Evan
You're the prettiest girl this side of the Mississippi... you're so... unique.
Evan
Evan
The guy's either going to think "Here's another kid with a fake I.D." or "Here's McLovin...the 25 year old Hawaiian organ donor".
Evan
To women... To the respect, to people respecting women...
Scott Pilgrim
We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!
Matthew
Mr. Pilgrim! [lands on the stage] It is I... Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... begun! [leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott in slow-mo]
Scott
[voice slowed down]
What did I do? What do I do?
Wallace
[voice slowed down]
FIGHT!
Scott
[While fighting]
Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
Matthew
Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
Scott
I skimmed it.
Wallace
Tsk. [shakes his head] Mmm-mmm.
Matthew
You will pay for your insolence!
Nick
I never wash my pants. I like to keep the night on them.
Nick
You don't know what it's like to be straight, OK? It's... awful.
Nick
Well, you're two penises short of a Shania Twain reimagination band!
Robin/
Now I'm free, now I'm movin'. Come on, Batman, let's get groovin'!
Robin/
Hello, secret camera.
Robin/
Do I get a costume?
Nicholas "Nick" Twisp
I've got a Subway card with four stickers on it.
Nicholas "Nick" Twisp
****, ****, ****, ****! [Car runs out of gas] ****! ****!
Nicholas "Nick" Twisp
But, I like this place!
Juno
What about Katrina De Voort? You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
Paulie
No, I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup!
Juno
Your little girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.
Paulie
Katrina's not my girlfriend, all right? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye. That's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.
Juno
Wow your shorts are like, especially gold today.
Paulie
My mom uses color-safe bleach.
Juno
Go Carol.
Paulie
I'll tell her.
Frank
Nobody's gonna help us.
Brenda
Then, this is it.
Barry
At least we go out together.
Fat Man
[They all grab hands as they're ready to die] [yells as he gets hit by a ladle thrown by Lavash]
OW! What the...?
Lavash
You **** with them...
Sammy Bagel Jr.
You **** with us, bitch! [Lavash keeps throwing ladles at the fat man.] Run, guys! We're out of ladles.
Gum
Hop on, y'all.
Douche
[sees Frank]
Oh, so now you're gonna come at me, bro?
Frank
Oh, I'm coming at you! [prepares to punch him. But Darren tries to grabs Frank]
Douche
Okay, we got him. Easy now, easy now.
Darren
It's hard when your head's up my ass and you're yanking on the scrote!
Douche
Look, sausage, I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup to me! [Relish, Mustard and Ketchup whimper in the corner in sheer terror] Yeah, that's right. Shut your mouths. [laughs madly] I sucked a juice box's dick, and I'm shoved up a god's asshole, and this is the weirdest thing that I've done so far, bro!
Brenda
[Douche eats a chunk out of Frank's torso, making him to scream in pain]
Oh, my God! Frank!
Douche
I'll tell you who eats shit! Gods do, bro! I'M A **** GOD!
Darren
[last words before his death]
Goodbye, little sausage. [Aims his revolver at Frank, preparing to shoot him]
Brenda
Oh, Frank!
Teresa
Hey, bun. Need a boost?
Frank
[Darren tries to shoot Frank]
Ah, help me!
Gum
Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
Gum
[Gum moves toward Darren as he then shoots at Gum, which blasts a hole in his head and seemingly kills him. The wound then regenerates, similar to the T-1000 from Terminator 2]
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.
Douche
[Cut to Barry, who is standing on a makeshift cart that is being powered by propane tanks but is held in place. Barry then gives the signal for two bags of flour to drop down to release the cart from its position and it accelerates towards Darren as Douche and Frank then see it approaching]
****! [Frank kicks Douche's eyes with his feet and he jumps]
Douche
[Brenda is able to swing him to safety onto the 4th of July sale shelf. Darren sees Barry on the cart that is currently speeding towards him as he fires at Barry, who dodges the bullet, Matrix style. The cart hits Darren, which traps him inside the trash can] [last words before his death]
What's happening out there?!
Barry
Now! [Various foods set up a bunch of boards in a curved direction to turn the cart onto a designated path]
Coconut Milk
So long, asshole! [The cart then passes by Sammy Bagel Jr. and Kareem Abdul Lavash, who are holding matches to ignite the propane tanks, which causes the cart to then blast off as a couple of food items then set up a ramp, which sends the cart flying through the roof of Shopwell's and into the sky. There, the propane tanks detonate into fireworks, which kills Darren and Douche, causing blood to drop from the sky. The foods in the store cheer after witnessing the death of Darren and Douche. An eyeball lands in the peanut aisle.]
Peanut
[While holding one of Darren's eyeballs in victory]
Yeah!
Barry
It's over. We won. WE **** WON! [laughs triumphantly]
Tampon
[all the food in the store cheer in triumph]
Ew. [as she steps into a drop of Darren's blood, causing her to bulk up due to absorbing a lot of the blood, and roars victoriously]
Frank
We did it.
Brenda
We did. So... So, what do we do now?
Frank
Whatever we want. [Chuckles] What do you want?
Brenda
Let's just say, what I want involves much more than: [In a singing voice.] just the tips, just the tips, what I want is much more than just the tips... [Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen plays]
Brenda
Oh! Oh, Frank!
Sammy
[Teresa, Sammy, and Vash watch as Frank and Brenda get it on. Teresa is getting turned on as Sammy struggles on how to view the scene unfolding on front of him]
You know, I'm very conflicted about how I'm supposed to feel watching this.
