Max Fischer My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. But my safety's Harvard.
Played by Jason Schwartzman 
Rushmore (1998) · 62 quotes
Rushmore (1998) · 62 quotes
Most-quoted character in Rushmore (1998): in 39 of its 62 quotes
Most scenes with: Herman Blume (9), Rosemary Cross (8), Dr. Peter Flynn (3)
You think I got kicked out for just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you wanna know something else? It was worth it.
More lines from Max Fischer
11 quotes Max Fischer Max Fischer Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks. That's all anyone really cares about.
Max Fischer I saved Latin. What did you ever do?
Max Fischer [Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"]
Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them.
Max Fischer [to Dr. Peter]
I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?
Max Fischer [to Rosemary]
So we both have dead people in our families.
Max Fischer [to Rosemary]
I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!
Max Fischer Well, tell that stupid mick he just made my list of things to do today.
Max Fischer I wrote a hit play!
Max Fischer [to Rosemary]
Rushmore was my life, now you are.
Max Fischer [to Rosemary]
Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer....
Scenes with Max Fischer
27 scenes
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic probation.
Max Fischer And what does that entail?
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore.
Max Fischer In other words, I'll be expelled.
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim That's correct.
Max Fischer Can I see some documentation on that, please?
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim [Guggenheim hands him his transcript]
Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying.
Max Fischer Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a post-graduate year, so be it...
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim - We don't offer a post-graduate year.
Max Fischer Well, we don't offer it yet.
Max Fischer What was your major?
I didn't have a major, but my thesis was on Latin American economic policy.
Max Fischer Oh, that's interesting. Did you hear that they're not going to teach Latin anymore?
This was more like Central America.
Max Fischer I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer Oh, are they?
What's the secret, Max?
Max Fischer The secret?
Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.
Max Fischer The secret, I don't know... I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.
Max Fischer So you were in Vietnam?
Yeah.
Max Fischer Were you in the shit?
Yeah, I was in the shit.
Max Fischer The truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea where this relationship is going. We can't predict the future.
We don't have a relationship.
Max Fischer But we're friends.
Yes, and that's all we're going to be. Well, yes...
Max Fischer That's all I meant by "relationship." You want me to grab a dictionary?
She's my Rushmore.
Max Fischer I know. She was mine too.
Max Fischer How the hell did you get so rich? You're a quitter, man!
I spent eight million dollars on this.
Max Fischer And is that all you're willing to spend?
Max Fischer So tell me Curly, how do you know Miss Cross?
We went to Harvard together.
Max Fischer Oh that's great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I'm not sweating it either.
Ernie
What kind of fish?
Max Fischer Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi...
Piranhas? Really?
Max Fischer Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America.
Max Fischer How much are you worth, by the way?
I don't know.
Max Fischer Over ten million?
Yeah, I guess so.
Max Fischer Good, good.
Why?
Max Fischer Cause we're gonna need all of it.
[Max has just petitioned to make Latin a required subject] [heavy Scottish brogue]
Why dincha just piss off, Fischer? Ya dotty wee skid mark!
Max Fischer Is that Latin?
That's none of your business.
Max Fischer I know it's not, but I just got hit by a car and I'm feeling a little confused.
Max Fischer Yes, it is.
I'll show you the door.
Max Fischer I'll just go back out the window.
How did I hurt your feelings?
Max Fischer Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play! [pause] And I'm in love with you.
Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me?
Max Fischer It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility, yeah.
Do you think we're going to have sex?
Max Fischer That's a kinda cheap way to put it.
Not if you've ever **** before, it isn't.
Max Fischer Well, that's because you weren't invited.
Max Fischer Your mind's as warped as your ear, Magnus.
Don't get nasty, brother.
Why did you ask me to come here?
Max Fischer Oh, I was going to drop that tree on you.
That big one?
Max Fischer Yeah.
It would've flattened me like a pancake.
Max Fischer And 'm going to stick a knife in his heart. And 'm going to send him back to Ireland in a bodybag.
Tommy
He's from Scotland.
Max Fischer Well, tell that stupid mick he just made my list of things to do today. 'm going to pop a cap in his ass.
Max Fischer I don't give a shit about the barracudas, **** it! I'm building it anyway.
Max Fischer You're supposed to say, “Forget about it, Sanchez" ,The old man likes his canoli' lines-
Frank
I made a mistake, all right? It doesn't make any difference, anyway.
Max Fischer Hey, I'm letting it go. But don't tell me it doesn't matter. Every line matters.
Frank
Get off my back!
Max Fischer Don't **** with my play!
Come work for me.
Max Fischer What do you mean?
I mean I-I could use someone like you.
Max Fischer Look, I may not be rich, Mr. Blume, my father may only be a neurosurgeon, but we manage.
So you've changed your mind and you want the job.
Max Fischer No, I've got an idea and I need some money.
You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea.
Max Fischer Yes, that's true. [pause] But I've been out to sea for a long time.
