Wallace [Waiting outside Knives' school.]
I do not want to be here at all.
This school has boys, too.
Wallace Hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a 17-year-old.
Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating. It's more like--
Wallace Playtime?
That doesn't sound so good, either.
Wallace No.
Scott! [runs up to Scott and Wallace]
Hey, Knives. This is my cool, gay roommate, Wallace Wells.
Oh. Do you wanna know who in my class is gay?
Wallace Yes. Does he wear glasses?
Wallace, you go now. Begone.
Wallace [seizing Knives by the hands, intensely]
You're too good for him. Run. [walks away while Scott nervously chuckles]
Wallace! [Wallace wakes up hungover, and is still wearing his clothes from the previous night] Amazon.ca, what's the website for that?
Wallace [nonchalantly]
"Amazon.ca".
I have to order something really cool.
C Computer
You've got mail.
Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
Wallace [sarcastically]
It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
Dude, now I'm reading it.
Wallace [sarcastically]
So happy for you.
[reading]
Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah, b-- Fair warning; Mano y mano, Seven evil-- Blah, blah. This is-- [alarmed] This is-- This is--
Wallace [yanks off sweater]
What??
This is boring. Dele-ete. [deletes e-mail. Wallace sees Scott sitting in front of the door]
Wallace [incredulous]
Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?
Wallace It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.
[doorbell rings] [jumps up]
You were saying?
[Scott opens the door and is immediately pounced on by Knives]
Attack hug!!
Hey! Attack hug. That's so cute. So cute.
You don't remember? You were supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half-hour ago.
[flatly smiling]
How could I possibly forget? [Scott chuckles as Knives hugs him and laughs, and Wallace falls back into bed.]
Wallace [Wallace and Jimmy are about to watch a gig from Crash and the Boys]
Hey, Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?
J Jimmy
[hesitantly]
They have not started playing yet.
W Wells
That was a test, Jimmy.
C Crash
[offscreen]
One, two.
Wallace [pats Jimmy's arm]
You passed.
J Jimmy
[uncomfortably]
Okay.
C Crash
Good evening. My name is Crash, these are the Boys.
Wallace [heckling.]
Is that girl a Boy, too?
C Crash
[offended]
Yes. [Trasha gives Wallace the finger; audience titters.]
[offstage, incensed]
They have a girl drummer?
C Crash
This song is called, "I Am So Sad, I Am So Very, Very Sad". Goes a little something like this. [Trasha counts in on the drums, and Crash and Joel play two chords] ♪ SOOOOOO SAD!!!... ♪ [Song ends] Thank you.
Wallace [heckling]
Not a race, guys!
C Crash
[audience stares at Wallace, annoyed with the heckling]
All right, this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. [Wallace points at himself, mock questioningly] It's called "We Hate You, Please Die."
Wallace Sweet! [to Jimmy] Love this one.
[Crash and the Boys play "We Hate You, Please Die."] [barely audible with subtitles]
How are we supposed to follow this? We're not going to win. We're not going to sign with G-Man. We'll never play opening night at the Chaos Theatre. Goddamn, Scott! Will you please stop just standing there?! You're freaking me out!
Wallace [to Scott]
Hey! What's up with his outfit?
G Guy
Yeah. Is he a pirate?
[audience titters] [to Matthew]
Are you a pirate?
[defensive]
Pirates are in this year.
[Scott and Matthew fight some more, and Scott seizes him by the arms.] [to Ramona]
You really went out with this guy?
[spotlight shines on Ramona]
Yeah. In the 7th grade.
[sighs]
It was football season, and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me. Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town. So the two of us joined forces, and we took 'em all down. We brawled, and scrapped, and fought for hours. Nothing could beat Matthew's mystical powers. We only kissed once. After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers.
Dude, wait. Mystical powers?
[pushes Scott back; to Ramona]
You'll pay for this...Flowers. [singing] ♪ If you want to fight me ♪
S Stacy
[confused and flatly]
What?
Ha! ♪ You're not the brightest. You won't know what hit you in the slightest. ♪ [vocalizes and makes Demon Hipster Chicks appear.]
[stunned]
This guy's good.
♪ Me and my fireballs. ♪ [hisses] ♪ My Demon Hipster Chicks. ♪
DH Demon Hipster Chicks
Tell 'em, Matty.
♪ I'm talking the talk, 'cause I know I'm slick. ♪ [winks]
DH Demon Hipster Chicks
S-L-ick.
♪ Fireballs, take this sucker down. Let us show him what we're all about. ♪
[angrily]
That doesn't even rhyme! [throws a cymbal which hits Matthew on his head, and makes the Demon Hipster Chicks disappear]
[thinking]
This is impossible. How can this be?
