okay, bye. See you guys tomorrow.
What about rehearsal?
Scott Neil knows my parts. [he and Ramona leave]
I'm Neil. [Kim and Stephen stare at him]
Lucas Prepare-- [rips off part of set] Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.
Scott The League of Evil Exes?
Lucas You really don't know about the League?
Scott Um...
Lucas The Seven Evil Exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?
Scott No.
Lucas Oh, well, hey, listen, man. Don't worry about it.
Scott Really?
Lucas Yeah. [reaches to help him up] Let's go get a beer.
Scott That's great.
Lucas BOOM! [laughs] OOH!
Scott You are a pretty good actor.
Lucas I'm going for the Oscar this year.
Scott But are you a pretty good skater?
Lucas I'm more than pretty good, Esé. [pulls his shirt collar down to reveal a double-L tattoo on his chest] I have my own skate company.
Scott But can you do a thingy...on that rail? [indicates railing on a set of steps]
Lucas It's called a grind, bro.
Scott So, can you do a grindy thingy now?
Lucas Are you serious? There are, like, 200 steps, and the rails are garbage.
Scott Well, hey, if it's too hardcore, then--
Lucas You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?
Scott There are girls watching.
Lucas Somebody get me my board.
Lucas Lee Why wouldn't you be? [starts his run, hopping from rail to rail, picking up speed, by kilometers]
Scott Wow. [Lucas' speed increases rapidly] Wow. [Lucas is now going dangerously fast, the bottom of the rail in sight] Wow. [going too fast to stop, Lucas reaches the bottom of the steps, stops at 309 kilometers, and explodes into coins]
Wow.
Scott Yes!
He totally bailed.
Scott Ah! I didn't get his autograph.
No.
Director And that's a wrap, everybody.
Scott Hey, where's Ramona? Is she still here?
Scott What's the deal? Seriously.
Director Okay, let's get everybody out of here. Let's move, people, the sun is coming up.
Scott Wallace?
Uh-huh?
Scott This is happening, right?
Oh, yeah. [yelling] Kick her in the balls!
Roxy I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag! [throws the hammer out of the window] Ha! [turns around, Ramona axe-kicks her in the head and she falls to the floor.]
I'd rather be dead than go back. He's a creep, you're a bitch, and you all deserve each other.
Roxy Give it a rest, Ramona; This is a League game!
Meaning?
Roxy Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists!
Scott Uh, I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.
You don't have a choice.
Roxy Fight your own battles, lazy ass! [vanishes] [seven seconds later] Lazy ass! [re-materializes, forcing Scott and Ramona apart, and punches Scott into the rafters. He falls and lands in a pile on the ground.] Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey, some sooner than others. [raises her leg in an axe kick] Your BF's about to get F'd in the B! [brings her leg down in slow-mo]
Scott Wait, how does that work?
Scott Okay, enough!
Roxy You'll never... be able to do this... to heeerrr!!!
[She explodes into coins, with an orgasmic moan, thus earning Scott 4,000 points.]
Scott! Let it go. Don't give him the satisfaction.
Scott What if I want the satisfaction?
Scott Pilgrim! He-hey! Buddy, welcome to the Chaos Theatre. Somebody get this man a drink. A Coke Zero, right?
Scott I'm not here to drink.
Whoa. I've got no beef with you.
Scott Well, what if I have a beef...with you?
Are you still mad about the whole thing with The Guild?
Scott You mean The League?
The Guild, League, whatever. It's ancient history.
Scott I'll show you how ancient of history it is! [charges at Gideon]
Wait, wait, w-w-wait! [Scott stops running] There's no use crying over spilt Coke, buddy. The lady made her choice, and we're all just gonna have to...move on.
Scott Well, I ain't movin', buddy.
You wanna fight me... for her?
Scott Was that not clear? [to the members of Sex Bob-Omb] Was that not clear?
I don't know.
Now, why on Earth... would you want to do... that?
Scott Because I'm in love with her. [gasps and falters back]
Scott earned the Power of Love.
