Nina Is something going on?
Yes, it is, Mom...uh...God, this is a hard thing to tell parents...especially when you're my parents...Oh, God!
Honey, just say it. What's the big deal?
Okay! I met somebody in Rome. Um, he's an American. Uh, he's from L.A., actually. And um, his name's Brian MacKenzie. And he's this completely wonderful, wonderful, amazing man, and...well, we starting seeing each other, a lot...and, um...we fell in love. Ha! Ha! It actually happened! And, uh, we've decided to get married...which means that, I'm engaged! Ha! I'm engaged! I'm getting married! HA!
Nina Oh! My! My! Oh, so, oh my...and that's your engagement ring, huh? bought it from said that it's at least a hundred years old...So, Dad. Stop it. Say something.
I'm sorry. What did you say?
Dad, I met a man in Rome. And he's wonderful and brilliant, and we're getting married.
Nina George? George? George? What is it?
Well...this is...this is ridiculous! You're too young to get married!
Too young? Dad, I'm twenty-two. If I'm not mistaken, that's a year older than Mom was when you guys got married.
That is absolutely not true!
Nina Oh, no...you're absolutely wrong.
You were this age when I married you?
Nina No. I was younger. I was this age when she was born.
That...that doesn't matter. Times have changed. Your mother was mature...and twenty-two isn't what it used to be...Matt, would you turn on the air conditioner? It's hot in here. I thought...I thought you didn't believe in marriage. I thought it meant a woman lost her identity. I thought you wanted to get a job before you settled down so you could earn money and be your own person.
All right, hold on. I didn't think I believed in marriage until I met Brian. Brian's not like any other guy I've ever known. I want to be married to him. And I'm not going to lose my identity with him because he's not some overpowering, macho guy. He's like you, Dad! Except he's brilliant. He happens to love that I'm going to be an architect. He wants me to design a house for us to live in. He said he'd move anywhere I got a job. Give me a little credit, George. I'm not going to marry some ape who wants me to wear go-go boots and an apron. I'm telling you, you'll love him. He's a genius. And sweet. And I love him more than anything in the world.
Nina What does Brian do?
Nina Oh!
He's an independent communications consultant.
That's code for unemployed! This is perfect! You meet an unemployed, amazingly brilliant non-ape that I'm going to have to support! I suppose I'm going to have to hire him and fire some hard working guy with three kids because my son-in-law, the "independent communications consultant," can't get a job anywhere else! No wonder he'll move anywhere you get a job! You're not getting married and that's it and that's final! And I don't like you calling me George! I mean, when did this start?
Daddy, what is wrong with you? [runs out]
What? Are you telling me you're happy about this?
Nina George, please. Would you stop acting like a lunatic father and go out and talk to her before she runs out that door, marries this kid and we never see her again!
All right. Kid? How do you know he's a kid? He could be forty-five years old.
You know, driving down here, I tried to put myself in your place. Your daughter comes home after spending four months in Rome, and uh, I'm sure you couldn't wait to see her...and she shocks you with the news that she's getting married. And to somebody you've never met before. I'm sure that was pretty..."heavy"...to use a word from your generation. I just want to say that I'm an upstanding citizen, and I've never been engaged before...I've never really been in love before. And, uh...I think Annie is the greatest person I've ever met. And I can't wait to marry her and one day...have children...and grandchildren. And I'm going to do my best to be supportive of her dreams...and she's a very gifted architect...and um...I'm just thrilled that I met her! I love your daughter. The feelings I have for her are never going to change. And I'm here to stay.
Nina Oh, honey!
That's okay Mr. Banks, we don't have to hug.
Nina Well that was just a...that was just about the best thing I ever heard anybody say!
Good night. Good night, Mr. Banks.
Oh, you can call him George. Or Dad!
Okay. I'll say it next time I see you.
Drive carefully. And don't forget to fasten your condom.
Seat belt! I meant...I meant seat belt.
Nina Honey, I'm putting your father to bed. This has been a very big night for him.
Nina Wanna bet?
