Mr. Pilgrim! [lands on the stage] It is I... Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... begun! [leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott in slow-mo]
Wallace [voice slowed down]
FIGHT!
Most-quoted role: Wallace in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), 8 quotes
Movies Wallace Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
I skimmed it.
Wallace Tsk. [shakes his head] Mmm-mmm.
You will pay for your insolence!
Lucas Prepare-- [rips off part of set] Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.
The League of Evil Exes?
Lucas You really don't know about the League?
Um...
Lucas The Seven Evil Exes? Coming to kill you? Controlling the future of Ramona's love life?
No.
Lucas Oh, well, hey, listen, man. Don't worry about it.
Lucas Yeah. [reaches to help him up] Let's go get a beer.
That's great.
Lucas [Lucas punches him in the face]
BOOM! [laughs] OOH!
You are a pretty good actor.
Lucas I'm going for the Oscar this year.
But are you a pretty good skater?
Lucas I'm more than pretty good, Esé. [pulls his shirt collar down to reveal a double-L tattoo on his chest] I have my own skate company.
But can you do a thingy...on that rail? [indicates railing on a set of steps]
Lucas It's called a grind, bro.
So, can you do a grindy thingy now?
Lucas Are you serious? There are, like, 200 steps, and the rails are garbage.
Lucas [glaring]
You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?
Lucas [looks at his fans, and back at Scott; beat]
Somebody get me my board.
Wallace [pops into view, taps Lucas on shoulder]
Hi. Big fan. [passes him his skateboard]
Lucas Lee [cracks neck; his last words]
Why wouldn't you be? [starts his run, hopping from rail to rail, picking up speed, by kilometers]
[watching]
Wow. [Lucas' speed increases rapidly] Wow. [Lucas is now going dangerously fast, the bottom of the rail in sight] Wow. [going too fast to stop, Lucas reaches the bottom of the steps, stops at 309 kilometers, and explodes into coins]
Wallace Wow.
Yes!
Wallace He totally bailed.
Wallace No.
Director And that's a wrap, everybody.
Wallace [he also doesn't see Ramona]
No, she totally bailed.
What's the deal? Seriously.
Director Okay, let's get everybody out of here. Let's move, people, the sun is coming up.
If I hear from my kids once a month, it's a shock.
Benji Oh, Marcia. **** those guys. Man, I wouldn't miss a week.
Last year my daughter married a very rich man.
Benji Oh, ****.
And she's incapable of having a conversation with any depth anymore.
Benji Well, yeah, of course. Money's like **** heroin for boring people.
Benji You are, like, an awesome guy stuck inside the body of somebody who's always running late. And I gotta, like, fish that ****in' guy outta ya every time I see ya.
Thank you, I think.
Is something going on?
Yes, it is, Mom...uh...God, this is a hard thing to tell parents...especially when you're my parents...Oh, God!
Honey, just say it. What's the big deal?
Matt Yeah.
Okay! I met somebody in Rome. Um, he's an American. Uh, he's from L.A., actually. And um, his name's Brian MacKenzie. And he's this completely wonderful, wonderful, amazing man, and...well, we starting seeing each other, a lot...and, um...we fell in love. Ha! Ha! It actually happened! And, uh, we've decided to get married...which means that, I'm engaged! Ha! I'm engaged! I'm getting married! HA!
Matt Congratulations!
Thank you.
Oh! My! My! Oh, so, oh my...and that's your engagement ring, huh? bought it from said that it's at least a hundred years old...So, Dad. Stop it. Say something.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Dad, I met a man in Rome. And he's wonderful and brilliant, and we're getting married.
Mom, what's he doing?
George? George? George? What is it?
Well...this is...this is ridiculous! You're too young to get married!
Too young? Dad, I'm twenty-two. If I'm not mistaken, that's a year older than Mom was when you guys got married.
That is absolutely not true!
Oh, no...you're absolutely wrong.