[also thinking]
Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see. [flies toward Matthew video-game-style and punches his face]
[Matthew turns into coins, thus earning Scott 1,000 points.] [happily]
Sweet! Coins. [he picks up the coins]
M Man
God, did that just happen?
AM Another Man
That just happened.
Well...it was nice meeting you. Tell your...gay friends I said bye.
S Stacy
[confused]
"Gay friends"? [shocked and angry] Wallace! Again?!
W Woman
[Wallace and Jimmy kiss, and a heart is written over them]
Get a room, guys!
Oh, man, $2.40? That's not even enough for the bus home.
SG Sound Guy
Yeah, so, Sex Bob-Omb wins.
[recovering]
Sex Bob-Omb won? [starts whooping, but stops and doesn't see Scott; saddened] Oh.
[later on the bus]
So...what was all that all about?
Um...I guess... if we're gonna date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.
You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?
Defeat your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?
So, what you're saying right now is we are dating?
Does that mean we can make out?
L Lucas
Prepare-- [rips off part of set] Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.
L Lucas
You really don't know about the League?
L Lucas
The Seven Evil Exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?
L Lucas
Oh, well, hey, listen, man. Don't worry about it.
L Lucas
Yeah. [reaches to help him up] Let's go get a beer.
L Lucas
[Lucas punches him in the face]
BOOM! [laughs] OOH!
You are a pretty good actor.
L Lucas
I'm going for the Oscar this year.
But are you a pretty good skater?
L Lucas
I'm more than pretty good, Esé. [pulls his shirt collar down to reveal a double-L tattoo on his chest] I have my own skate company.
But can you do a thingy...on that rail? [indicates railing on a set of steps]
L Lucas
It's called a grind, bro.
So, can you do a grindy thingy now?
L Lucas
Are you serious? There are, like, 200 steps, and the rails are garbage.
[innocent]
Well, hey, if it's too hardcore, then--
L Lucas
[glaring]
You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?
[deadpan]
There are girls watching.
L Lucas
[looks at his fans, and back at Scott; beat]
Somebody get me my board.
Wallace [pops into view, taps Lucas on shoulder]
Hi. Big fan. [passes him his skateboard]
LL Lucas Lee
[cracks neck; his last words]
Why wouldn't you be? [starts his run, hopping from rail to rail, picking up speed, by kilometers]
[watching]
Wow. [Lucas' speed increases rapidly] Wow. [Lucas is now going dangerously fast, the bottom of the rail in sight] Wow. [going too fast to stop, Lucas reaches the bottom of the steps, stops at 309 kilometers, and explodes into coins]
Wallace Wow.
Wallace He totally bailed.
[Scott earns 2,000 points] [realizing.]
Ah! I didn't get his autograph.
Wallace No.
D Director
And that's a wrap, everybody.
[bell rings] [doesn't see Ramona]
Hey, where's Ramona? Is she still here?
Wallace [he also doesn't see Ramona]
No, she totally bailed.
What's the deal? Seriously.
D Director
Okay, let's get everybody out of here. Let's move, people, the sun is coming up.
[While Ramona and Roxy fight Anime-style, Scott ducks over to Wallace]
Wallace?
Wallace Uh-huh?
This is happening, right?
Wallace Oh, yeah. [yelling] Kick her in the balls!
R Roxy
[As they continue fighting, Roxy grabs Ramona's hammer with her chain sword]
I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag! [throws the hammer out of the window] Ha! [turns around, Ramona axe-kicks her in the head and she falls to the floor.]
I'd rather be dead than go back. He's a creep, you're a bitch, and you all deserve each other.
R Roxy
Give it a rest, Ramona; This is a League game!
R Roxy
[stands up]
Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists!
[Everyone looks at Scott expectantly] [nervous]
Uh, I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.
R Roxy
[Ramona grabs Scott and uses his arms and legs to fend off Roxy's attacks]
Fight your own battles, lazy ass! [vanishes] [seven seconds later] Lazy ass! [re-materializes, forcing Scott and Ramona apart, and punches Scott into the rafters. He falls and lands in a pile on the ground.] Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey, some sooner than others. [raises her leg in an axe kick] Your BF's about to get F'd in the B! [brings her leg down in slow-mo]
[voice slowed down]
Her weak point's the back of her knees.
[voice slowed down]
Wait, how does that work?
[voice slowed down]
Whenever we were making out, I would just--
[voice slowed down]
Okay, enough!
R Roxy
[He prods Roxy in the back of her knee. Roxy, overcome, gasps and, while moaning, collapses on the floor and writhes.]
You'll never... be able to do this... to heeerrr!!!
[She explodes into coins, with an orgasmic moan, thus earning Scott 4,000 points.]