Nina. Annie's much too spirited for this kid. He's totally wrong for her. I give it two months, tops. One month.
Nina This is the right guy for Annie, George. I'm tellin' you, I feel it in my bones. I mean, we're two lucky parents, George.
Lucky? Oh! What about his laugh? It was such a give away. It was so phony with his "Ha! Ha! Ha! Hee! Hee! Hee!"
Nina I thought it was totally sincere.
Oh, please. What about that little rehearsed speech he gave that was right out of a book. "How to Grease Your Future Mother-In-Law."
Nina You're off here, George, really. I thought it was completely from his heart. Why do you think I cried?
Good question. I don't know why either of you cried. I'm losing my voice. Are my glands swollen?
Nina Let me see. No. No, honey. No.
And what about the way he kept touching her?
Nina What do you mean?
What do you mean, what do I mean? He couldn't keep his hands off of her.
Nina Oh, yes...kind of like when we were engaged, except that wasn't all you couldn't keep off me.
That was different. And we certainly never acted that way in your parent's house.
Nina Oh! You want me to name all the rooms we did it in at my parent's house?
That was different. We were like two imbeciles. This is our child we're talking about.
Nina Our child? Oh, George. You know, I still think you see Annie as a seven year-old girl in pigtails!
Well, you know? That just shows how you much you know about me because that is not at all how I see her. Right...a seven year-old with pigtails. I mean, here's the thing. We have no idea who this Brian really is.
Nina Oh?
And if that's his real name. I mean, who knows? You know, maybe he already has a wife. You read about these cases everyday. Men who have wives and families stashed all across the country. He could be a professional con artist who meets innocents abroad, and gives them this song and dance about being an independent...whatever that was...and then skips out after bilking them for all they're worth. What are you doing?
Nina I'm getting ready for bed.
Then I suppose that you're not interested that I believe I remember seeing someone who looked like Brian's twin on "America's Most Wanted"?
Nina You're right. I'm not. George? George, I thought he was great. I liked him a lot. And I'm really happy...George...Would you please stop making that face? And I'm very happy for Annie. And I'm excited for her. This is a big deal and I think that we should at least hug. This is great news. Oh! A wedding! Father of the Bride. Can you believe it?
I don't know why we have to have brunch with total strangers.
Nina Because their son is marrying our daughter and it's not an unusual custom meeting the in-laws.
You know, that's another thing. I hate that expression, "in-laws." What does it mean, anyway? We're legally bound to these people? I don't want to be "in-lawed." Especially to people who live in Bel-Air. I mean, what kind of people have brunch and live in Bel-Air?
Nina Rich people.
They probably live in the one shack in the middle of all these mansions.
Nina Nice mood, George.
What? I'm in a good mood.
Nina Okay, I think this is it. Yeah...Nice shack, babe.
Worse. It's the biggest house on the street. Now we're related to pretentious snobs. Just what we need.
The reason I'm asking all these questions is I have a great idea where we can have this lovely, not small, but not too big wedding.
Nina You do? Where?
At our favorite restaurant. The place we've been eating at for fifteen years. The best. The Steak Pit!
I don't think you want the word "Pit" on a wedding invitation, George.
Really, Dad. A rib joint with sawdust on the floor isn't exactly what I had in mind for my wedding. No offense.
Nina Why have you been acting so crazy since the moment Annie told you she was getting married?
I haven't been acting crazy. I've simply been acting like any normal, red-blooded, American dad.
Nina Normal? Uh-huh. Okay. Falling into the MacKenzie's pool. Suggesting The Steak Pit as a wedding reception. Oh, watching "America's Most Wanted" every night looking for Brian's face, and now this picnic scenario? George, a wedding is a big deal. Everybody seems to understand this but you.
[looking at a book of wedding cakes]
So this is a very popular cake with many of the fashionable weddings, you know? And this...I just don't do anymore. And this is fabulous.
Nina Oh. Oh, that is incredible! Annie, that's just like the one we saw in the magazine.
Well, what is that? Is that dollars? $1,200?