Aw, I think this deserves a song. Kimberley!!
We are Sex Bob-Omb. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff. One-two-three-four!
Scott Oh, man.
Sorry. Dying's got to suck.
Scott You know what sucks? Getting killed by that guy. Why him?
It's complicated.
Scott Well, I'm not going anywhere, so... now might be a good time to get into it.
Truth is...it was me who was obsessed. I was crazy about him. But he ignored me. I was more alone when we were together than I ever was on my own. That's why I had to leave. And that's when he started paying attention.
Scott So, why go back?
I can't help myself around him, Scott; He just...has this way of getting into my head.
Scott Well, that's legitimately disappointing. I really will leave you alone forever now.
No, he literally has a way of getting into my head. [shows chip on the back of her neck]
Scott That is evil.
I didn't mean for you to get dragged into this, Scott. I just wanted something simple. I'm sorry it had to end this way.
Scott Well, I really fought for you.
Maybe I'm not the one you should have been fighting for. [turns to dust]
Scott What? But-- But-- I feel like I learned something. [saddened] Which would be great if I wasn't dead. [collapses to his knees] So-- So alone.
You're not alone.
Scott Right! [uses 1-UP to revive and re-enters the Chaos Theatre from the beginning.] [to one of Gideon's goons] Your hair looks stupid. [Goon gasps in shock and turns into coins, earning Scott Pilgrim 700 points. Two goons block the elevator]
Right Goon Second password? [Scott defeats both of them, earning 700 points each, and goes down the elevator.]
Comeau I mean, I saw it. It's just the comic book is better than the movie. [notices Scott] Hello. [Scott barges past him, earning 350 points per person, to the stage where Sex Bob-Omb, as before, notice Scott and stop playing]
Scott! Let it go.
Scott Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Stephen, the new line-up rocks. You guys sound way better without me. Young Neil, you have learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as... Neil.
Scott And Kim... [Kim raises an eyebrow] I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about me. [surprised, Kim smiles at him for the first time]
Scott Save it! You're pretentious. This club sucks. I've got beef. Let's do it. [charges toward Gideon]
Wait, wait, w-w-wait! [Scott stops running] You wanna fight me... for her?
Scott No. I want to fight you for me. [falters back]
Scott earned the Power of Self-Respect.
Umm--
Scott KIM!
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE ARE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN!!!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!!!! [Sex Bob-Omb starts playing a faster upbeat rock song]
Scott How's it going back there?
You... dick! [slumps, earning Scott 7,000 points]
Scott Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramona.
SCOTT!!! [They turn just as Knives flying-kicks Ramona in the head, knocking her to the ground, and unknowingly breaks the chip on the back of her head] Steal my boyfriend, [twirls sai] taste my steel! [lunges to attack Ramona, but Scott blocks her]
Scott Enough!
No, Scott! [kicks Scott in the neck] This fat-ass hurt me, and I will have my revenge!
Scott No, Knives, I hurt you. I cheated on you. [Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.] I cheated on both of you. I'm really sorry. [turns to Ramona] And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So, are we all good?
Never felt better.
Yoo-hoo! [they all turn to Gideon, who is standing directly behind them] Are we done with the hugging and the learning? [puts a new piece of gum in his mouth] I thought we had a fight going on here!
Scott Oh, you've got a fight, all right. [prepares himself, and a VS. sign appears between him and Gideon]
Wrong move, baby. [Gideon summons an 8-bit pixelated katana, and they begin to fight. Scott blocks Gideon's swings, and Scott falls to the floor. Gideon almost kills Scott with his pixelated katana, but Knives blocks and forces Gideon back, causing him to swallow his gum. "2 Player Mode" appears.] You made me swallow my gum. [adjusts his glasses.] It's gonna be in my digestive tract for 7 years! [Scott and Knives fight Gideon, but Gideon kicks Knives off, and Gideon and Scott continue to fight; Scott slashes Gideon's cheek, earning 3,500 points, but Gideon breaks Scott's sword] [to Ramona] Yeah. Still my girl. [Ramona puts her arms around him, and Scott looks up nearly heartbroken.]
