Juno MacGuff Silencio, old man. Look, I drank my weight in Sunny D and I gotta go pronto.
Played by Elliot Page 
Juno (2007) · 99 quotes
Juno (2007) · 99 quotes
Most-quoted character in Juno (2007): in 72 of its 99 quotes
Most scenes with: Leah (12), Bren MacGuff (9), Paulie (9)
The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children’s librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up. They just won’t admit it because they’re supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah, who, incidentally, is into teachers.
More lines from Juno MacGuff
28 quotes Juno MacGuff Juno MacGuff Hold on — I'm on my hamburger phone.
Juno MacGuff I'm going to go to Women Now, because they help women now.
Juno MacGuff It started with a chair.
Juno MacGuff It ended with a chair.
Juno MacGuff When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All I see are pork swords.
Juno MacGuff I think I'm just going to nip it in the bud, you know, before it gets worse. 'Cause you know, they say pregnancy can often lead to, you know — an infant.
Juno MacGuff Hi, I'm calling to procure a hasty abortion...
Juno MacGuff I don't know, I just wanted something a little more edgier. I was thinking more like graphic designer, mid-thirties, you know? With a cool Asian girlfriend, who, like dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.
Juno MacGuff Bleeker is actually great in...in chair.
Juno MacGuff My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average H-VAC specialist. He and my mom got divorced when I was five and now she lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona with her new husband and three replacement kids. Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly, this cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."
Juno MacGuff That's my stepmom, Bren. She's completely obsessed with dogs, owns a nail salon, and always smells like methyl methacrylate.
Juno MacGuff You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.
Juno MacGuff Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.
Juno MacGuff You should try talking to it. 'Cause, like, supposedly they can hear you even though it's all, like, ten thousand leagues under the sea.
Juno MacGuff As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni.
Juno MacGuff My axe is named Roosevelt. After Franklin, not Ted. Franklin was the hot one with the polio.
Juno MacGuff Yeah, you just take Soupy Sales to prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? 'Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you!
Juno MacGuff I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.
Juno MacGuff Yes, hello? I need to procure a hasty abortion?... What was that? I’m sorry, I’m on my hamburger phone. It’s kind of awkward to talk on. It’s really more of a novelty than a functional appliance.
Juno MacGuff My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy, you know? I can't stand in front of the microwave, and no red M&Ms. I hope you're ready.
Juno MacGuff [to a barking dog]
Jeez, Bananas, shut your freakin' gob, OK?
Juno MacGuff This is the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen.
Juno MacGuff WOAH, dream big!
Juno MacGuff Bren, use a dick! I love it!
Juno MacGuff Get a whiff of those sparkling topnotes!
Juno MacGuff What is with you rich people and your herb-infused juices?
Juno MacGuff Excuse me? I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.
Scenes with Juno MacGuff
43 scenes
I've wanted this for a really long time.
Juno I know.
Wizard...
Rollo Well fertile Myrtle, what's the prognosis? Minus or plus?
Juno [taking a pregnancy test]
I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. [grabs some candy] I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
Rollo [as Juno shakes the test like a thermometer]
That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.
Yo yo yiggidy yo.
Juno I'm a suicide risk.
Juno?
Juno No, it's Morgan Freeman, do you have any bones that need collecting?
Only the one in my pants, haha.
Juno I'm pregnant.
What? Honest to blog? Maybe it's a food baby, did you have a big lunch?
Juno This is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing!
Juno I don't know, I drank like ten tons of Sunny D! I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.
Is this for real? Like for real, for real?
Juno Yes.
Oh my GOD! Oh SHIT! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
Juno Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you. I know it wasn’t your idea.
Whose idea was it?
Juno I'll see you at school, okay? [mounts her bicycle and rides off]
I'm having a little trouble concentrating.
Juno Oh, well, I could sell you some of my Aderall, if you want.
No thanks, I'm off pills.
Juno That's a wise choice because I knew this girl who, like, had this crazy freak out because she took too many behavioral meds at once and she like ripped off her clothes, and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and was like, "Blagh! I am a Kraken from the sea!"
I heard that was you.
Juno [after an awkward pause]
So, it was good seeing you, Su-Chin.
Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno I'm pregnant.
Oh, God.
Juno But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
You're pregnant?
Juno I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno I, uh...
Who is the kid?
Juno The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Nails, really?
Juno Yeah!
No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Juno What?
I didn't think he had it in him!
I know, right?
So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
Juno Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved an entire living room set from one lawn to another, or the one where I drank a 64-ounce blue Slushee in ten minutes?