Well, Mr. Banks. This is a very reasonable price for a cake of this magnitude.
A cake, Franck, is made of flour and water. My first car didn't cost $1,200.
Well, welcome to the nineties, Mr. Banks!
[voiceover]
Not only did I not understand a syllable this guy was saying, now I had the feeling he was putting me down.
Two hundred and fifty dollars a head means that for the four of us to attend this wedding in our own home will cost one thousand dollars. Therefore, we are not getting up from this table until we cut this list down to the bare minimum. Now, invite as many people as you want to the church. Pack 'em in. Build a grandstand if you want, but we are not having more than one hundred and fifty people in this house on the day of the wedding. All right, let's start eliminating.
Nina Okay. Jim Pepper and wife.
Oh, great. Start with one of my guys.
Nina Fine! We'll start with one of mine. I'll cut Steve and Stephanie Turell. They're very good clients of mine...
Say no more, they're history.
Nina All right. Jim Pepper and wife.
I've known the guy for twenty years.
Nina You haven't seen him in fifteen, George.
All right. I'll say I lost his address. Now here's somebody. Your cousin Betsy. The poet/waitress/picture framer.
Nina We can't cut family. They know about the wedding.
I only invited one person: Cameron. Mom said I could have a friend there.
For two hundred and fifty bucks you can see Cameron after the wedding. All right, very good. Five down. We're rolling.
Nina All right, what about Harry Kirby? We haven't seen him in ages.
Didn't Harry Kirby die last year?
Yes! Good! Oh, well...sorry.
Nina He's coordinating the wedding and then we're not going to invite him?
Exactly! Do you think I'm going to pay a guy fifteen-percent, plus an hourly, plus an additional five hundred dollars to feed him and that assistant of his? Have you lost your mind?
Can I put Cameron back on the list if he promises not to eat?
You know, that's not a bad idea. Who else can we ask not to eat? My parents...your mother.
Why don't we just charge people? That way we can make money on the wedding! [storms out]
Nina Annie? Annie...
My first move was to get the old tuxedo out of mothballs. [loking in mirror] Hey, lookin' good, my man! Git down! Hey! [singing] What's new pussycat...whoa-a-whoa-whoa...What's new pussycat...whoa-a-whoa-whoa...
Nina George? Annie, he's up here!
Hey...Pussycat, pussycat, I love you...Indeed I do...Yes I do! Hey, what do you think? Bought it in '75 and it still fits.
Nina Yeah...it's just a...way to go. Maybe...maybe you could get a new tux. We're all wearing new clothes and...
What? Don't you think I look cute? I mean, there will be a lot of single gals there.
Nina Ah! I'm going to have to ask you not to talk or I'll have to call Officer whatshisname over there. You've been more than I can handle, George. Annie's wedding is not a conspiracy against you. It's just a wedding. People have them every day in every country in the world. I know it's going to be expensive. But, we don't go to Europe. We don't own fancy cars. I don't own expensive jewelry, so we can afford to have a big wedding.
Nina I'll get you out of here on one condition, Banks. That you'll agree to the following. Now repeat after me. "I, George Stanley Banks..."
I, George Stanley Banks...
Nina "...promise to pull it together and act my age."
...promise to pull it together and act my age.
Nina "I will stop hyperventilating, rolling my eyes, unbuttoning my top collar button..."
I don't unbutton my top collar...
Nina Oh, yeah? No...You mean, like this bit?
...stop hyperventilating, rolling my eyes, and unbuttoning my top collar button.
Nina "I will stop making faces in general and I will definitely stop telling everybody how much this wedding is costing."
I don't tell everyone how much it costs!
Nina He told you, right?
O Officer
Two hundred and fifty a head?
Nina "I will try to remember my daughter's feelings and how with every roll of my eyes, I am taking away a piece of her happiness."
Nina Just repeat the last part for me, George.
I will try to remember my daughter's feelings and how with every roll of my eyes, I am taking away a piece of her happiness.
Nina I love you, too. Let's go home.
