[Waiting outside Knives' school.]
I do not want to be here at all.
This school has boys, too.
Hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a 17-year-old.
Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating. It's more like--
That doesn't sound so good, either.
Knives Scott! [runs up to Scott and Wallace]
Hey, Knives. This is my cool, gay roommate, Wallace Wells.
Knives Hi.
Knives Oh. Do you wanna know who in my class is gay?
Yes. Does he wear glasses?
Wallace, you go now. Begone.
[seizing Knives by the hands, intensely]
You're too good for him. Run. [walks away while Scott nervously chuckles]
Wallace! [Wallace wakes up hungover, and is still wearing his clothes from the previous night] Amazon.ca, what's the website for that?
[nonchalantly]
"Amazon.ca".
I have to order something really cool.
C Computer
You've got mail.
Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
[sarcastically]
It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
Dude, now I'm reading it.
[sarcastically]
So happy for you.
[reading]
Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah, b-- Fair warning; Mano y mano, Seven evil-- Blah, blah. This is-- [alarmed] This is-- This is--
[yanks off sweater]
What??
This is boring. Dele-ete. [deletes e-mail. Wallace sees Scott sitting in front of the door]
[incredulous]
Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?
It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.
[doorbell rings] [jumps up]
You were saying?
Knives [Scott opens the door and is immediately pounced on by Knives]
Attack hug!!
Hey! Attack hug. That's so cute. So cute.
Knives You don't remember? You were supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half-hour ago.
[flatly smiling]
How could I possibly forget? [Scott chuckles as Knives hugs him and laughs, and Wallace falls back into bed.]
[to Scott]
Hey! What's up with his outfit?
G Guy
Yeah. Is he a pirate?
[audience titters] [to Matthew]
Are you a pirate?
[defensive]
Pirates are in this year.
[Scott and Matthew fight some more, and Scott seizes him by the arms.] [to Ramona]
You really went out with this guy?
[spotlight shines on Ramona]
Yeah. In the 7th grade.
[sighs]
It was football season, and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me. Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town. So the two of us joined forces, and we took 'em all down. We brawled, and scrapped, and fought for hours. Nothing could beat Matthew's mystical powers. We only kissed once. After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers.
Dude, wait. Mystical powers?
[pushes Scott back; to Ramona]
You'll pay for this...Flowers. [singing] ♪ If you want to fight me ♪
S Stacy
[confused and flatly]
What?
Ha! ♪ You're not the brightest. You won't know what hit you in the slightest. ♪ [vocalizes and makes Demon Hipster Chicks appear.]
[stunned]
This guy's good.
♪ Me and my fireballs. ♪ [hisses] ♪ My Demon Hipster Chicks. ♪
DH Demon Hipster Chicks
Tell 'em, Matty.
♪ I'm talking the talk, 'cause I know I'm slick. ♪ [winks]
DH Demon Hipster Chicks
S-L-ick.
♪ Fireballs, take this sucker down. Let us show him what we're all about. ♪
[angrily]
That doesn't even rhyme! [throws a cymbal which hits Matthew on his head, and makes the Demon Hipster Chicks disappear]
[thinking]
This is impossible. How can this be?
[also thinking]
Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see. [flies toward Matthew video-game-style and punches his face]
[Matthew turns into coins, thus earning Scott 1,000 points.] [happily]
Sweet! Coins. [he picks up the coins]
M Man
God, did that just happen?
AM Another Man
That just happened.
Well...it was nice meeting you. Tell your...gay friends I said bye.
S Stacy
[confused]
"Gay friends"? [shocked and angry] Wallace! Again?!
W Woman
[Wallace and Jimmy kiss, and a heart is written over them]
Get a room, guys!
Oh, man, $2.40? That's not even enough for the bus home.
SG Sound Guy
Yeah, so, Sex Bob-Omb wins.
Knives [recovering]
Sex Bob-Omb won? [starts whooping, but stops and doesn't see Scott; saddened] Oh.
[later on the bus]
So...what was all that all about?
Um...I guess... if we're gonna date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.
You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?
Defeat your seven evil exes if we're going to continue to date?
So, what you're saying right now is we are dating?
Does that mean we can make out?
Knives [buying blue hair dye from a drugstore while explaining her situation to Tamara Chen]
OH, MY GOD! He's dating a fatass hipster chick! I hate her stupid guts! He only likes her because she's old! She's probably, like, 25! Oh, she's just some fatass white girl, you know?!
TC Tamara Chen
I think you mentioned she was fat.
Knives [preparing to dye her hair]
She's got a head start. I mean, I didn't know there was good music until, like, two months ago! Hey, this really burns.