Juno, did you by any chance barf in my urn? Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door that I got up in Stillwater? I found some blue shit... [looks at Liberty Bell] Gunk. Stuff. In my urn.
Juno I would never barf in your urn, Bren. Maybe LB did it.
Juno Wow your shorts are like, especially gold today.
My mom uses color-safe bleach.
Juno Go Carol.
I'll tell her.
Juno So guess what.
Juno I'm pregnant.
Punk Receptionist Free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.
Punk Receptionist My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.
Juno I could like, have this baby and give it to someone who like totally needs it.
You should look in the PennySaver.
Juno They have ads for parents?
Yeah! '"Desperately Seeking Spawn."
All right, how about this one? "Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love."
Juno Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches!
And this, of course, is Juno.
Like the city in Alaska.
Juno No.
No? [pause] Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice or...
Juno I'll have a Maker's Mark. Up.
She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.
Juno Oh, wicked pic in the PennySaver, by the way. Super classy — not like those people with the fake woods in the background. Honestly, who do they think they're fooling?
You found us in the PennySaver?
Juno Can't we just like kick this old school? You know, like I stick the baby in a basket, send it your way, like Moses and the reeds?
Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Gerta Rauss ...So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?
Juno SSSHHIT! YES! Close it up!
You think you're really going to do this?
Juno Yeah, I like you guys. If I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.
Juno Hey, I am a sacred vessel; all you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.
[to an ultrasound technician]
Why don't you go back to night school in Manteno and learn a real trade?
Juno Bren, you's a dick! I love it!
Juno So have you and Vanessa thought of a name for the baby yet?
Well, sort of. Vanessa likes Madison for a girl.
Juno [aghast]
Madison? Isn't that kind of... I don't know, gay?
Juno My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
Zeus' wife?
Juno Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful but really mean...kind of like Diana Ross.
Vanessa gave me my own room for all my stuff.
Juno She gave you your own room in...in your whole house? For your...for your stuff? Wow, she's got you on a long leash, Mark.
Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno Nah, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
Juno Listen, Bren-duhhh, you're acting like you're the one who has to go through this and get huge and shove a baby out of your vag for someone else. What does it even matter if Mark's married? I can have friends that are married.
It doesn't work that way, kiddo. You don't know squat about the dynamics of marriage.
Juno You don't know anything about me!
I know enough.
I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno, and when you move out I'm getting Weimaraners!
Juno Whoa, dream big!
Oh, go fly a kite!
I still have your underwear.
Juno I still have your virginity.
What's wrong? Why are you crying?
Juno I'm not crying. I'm just allergic to fine home furnishing.
Juno [yelling through the house]
Uh, dad?
Yeah?
Juno Either I just peed my pants... or...
Juno Or... THUNDERCATS ARE GO!
Juno What about Katrina De Voort? You could totally go out with Katrina De Voort.
No, I don't like Katrina. She smells like soup. Have you ever smelled her? I mean, her whole house smells like soup!
Juno He said her house smells like soup.
Oh my god it does! I was there like four years ago for her birthday party. It's like Lipton landing!
Juno Your little girlfriend gave me the stinkeye in art class yesterday.
Katrina's not my girlfriend, all right? And I doubt she gave you the stinkeye. That's just how her face looks, you know? That's just her face.
Juno Ow, ow, ****ity-ow! Bren, when do I get that spinal tap thing?
It's called a spinal block, and you can't have it yet, honey. The doctor said you're not dilated enough.
Juno You mean I have to wait for it to get worse! Why can't they just give it to me now?
: Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream.
Juno I think I'm in love with you.
You mean as friends?
Juno No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met — and you don't even have to try, you know...
I try really hard, actually.
Juno Yeah. [kisses him]
Receptionist
Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends. Please put your hands where I can see them and surrender any bombs.
Juno Hey, I'm here for the big show?
Receptionist
Your name, please.
Juno Juno MacGuff.
Juno [The receptionist gives her a look] [Voiceover: She thinks I'm using a fake name like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa]
Receptionist
I need you to fill these out, both sides. And don't skip the hairy details. We need to know about every score and every sore. Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno No, thank you. I'm off sex.
Receptionist
My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse. They make his junk smell like pie.
Juno ... [awkwardly walks away]
Dude, what are you doing here!? I'm supposed to come get you at 4.
Juno [pacing]
I couldn't do it, Leah! It smelled like a dentist office in there, and there were these horrible magazines with water stains. And then the friggin' receptionist is trying to give me these condoms that look like grape suckers, and just babbling away about her friggin' boyfriend's pie balls.
Yum!
Juno And Su-Chin was there, and she was like, "Oh hi! Babies have fingernails." Fingernails!