Vash
Then don't just watch. [Pulls Sammy in for a kiss but Sammy pushes away confused]
Sammy
Wait a second. What are you doing?
Vash
I was just told... that I am getting zero bottles of extra-virgin olive oil for eternity!
Brenda
Oh, Frank!
Vash
So, maybe, you know... [It's Your Thing by the The Isley Brothers plays in the background]
Sammy
Kiss me hard on the mouth, why don't you?
Vash
You wanna kiss me, mother****er? Let me tell you a little secret. I'm going to **** the **** out of you.
Brenda
[Both kiss]
Kiss it, Frank. Kiss me there! [Both orgasm as Frank finally slides up inside Brenda] Oh, yeah, Frank, that's it. Oh, yeah, it's dinnertime.
Frank
Yo. I'm actually over here jerking off with these fellas.
Teresa
[Brenda turns to see Frank, Vash, and Sammy masturbating in a jerk circle. Brenda then gasps as she sees Teresa spreading open her legs]
Once you go taco, you never go "back-o!" [Teresa proceeds to eat out Brenda]
Mr. Grits
[Brenda screams in pleasure as Frank, Vash, and Sammy furiously masturbate to the both of them going at it. Meanwhile, the Non-Perishables and a group of other food items are witnessing the scene from afar]
Jesus **** Christ!
Firewater
Hey, fellas. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Twinks
Pretty **** sure I am. [Grabs Grits' arm and swings him around until Grits is now between Firewater and himself]
Mr Grits
Oh, shit. Now it's on.
Meat Loaf
[All of the food in the store begin to engage in a full-on orgy.] [Two liquor bottle flash him.]
Yeah! [The bottles proceed to jump on him]
Squash
Oh!
Barry
Excuse me. Excuse me. Can I get by?
Barry
[Notices Sally Bun (she is smushed) in the distance, knowing that he found his mate.]
Oh, wow. [Walks over to her.] Yeah, I just came over here. I couldn't help but notice... you're a little smushed or something. You have a kind of abnormality. Did you get...? Somebody sit on you?
Sally
Yeah. I got smushed.
Barry
You know, I love the way your face just kind of gives up halfway down.
Mr. Grits
[Sally then excitedly pulls Barry into a kiss, then onto the floor.]
Yeah, cracker! [Grabs a box of crackers and violently humps it as his revenge against the crackers.] Take that Grit dick, bitch! You like Grits in your ass, cracker?
Gum
[As three female gum strips each give him a lap dance.]
Say my name! It's Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol...
Frank
[As Brenda chokes him.]
I can't breathe! Stop it!
Sammy
What's the safety word? Molasses. Molasses.
Brenda
[As Frank is pulling a chain from her butt.]
Oh, yeah. **** you!
Vash
[Teresa ties Frank to the front of her (like a strap-on) and then pushes Frank through the back of Sammy's mouth, then through half of Brenda's body, until ending at Vash's groin; as they all begin thrust while in a daisy chain formation.]
Yeah. That is all right.
Sammy
[Grabs Vash's testicles and rubs them in his own face]
Want me to be the Hamburglar? Robble robble! Robble robble!
Barry
I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my **** load. Good God.
Sammy
Oh.
Frank
[Exclaims]
Brenda
Oh!
Teresa
Oh, ****!
Frank, Brenda, Teresa, Lavash and Sammy
[Sammy then punches Vash in the gut and then suddenly, a quick montage of the orgy is shown and the food reach their final orgasms all together.]
Oooooh!
Lavash
My dick is drained.
high priest
rub me with oil
oh
with my hands?
high priest
no with your nutsack, of course with your hands.
Oh
[from trailer] [a hunter knocks a bowl of berries out of Oh's hand]
Well, there won't be any berries in the fruit salad now. So we all lose.
Zed
[from trailer] [pointing to wheels]
What are these big, round things for?
Cain
They're wheels, numbskull. They make the cart roll.
Oh
[Zed and Oh are riding on the cart, with their arms in the air]
I feel like a bird!
Allan
Not one person would care if Allan was in the Real World. In fact, it's happened before. All of *NSYNC, Allan. Yes, even him.
President Barbie
Mister Mattel, I just...
Mattel CEO
Please. Call me Mother.
President Barbie
No, thank you. I don't think that things should go back to the way that they were. No Barbie or Ken should be living in the shadows.
Allan
Or Allan.
Allan
[appeared in the backseat of the Barbie car, out of nowhere]
TURN THIS SONG OFF, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!
Sasha
[Sasha, Gloria and Allan screaming, tires screeching, song distorting]
Who are you?
Allan
I'm Allan.
Gloria
Oh, you are Allan. That's great!
Allan
Don't tell the Kens. I'm trying to escape. I cannot sit on one more leather couch. It's gonna break my spirit. As soon as they figure out how to build that wall sideways and not just up, no one is gonna be able to get in or out. So if we want to leave, we better make a run for it.
Gloria
No, Allan. You can't go. Having a Barbie in the Real World is what caused all these problems in the first place.
Allan
Not one person would care if Allan was in the Real World. In fact, it's happened before. All of *NSYNC, Allan. Yes, even him. So come on!
Worker Ken
Hey, you there.
Gloria
What do we do?
Allan
Just get in the car and keep it singing. Hey, man. Be ready for anything.
Worker Ken
Who are you?
Allan
I'm Allan. I'm, uh, I'm Ken's buddy. Yeah, all of his clothes fit me! [punches the Worker Ken and punches another one]