[Scott enters the Chaos Theatre.] [notices Scott]
Scott! Let it go. Don't give him the satisfaction.
What if I want the satisfaction?
Gideon Scott Pilgrim! He-hey! Buddy, welcome to the Chaos Theatre. Somebody get this man a drink. A Coke Zero, right?
[knocks drink away]
I'm not here to drink.
Gideon Whoa. I've got no beef with you.
[angrily]
Well, what if I have a beef...with you?
Gideon Are you still mad about the whole thing with The Guild?
Gideon The Guild, League, whatever. It's ancient history.
I'll show you how ancient of history it is! [charges at Gideon]
Gideon Wait, wait, w-w-wait! [Scott stops running] There's no use crying over spilt Coke, buddy. The lady made her choice, and we're all just gonna have to...move on.
Well, I ain't movin', buddy.
Gideon You wanna fight me... for her?
[arch]
Was that not clear? [to the members of Sex Bob-Omb] Was that not clear?
SB Sex Bob-Omb
[they shrug]
I don't know.
G Gideons
Now, why on Earth... would you want to do... that?
Because I'm in love with her. [gasps and falters back]
Scott earned the Power of Love.
Gideon [Scott sees a flaming samurai sword emerge from his chest; he grabs hold of the sword and pulls it out, leveling up.]
Aw, I think this deserves a song. Kimberley!!
[unenthusiastically, subtly giving Gideon the finger]
We are Sex Bob-Omb. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff. One-two-three-four!
[after being fatally stabbed in the heart and killed by Gideon; moaning]
Oh, man.
Sorry. Dying's got to suck.
You know what sucks? Getting killed by that guy. Why him?
Well, I'm not going anywhere, so... now might be a good time to get into it.
Truth is...it was me who was obsessed. I was crazy about him. But he ignored me. I was more alone when we were together than I ever was on my own. That's why I had to leave. And that's when he started paying attention.
I can't help myself around him, Scott; He just...has this way of getting into my head.
Well, that's legitimately disappointing. I really will leave you alone forever now.
No, he literally has a way of getting into my head. [shows chip on the back of her neck]
I didn't mean for you to get dragged into this, Scott. I just wanted something simple. I'm sorry it had to end this way.
Well, I really fought for you.
Maybe I'm not the one you should have been fighting for. [turns to dust]
What? But-- But-- I feel like I learned something. [saddened] Which would be great if I wasn't dead. [collapses to his knees] So-- So alone.
[notices a video game 1-UP; determined]
Right! [uses 1-UP to revive and re-enters the Chaos Theatre from the beginning.] [to one of Gideon's goons] Your hair looks stupid. [Goon gasps in shock and turns into coins, earning Scott Pilgrim 700 points. Two goons block the elevator]
RG Right Goon
Second password? [Scott defeats both of them, earning 700 points each, and goes down the elevator.]
C Comeau
[chatting to partygoers.]
I mean, I saw it. It's just the comic book is better than the movie. [notices Scott] Hello. [Scott barges past him, earning 350 points per person, to the stage where Sex Bob-Omb, as before, notice Scott and stop playing]
Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Stephen, the new line-up rocks. You guys sound way better without me. Young Neil, you have learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as... Neil.
And Kim... [Kim raises an eyebrow] I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about me. [surprised, Kim smiles at him for the first time]
Gideon [from the other side of the club]
Scott Pilgrim! Hey, buddy!
Save it! You're pretentious. This club sucks. I've got beef. Let's do it. [charges toward Gideon]
Gideon Wait, wait, w-w-wait! [Scott stops running] You wanna fight me... for her?
No. I want to fight you for me. [falters back]
Scott earned the Power of Self-Respect.
Gideon [Scott pulls out the samurai sword from his chest, leveling up even higher.] [confused]
Umm--
[extremely enthusiastically]
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE ARE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN!!!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!!!! [Sex Bob-Omb starts playing a faster upbeat rock song]
[Obliterating all of the hipster henchmen faster than before, Scott rushes towards Gideon. They lunge at each other, Ninja-Gaiden-style with swords drawn, and Scott slashes Gideon across the shoulder, who tumbles to the ground upon impact, making him drop his gum from out of his mouth] [landing]
How's it going back there?
Gideon You... dick! [slumps, earning Scott 7,000 points]
[calling]
Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramona.
SCOTT!!! [They turn just as Knives flying-kicks Ramona in the head, knocking her to the ground, and unknowingly breaks the chip on the back of her head] Steal my boyfriend, [twirls sai] taste my steel! [lunges to attack Ramona, but Scott blocks her]
No, Scott! [kicks Scott in the neck] This fat-ass hurt me, and I will have my revenge!