TC Tamara Chen
You should rinse.
Knives [rinsing her hair]
When I got this idea, I just thought, "I have to do it!"
TC Tamara Chen
I can't hear anything you're saying.
Knives [looking at her hair in the mirror]
Oh, God! I look so...good. Ramona Flowers stole my Scott, but I know how to get him back.
TC Tamara Chen
How?
[Knives texts to Young Neil saying, "YUNG NEIL ITZ KNIVES. OMFG UR SO HOTT."]
[Obliterating all of the hipster henchmen faster than before, Scott rushes towards Gideon. They lunge at each other, Ninja-Gaiden-style with swords drawn, and Scott slashes Gideon across the shoulder, who tumbles to the ground upon impact, making him drop his gum from out of his mouth] [landing]
How's it going back there?
You... dick! [slumps, earning Scott 7,000 points]
[calling]
Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramona.
Knives SCOTT!!! [They turn just as Knives flying-kicks Ramona in the head, knocking her to the ground, and unknowingly breaks the chip on the back of her head] Steal my boyfriend, [twirls sai] taste my steel! [lunges to attack Ramona, but Scott blocks her]
Knives No, Scott! [kicks Scott in the neck] This fat-ass hurt me, and I will have my revenge!
No, Knives, I hurt you. I cheated on you. [Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.] I cheated on both of you. I'm really sorry. [turns to Ramona] And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So, are we all good?
[The chip on the back of Ramona's neck shorts out, and powers off] [relieved]
Never felt better.
Yoo-hoo! [they all turn to Gideon, who is standing directly behind them] Are we done with the hugging and the learning? [puts a new piece of gum in his mouth] I thought we had a fight going on here!
Oh, you've got a fight, all right. [prepares himself, and a VS. sign appears between him and Gideon]
Wrong move, baby. [Gideon summons an 8-bit pixelated katana, and they begin to fight. Scott blocks Gideon's swings, and Scott falls to the floor. Gideon almost kills Scott with his pixelated katana, but Knives blocks and forces Gideon back, causing him to swallow his gum. "2 Player Mode" appears.] You made me swallow my gum. [adjusts his glasses.] It's gonna be in my digestive tract for 7 years! [Scott and Knives fight Gideon, but Gideon kicks Knives off, and Gideon and Scott continue to fight; Scott slashes Gideon's cheek, earning 3,500 points, but Gideon breaks Scott's sword] [to Ramona] Yeah. Still my girl. [Ramona puts her arms around him, and Scott looks up nearly heartbroken.]
Let's both be girls. [knees Gideon in the groin causing him to scream in pain. Knives steals the pixelated katana, and Gideon angrily slaps Ramona]
A Announcer
Bad! [Ramona falls to the floor] Bad! [Gideon kicks Ramona down the stairs.] Bad!
[Scott and Knives watch in horror as Ramona falls down the stairs. Gideon turns around to see Scott and Knives staring at him angrily] [cockily]
What?
A Announcer
Get ready! [Gideon's cocky smile disappears] Here we go! [Scott and Knives charge toward Gideon and beat him up.] Good! Good! Good! Combo! [Scott grabs Gideon by the tie, flips him upside-down, and Knives kicks him.] Perfect! [Gideon is flipped around and is gravely wounded, as he flashes and glitches angrily.]
[voice distorted]
Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are. A pain in my ASS!! Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid League? Like, two hours! TWO HOURS! [coughs and hacks out coin] You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. You're nothing! Me, I'M what's hip! I'M what's happening! I'M blowing up right now!
You are blowing up. RIGHT NOW! [drop-kicks Gideon in the head]
Knives [Gideon turns into a shower of coins, earning Scott 7,000,000,000 points. Coins rain down in slow-mo] [voice slowed down]
Wow!
[voice slowed down]
Yeah. Wow.
[Normal speed; Sex Bob-omb jump back as the mass of coins land on the stage] [deadpan]
There goes our deal.
We're still getting paid, right?
[Stephen scrambles to pick up the coins. Neil picks up a coin, and Kim mimes shooting herself in the head and collapses on her drum kit as Neil puts the coin in his mouth] [gets up and sees Scott and Knives walking down the stairs]
You two make a good combo.
[whispering]
Scott Pilgrim. [chuckles] You can defeat me, Scott. But can you defeat yourself?
Knives [Nega Scott, an evil version of Scott Pilgrim, appears]
Uh-oh. Nega Scott.
A Announcer
Nega Scott. [Knives and Ramona prepare to fight]
[stops Knives and Ramona]
No. This is something I have to face. [walks toward Nega Scott] Myself. [tosses Gideon's glasses]
[scene cuts outside the Chaos Theater] [talking to Nega Scott]
They have this incredible French toast with, like, bananas on it, and you get bacon on the side.