Let's both be girls. [knees Gideon in the groin causing him to scream in pain. Knives steals the pixelated katana, and Gideon angrily slaps Ramona]
Bad! [Ramona falls to the floor] Bad! [Gideon kicks Ramona down the stairs.] Bad!
What?
Get ready! [Gideon's cocky smile disappears] Here we go! [Scott and Knives charge toward Gideon and beat him up.] Good! Good! Good! Combo! [Scott grabs Gideon by the tie, flips him upside-down, and Knives kicks him.] Perfect! [Gideon is flipped around and is gravely wounded, as he flashes and glitches angrily.]
Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are. A pain in my ASS!! Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid League? Like, two hours! TWO HOURS! [coughs and hacks out coin] You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. You're nothing! Me, I'M what's hip! I'M what's happening! I'M blowing up right now!
Scott You are blowing up. RIGHT NOW! [drop-kicks Gideon in the head]
K.O.!
Wow!
Scott Yeah. Wow.
There goes our deal.
We're still getting paid, right?
There goes our deal.
Oh.
You two make a good combo.
Scott Yeah?
Yeah.
Scott Pilgrim. [chuckles] You can defeat me, Scott. But can you defeat yourself?
Nega Scott. [Knives and Ramona prepare to fight]
Scott No. This is something I have to face. [walks toward Nega Scott] Myself. [tosses Gideon's glasses]
Solo round!
Scott They have this incredible French toast with, like, bananas on it, and you get bacon on the side.
Oh, I'm likin' that.
Scott Well, let's do it next week.
Yeah, Tuesday.
Scott Yeah, all right. Be good.
Yeah, yeah.
Scott Hey.
What happened?
Scott Oh, nothing, we just shot the shit. He's, he's just a really nice guy. We're gonna get brunch next week. We, uh, we actually have a lot in common.
Your hair, it's getting really shaggy.
Scott It is?
Yeah. [removes Scott's hat] You should probably get it cut.
Scott Yeah, you're right. I should get it cut.
At a salon.
Scott Salon, yeah. That sounds really nice. [to Ramona] Hey. You're-- You're goin'?
I should probably disappear.
Scott After all that?
I still need a new life. I came here to escape, but the past keeps catching up. I'm tired of people getting hurt because of me.
Scott I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get over it.
I don't mean just you.
Scott I understand.
I should thank you, though.
Scott For what?
For being the nicest guy I ever dated.
Scott That's kind of sad.
It is kind of sad.
Scott Well, bye, and stuff.
Yeah. And stuff.
Scott What?
You've been fighting for her all along.
Scott But what about you?
I'll be fine. [chuckles and kisses Scott's cheek.] I'm too cool for you anyway.
Scott Ciao, Knives.
Scott Hey! Hey. Mind if I tag along?
You wanna come with me?
Scott Yeah. I thought maybe we could try again. [takes Ramona's hand and they walk through a door with a star on it, and the door closes]
Continue? 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
Scott Knives!
Oh, my God. [glares at Todd, angrily] You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott; worried] He punched the highlights out of her hair!
You are incorrigible.
I don't know the meaning of the word.
HE REALLY DOESN'T.
So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town?
"Fun"? In Toronto?
Ha!
Scott THAT'S IT! [slams fists on table as Envy gasps in horror] YOU COCKY ****! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity! [lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air] [gasping] My neck. [stunned] Your hair.
Didn't you know? Todd's vegan.
Scott Vegan?
It's not really that big of a deal. [kicks and breaks off part of the brick wall]
Scott No kidding. [coughs and stands up] Anyone can be vegan.
Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.
Scott Ovo-what?
I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum of any creature with a face.
Short answer: Being vegan just makes you better than most people.
Bingo. [punches Scott and sends him, screaming, leaving a trail of A's high into the air and out of sight.]
Scott If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?
It's not raining.
