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Juno MacGuff quotes

Silencio, old man. Look, I drank my weight in Sunny D and I gotta go pronto.

Hold on — I'm on my hamburger phone.

I'm going to go to Women Now, because they help women now.

It started with a chair.

It ended with a chair.

When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All I see are pork swords.

I think I'm just going to nip it in the bud, you know, before it gets worse. 'Cause you know, they say pregnancy can often lead to, you know — an infant.

Hi, I'm calling to procure a hasty abortion...

I don't know, I just wanted something a little more edgier. I was thinking more like graphic designer, mid-thirties, you know? With a cool Asian girlfriend, who, like dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.

Bleeker is actually great chair.

My dad used to be in the Army, but now he's just your average H-VAC specialist. He and my mom got divorced when I was five and now she lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona with her new husband and three replacement kids. Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap, Coyote Ugly, this cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."

That's my stepmom, Bren. She's completely obsessed with dogs, owns a nail salon, and always smells like methyl methacrylate.

You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.

Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.

You should try talking to it. 'Cause, like, supposedly they can hear you even though it's all, like, ten thousand leagues under the sea.

As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni.

My axe is named Roosevelt. After Franklin, not Ted. Franklin was the hot one with the polio.

Yeah, you just take Soupy Sales to prom. I can think of so many cooler things to do that night. Like, you know what Bleek? I might pumice my feet, uh, I might go to Bren's dumb Unitarian Church, maybe get hit by a truck full of hot garbage juice, you know? 'Cause all those things would be exponentially cooler than going to prom with you!

I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.

The funny thing is that Steve Rendazo secretly wants me. Jocks like him always want freaky girls. Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who play the cello and wear Converse All-Stars and want to be children’s librarians when they grow up. Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up. They just won’t admit it because they’re supposed to be into perfect cheerleaders like Leah, who, incidentally, is into teachers.

Yes, hello? I need to procure a hasty abortion?... What was that? I’m sorry, I’m on my hamburger phone. It’s kind of awkward to talk on. It’s really more of a novelty than a functional appliance.

My stepmom, Bren, makes me eat super healthy, you know? I can't stand in front of the microwave, and no red M&Ms. I hope you're ready.

[to a barking dog] Jeez, Bananas, shut your freakin' gob, OK?

This is the most magnificent discarded living room set I've ever seen.

WOAH, dream big!

Bren, use a dick! I love it!

Get a whiff of those sparkling topnotes!

What is with you rich people and your herb-infused juices?

Excuse me? I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

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