That's gruesome. You think the baby can scratch your vag on the way out?
Juno So, I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out...
Hon, did you get expelled?
Juno No. The school would most likely contact you in the event of my expulsion.
Well, I was just asking; it seemed plausible enough, given your record of generally being the worst human in existence.
What do you need, a large amount of money? Legal council? Need to pay off a Mexican drug lord?
Juno No, I'm not asking for anything... except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.
Well, what have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa?
Juno ...I'm pregnant.
Oh, God.
Juno But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple. They're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks, we can just pretend that this never happened.
You're pregnant?
Juno I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it's any consolation, I have heartburn that's radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno I, uh...
Who is the kid?
Juno The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Nails, really?
Juno Yeah!
No, I know. I mean, who's the father, Juno?
Juno Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Juno What?
I didn't think he had it in him!
I know, right?
All right, this is no laughing matter.
Juno No, it's not... and, you know, Paulie is actually great... in, uh... in chair.
Juno I was thinking I could, like, have this baby and give it to someone that like totally needs it; like a woman with a bum ovary or a couple of nice lesbos.
But then you're gonna get, like, huge, and your chest is gonna "milktate," and you're gonna have to, like, tell people that you're pregnant.
Juno Yeah, but maybe they'll, like, canonize me for being so selfless.
Or maybe they'll, like, totally shit and be really, really mad and not let you graduate or go to Cabo for Spring Break.
Juno I was gonna go to Gettysburg with Bleeker, anyway.
You should look at adoption ads. I see them all the time in the PennySaver.
Juno They have ads for parents?
Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn." Right next to, like, terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment and stuff. It's, like, totally legit.
Ultrasound Technician Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Yes!
Juno No!
Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me, I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician Oh, well, thank goodness for that.
Ultrasound Technician (uncomfortably)
I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here, and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Or, like, stage parents.
They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician I guess not.
What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician Excuse me?
Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade?
Juno (Ultrasound technician awkwardly leaves)
Bren! You’s a dick! I love it!
Juno We don't even have a dog!
No, because you're allergic to their saliva. I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno. But in a couple years, when you move out, I'm going to get Weimaraners.
Juno WHOA, DREAM BIG!
Oh, go fly a kite!
Juno [pulls away from him]
What?!
I'm getting a place in the city. I've got it all planned. This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time.
Juno No!
No?
Juno No! You definitely... can't do that. That's one big, fat sack of no!
What is the matter?
Juno I mean, [touching her belly] you guys are supposed to take care of this, ya know?!
I thought you'd be cool with this.
Juno Cool!? I want things to be perfect! I don't want them to be shitty and broken like everyone else's family.
...
Juno Look, I'll have the baby and Vanessa's gonna be so happy. You just-
A baby's not gonna fix everything, I don't even know if I'm ready to be a father.
Juno But you're old!
Juno ...I-I just like being a piece of furniture in your weird life.
This. This is what my life has become. I mean, ya know, I got stuff in boxes. I'm, I'm underground. That's appealing to you?
Juno This is my fault.
No.
Juno Is Vanessa, like, mad at you because of me or something?
It's got nothing to do with it. Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.
Juno [getting emotional]
Well, you were in love when you married her! And if you're in love once, you can be in love again like my friend Leah, who's been with the same guy, like, four different times. You're just not trying hard enough!
I'm such an idiot. I can't believe what an idiot I am.
Juno No, you know what, Mark? Do not divorce your wife. Will you please just do me a solid and stay with Vanessa?
...You're so young.
Juno I'm not that young, okay? I'm sixteen! Alright, I'm old enough to know when someone's acting like a total a-hole. [turns to leave] Oh, and you know what? I bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucks! It's just noise! [storms out]
Juno I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever.
It's not easy, that's for sure. I don't have the best track record in the world, I know, but I've been with your stepmother for ten years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy. Look... In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person worth sticking with.
Juno [thinking of Paulie]
Yeah... I think I've found that person.
Sure, you have. Your old D-A-D!
Juno I think I'm in love with you.
You mean as friends?
Juno No, I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met — and you don't even have to try, you know...
I try really hard, actually.
Juno You're, like, naturally smart and you're not like everyone else. You don't stare at my stomach all the time, you look at my face and every time I see you, the baby starts kicking super hard.
It does?
Juno I think it's 'cause my heart starts pounding every time I see you.
Mine too.
Juno That's all I could ask for. You're gold, man.
Juno Yeah. [kisses him]
(seeing them)
Hey, you know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!
[Juno, still kissing Paulie, gives Leah the finger]