Scott Oh. Then, why don't you give me the Cliff Notes on how and why you ended up dating this A-hole.
Is it really important right now?
Scott Well, if there's a key element in his backstory that's gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes.
I was only dating Lucas until the minute Todd walked by. Guess that's not very nice, but I used to be kind of...like that. We hated everyone, we wrecked stuff, nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was pretty crazy. A week-and-a-half later, he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so, I dumped him.
Scott Have you dumped everyone you've ever been with? You've never been the dumpee?
Look, I've dabbled in being a bitch. It's part of the reason I moved here. I was really hoping to just...leave it all behind me.
Hey, lovebirds. We have unfinished business, I and he.
Scott "He and me."
Don't you talk to me about grammar.
Scott I dislike you, capisce?
Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
Scott What?
Because you'll be dust by Monday.
Scott Ummm...
Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady? She cleans up dust. She dusts.
Scott S-so, what's on Monday?
Well, 'cause... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?
Basically, you can't win this fight, so you're gonna have to give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.
Scott You used to be so NICE! [charges toward Todd in slow-mo, but Todd psychically throws Scott through a brick wall.]
Uh, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza Pizza for a slice. Call us when you're done.
Oh, he'll be done. Real soon.
I can read your thoughts. [psychically] Your will is broken. [normally] You're through.
Scott What say we drink to my memory? [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk?
Heh. I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.
Dude, I can see in your mind's eye, that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee]
Scott Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee]
Scott You just drank half-and-half, baby.
Scott You once were a ve-gone, but now you will be gone.
Scott Uh...sorry, I guess.
Scott You kicked my heart in the ass, so, I guess we're even...Natalie.
Scott Maybe they should. [to Ramona] Let's get out of here. [he and Ramona leave and Scott also holds his back.]
I'm not sure there's going to be much of a party. I think a third of the band just went poom.
Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties. Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.
Then why would we--? [realizing] Oh.
You wanna go?
Scott Well...I kind of almost died back there.
I'm not saying I want to go.
Scott Yeah, we can totally go.
I'll do whatever you want to do.
Scott So, let's go.
We really don't have to go to this thing. It'll probably be a bad scene all around.
Scott No, I'm fine. It's just--
"It's just"?
Scott Well...have you ever dated someone that wasn't a total ass?
Well, so far, you're not a total ass.
Scott But I'm part ass?
If it makes you feel better, you're the nicest guy I've dated.
Scott Wait, is that good?
It's what I need right now.
Scott But not later?
Scott, I don't have all the answers, okay? I'd just like to try and live in the moment if I can.
Scott I'd just like to live. [he and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's after-party.]
Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage.
Scott Yeah, well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes. What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane?
Exes.
Scott Whatever.
No breakup is painless; somebody always gets hurt. What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who?
Scott I believe I broke up with her.
And was she cool with that?
Scott Knives is with Young Neil now; she's totally cool with it.
You're sure about that?
Scott Yeah, she's very mature for her age. We had a very healthy break-up. We're all peaches and gravy.
What about you and Kim?
Scott Me and Kim? I can barely remember. It was high school. She had freckles.
That's it?
Scott Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.
That's really the whole story?
Scott Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay? And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better?
Well, now you are being a total ass. Welcome to the club.
Scott I'm sorry; I'm not usually like this.
Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore.
Scott I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.
Exes.
Scott Why do you keep saying that? [gets kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.] [stands up, thinking] The girl from earlier?
Roxy?
Scott You know this girl?
Roxy Oh, boy, does she know me.
Scott What is she talking about?
Roxy Richter He really doesn't know?
Scott Wait.
Roxy Hmm. [smiles suggestively]
Scott You and her?!
It was just a phase.
Roxy "Just a phase"?
Scott You had a sexy phase?
It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.
Roxy "It meant nothing"?!
I was just a little bi-curious.
Roxy Well, honey... [cracks knuckles] I'm a little bi-FURIOUS! [performs a slow-mo spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]
Do that again, and I will end you!
Roxy Back off, has-bian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!
Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse]