NS Nega Scott
Oh, I'm likin' that.
Well, let's do it next week.
NS Nega Scott
Yeah, Tuesday.
Yeah, all right. Be good.
NS Nega Scott
Yeah, yeah.
K Knifes
[Nega Scott whistles as he walks away]
What happened?
Oh, nothing, we just shot the shit. He's, he's just a really nice guy. We're gonna get brunch next week. We, uh, we actually have a lot in common.
K Knifes
Your hair, it's getting really shaggy.
[his hat appears in a comedic manner]
It is?
K Knifes
Yeah. [removes Scott's hat] You should probably get it cut.
[smiles]
Yeah, you're right. I should get it cut.
Salon, yeah. That sounds really nice. [to Ramona] Hey. You're-- You're goin'?
I should probably disappear.
I still need a new life. I came here to escape, but the past keeps catching up. I'm tired of people getting hurt because of me.
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get over it.
I should thank you, though.
For being the nicest guy I ever dated.
So how was the tour? You guys play with the Pixies? You're like a superstar now.
Yeah, it's, uh, not really something I can put into words.
Knives Um, Envy... [everyone glares at her] I read your blog.
So, Scott and Ramona, eh?
You guys make a cute couple you know. [Todd scoffs] Suit each other.
Knives [pleasurably]
You're my role model, Envy.
Ramona, I like your outfit. Affordable?
[interrupts]
Envy, I was just gonna say, did you get those jeans in New York?
[stops Julie, not wanting to explode]
I'm talking to Ramona right now.
You once were a ve-gone, but now you will be gone.
[incredulous; his last words]
"Ve-gone"?
[Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins, thus earning Scott 3,000 points. Scott holds his forehead and groans in pain. The two Vegan Police Officers exit in slow-mo, high-fiving and exclaiming, "YEAH!" as they do.] [to Envy]
Uh...sorry, I guess.
[in disbelief]
"Sorry"? You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst.
You kicked my heart in the ass, so, I guess we're even...Natalie.
[confused]
"Natalie"? No one calls me that anymore.
Maybe they should. [to Ramona] Let's get out of here. [he and Ramona leave and Scott also holds his back.]
[appearing out of nowhere]
For the record, I am so pissed off for you, right now.
[annoyed]
Shut the [bleep] up, Julie.
[scene cuts to Pizza Pizza]
We're still going to the after-party, right?
I'm not sure there's going to be much of a party. I think a third of the band just went poom.
Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties. Just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.
Then why would we--? [realizing] Oh.
[to Neil]
Neil, you down? [to Scott] Scott, you're in, right?
Well...I kind of almost died back there.
I'm not saying I want to go.
I'll do whatever you want to do.
["ABOUT TO E-X-P-L-O-D-E" appears]
We really don't have to go to this thing. It'll probably be a bad scene all around.
No, I'm fine. It's just--
Well...have you ever dated someone that wasn't a total ass?
Well, so far, you're not a total ass.
If it makes you feel better, you're the nicest guy I've dated.
It's what I need right now.
Scott, I don't have all the answers, okay? I'd just like to try and live in the moment if I can.
I'd just like to live. [he and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's after-party.]
Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage.
Yeah, well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes. What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane?
No breakup is painless; somebody always gets hurt. What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who?
I believe I broke up with her.
And was she cool with that?
Knives is with Young Neil now; she's totally cool with it.
Yeah, she's very mature for her age. We had a very healthy break-up. We're all peaches and gravy.
Knives [whines]
No!
Me and Kim? I can barely remember. It was high school. She had freckles.
Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.
That's really the whole story?
Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay? And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better?
Well, now you are being a total ass. Welcome to the club.
I'm sorry; I'm not usually like this.
Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore.
[rubbing his eyes]
I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head.
Why do you keep saying that? [gets kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.] [stands up, thinking] The girl from earlier?
R Roxy
Oh, boy, does she know me.
[deeply confused]
What is she talking about?
RR Roxy Richter
He really doesn't know?
[realisation dawning]
Wait.
R Roxy
Hmm. [smiles suggestively]
[Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from "NO CLUE" to "GETS IT"] [to Ramona; shocked]
You and her?!
R Roxy
[incensed]
"Just a phase"?
It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.
R Roxy
[angrily]
"It meant nothing"?!
I was just a little bi-curious.
R Roxy
Well, honey... [cracks knuckles] I'm a little bi-FURIOUS! [performs a slow-mo spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]
Do that again, and I will end you!
R Roxy
Back off, has-bian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!
Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse]