No, Knives, I hurt you. I cheated on you. [Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.] I cheated on both of you. I'm really sorry. [turns to Ramona] And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So, are we all good?
[The chip on the back of Ramona's neck shorts out, and powers off] [relieved]
Never felt better.
Gideon Yoo-hoo! [they all turn to Gideon, who is standing directly behind them] Are we done with the hugging and the learning? [puts a new piece of gum in his mouth] I thought we had a fight going on here!
Oh, you've got a fight, all right. [prepares himself, and a VS. sign appears between him and Gideon]
Gideon Wrong move, baby. [Gideon summons an 8-bit pixelated katana, and they begin to fight. Scott blocks Gideon's swings, and Scott falls to the floor. Gideon almost kills Scott with his pixelated katana, but Knives blocks and forces Gideon back, causing him to swallow his gum. "2 Player Mode" appears.] You made me swallow my gum. [adjusts his glasses.] It's gonna be in my digestive tract for 7 years! [Scott and Knives fight Gideon, but Gideon kicks Knives off, and Gideon and Scott continue to fight; Scott slashes Gideon's cheek, earning 3,500 points, but Gideon breaks Scott's sword] [to Ramona] Yeah. Still my girl. [Ramona puts her arms around him, and Scott looks up nearly heartbroken.]
Let's both be girls. [knees Gideon in the groin causing him to scream in pain. Knives steals the pixelated katana, and Gideon angrily slaps Ramona]
A Announcer
Bad! [Ramona falls to the floor] Bad! [Gideon kicks Ramona down the stairs.] Bad!
Gideon [Scott and Knives watch in horror as Ramona falls down the stairs. Gideon turns around to see Scott and Knives staring at him angrily] [cockily]
What?
A Announcer
Get ready! [Gideon's cocky smile disappears] Here we go! [Scott and Knives charge toward Gideon and beat him up.] Good! Good! Good! Combo! [Scott grabs Gideon by the tie, flips him upside-down, and Knives kicks him.] Perfect! [Gideon is flipped around and is gravely wounded, as he flashes and glitches angrily.]
Gideon [voice distorted]
Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are. A pain in my ASS!! Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid League? Like, two hours! TWO HOURS! [coughs and hacks out coin] You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. You're nothing! Me, I'M what's hip! I'M what's happening! I'M blowing up right now!
You are blowing up. RIGHT NOW! [drop-kicks Gideon in the head]
[Gideon turns into a shower of coins, earning Scott 7,000,000,000 points. Coins rain down in slow-mo] [voice slowed down]
Wow!
[voice slowed down]
Yeah. Wow.
[Normal speed; Sex Bob-omb jump back as the mass of coins land on the stage] [deadpan]
There goes our deal.
We're still getting paid, right?
[Stephen scrambles to pick up the coins. Neil picks up a coin, and Kim mimes shooting herself in the head and collapses on her drum kit as Neil puts the coin in his mouth] [gets up and sees Scott and Knives walking down the stairs]
You two make a good combo.
Gideon's Voice [whispering]
Scott Pilgrim. [chuckles] You can defeat me, Scott. But can you defeat yourself?
[Nega Scott, an evil version of Scott Pilgrim, appears]
Uh-oh. Nega Scott.
A Announcer
Nega Scott. [Knives and Ramona prepare to fight]
[stops Knives and Ramona]
No. This is something I have to face. [walks toward Nega Scott] Myself. [tosses Gideon's glasses]
[scene cuts outside the Chaos Theater] [talking to Nega Scott]
They have this incredible French toast with, like, bananas on it, and you get bacon on the side.
NS Nega Scott
Oh, I'm likin' that.
Well, let's do it next week.
NS Nega Scott
Yeah, Tuesday.
Yeah, all right. Be good.
NS Nega Scott
Yeah, yeah.
K Knifes
[Nega Scott whistles as he walks away]
What happened?
Oh, nothing, we just shot the shit. He's, he's just a really nice guy. We're gonna get brunch next week. We, uh, we actually have a lot in common.
K Knifes
Your hair, it's getting really shaggy.
[his hat appears in a comedic manner]
It is?
K Knifes
Yeah. [removes Scott's hat] You should probably get it cut.
[smiles]
Yeah, you're right. I should get it cut.
Salon, yeah. That sounds really nice. [to Ramona] Hey. You're-- You're goin'?
I should probably disappear.
I still need a new life. I came here to escape, but the past keeps catching up. I'm tired of people getting hurt because of me.
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get over it.
I should thank you, though.
For being the nicest guy I ever dated.