You were this age when I married you?
No. I was younger. I was this age when she was born.
That...that doesn't matter. Times have changed. Your mother was mature...and twenty-two isn't what it used to be...Matt, would you turn on the air conditioner? It's hot in here. I thought...I thought you didn't believe in marriage. I thought it meant a woman lost her identity. I thought you wanted to get a job before you settled down so you could earn money and be your own person.
All right, hold on. I didn't think I believed in marriage until I met Brian. Brian's not like any other guy I've ever known. I want to be married to him. And I'm not going to lose my identity with him because he's not some overpowering, macho guy. He's like you, Dad! Except he's brilliant. He happens to love that I'm going to be an architect. He wants me to design a house for us to live in. He said he'd move anywhere I got a job. Give me a little credit, George. I'm not going to marry some ape who wants me to wear go-go boots and an apron. I'm telling you, you'll love him. He's a genius. And sweet. And I love him more than anything in the world.
What does Brian do?
Who's Brian?
Oh!
I forgot his name!
He's an independent communications consultant.
Independent?
Yes.
That's code for unemployed! This is perfect! You meet an unemployed, amazingly brilliant non-ape that I'm going to have to support! I suppose I'm going to have to hire him and fire some hard working guy with three kids because my son-in-law, the "independent communications consultant," can't get a job anywhere else! No wonder he'll move anywhere you get a job! You're not getting married and that's it and that's final! And I don't like you calling me George! I mean, when did this start?
Daddy, what is wrong with you? [runs out]
What? Are you telling me you're happy about this?
George, please. Would you stop acting like a lunatic father and go out and talk to her before she runs out that door, marries this kid and we never see her again!
All right. Kid? How do you know he's a kid? He could be forty-five years old.
The reason I'm asking all these questions is I have a great idea where we can have this lovely, not small, but not too big wedding.
You do? Where?
At our favorite restaurant. The place we've been eating at for fifteen years. The best. The Steak Pit!
Dad, get serious.
Matt I don't think you want the word "Pit" on a wedding invitation, George.
Really, Dad. A rib joint with sawdust on the floor isn't exactly what I had in mind for my wedding. No offense.
Two hundred and fifty dollars a head means that for the four of us to attend this wedding in our own home will cost one thousand dollars. Therefore, we are not getting up from this table until we cut this list down to the bare minimum. Now, invite as many people as you want to the church. Pack 'em in. Build a grandstand if you want, but we are not having more than one hundred and fifty people in this house on the day of the wedding. All right, let's start eliminating.
Okay. Jim Pepper and wife.
Oh, great. Start with one of my guys.
Fine! We'll start with one of mine. I'll cut Steve and Stephanie Turell. They're very good clients of mine...
Say no more, they're history.
All right. Jim Pepper and wife.
I've known the guy for twenty years.
You haven't seen him in fifteen, George.
All right. I'll say I lost his address. Now here's somebody. Your cousin Betsy. The poet/waitress/picture framer.
We can't cut family. They know about the wedding.
Matt I only invited one person: Cameron. Mom said I could have a friend there.
For two hundred and fifty bucks you can see Cameron after the wedding. All right, very good. Five down. We're rolling.
All right, what about Harry Kirby? We haven't seen him in ages.
I don't know.
Didn't Harry Kirby die last year?
Yes! Good! Oh, well...sorry.
Matt Who's Frank Eglehoffer?
What?
He's coordinating the wedding and then we're not going to invite him?
Exactly! Do you think I'm going to pay a guy fifteen-percent, plus an hourly, plus an additional five hundred dollars to feed him and that assistant of his? Have you lost your mind?
Matt Can I put Cameron back on the list if he promises not to eat?
You know, that's not a bad idea. Who else can we ask not to eat? My parents...your mother.
Why don't we just charge people? That way we can make money on the wedding! [storms out]
Annie? Annie...
I was kidding.