Evan It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff and I have to hide like every erection I get.
Played by Michael Cera 
Superbad (2007) · 129 quotes
Superbad (2007) · 129 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Superbad (2007): in 34 of its 129 quotes
Most scenes with: Seth (14), Officer Michaels (8), Becca (2)
You're the prettiest girl this side of the Mississippi... you're so... unique.
More lines from Evan
17 quotes Evan Evan I mean just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff and just like wanted to see them. I mean, you know, that's the world I one day want to live in.
Evan The guy's either going to think "Here's another kid with a fake I.D." or "Here's McLovin...the 25 year old Hawaiian organ donor".
Evan Holy shit they busted Fogell...
Evan Samesies.
Evan Take off your vest, you look like Aladdin.
Evan Yeah well, at least you got to suck your dad's dick.
Evan Should I run?
Evan Dicks.. like a man dick?
Evan Wow that's really messed up. Super-gay.
Evan One name? What are you trying to be, an Irish R&B singer? Who are you? Seal?
Evan You hit Becca's foot with your dick?
Evan Ok calm down... calm down she likes you... she wants to suck on your penis... that's a good thing... It's the best...
Evan To women... To the respect, to people respecting women...
Evan Why am I even playing this if I can't beat it?
Evan Hey. I'm not a piece of meat.
Evan To respecting women!
Scenes with Evan
16 scenes
You have such a smooth ****!
Evan Yeah, you would too... if you were a man.
Mmmm, I'm so wet!
Evan Yeah... they told us that would happen in health class...
Evan Look at those nipples...
They look like little baby toes.
Evan It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Y'know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome! I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
[referring to Evan's mother]
I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan [His partner is tying on his apron]
Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a ****in' break!...I'm sorry for cursing.
Teacher [Teacher is in disbelief of Seth's speech]
All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.
Evan I still think you have a chance with Jules man. Really I mean she got incredibly hot over the summer and she obviously hasn't realized it yet cause she's still always talking to you and flirting with you and stuff.
Are you out of your mind! Look at Jules' dating record ok. She dated Dan Remick who's had a 6 pack since like kindergarten, Jason Stone who looks like **** Zack Morris, and Matt Muir, Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy ever! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.
Evan I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff, y'know? I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar I want a little production value, y'know like some editing, transition, something, some music...
Yeah well y'know, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen Brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get a hold of, okay?
Evan I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan She had back problems, man. Anyway, it's like they made them better. They're more... symmetrical, supple, firm.
Alright, I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.
Evan Look at those nipples.
They're like little baby toes.
Evan It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.
You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
You know it's been like two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?
Evan Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?
Yeah.
Evan I guess so, but she was insanely hot.
Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!
Evan How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her. You got like two dozen handjobs.
Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.
Evan [smirks]
You're like Orson Welles.
Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!
Evan [talking about porn sites]
You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean, that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site.
Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN, which is a huge concern.
Evan Right, I didn't realize that.
Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Evan No.
Gym Teacher Seth, get off the field!
Evan Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.
Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid **** friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to **** me, she wants my dick... [Catches breath] in and around her mouth.
Evan Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?
Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to ****, man. P and Vagi, she wants to ****, man! Tonight is a night that **** is an actual possibility.
Evan You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.
No...dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks handjob, month blowjob, whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.
You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.
Evan I should buy Becca alcohol?
Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like, "Ahh, I was so shitfaced last night! I shouldn't have **** that guy!" We could be that mistake!
Evan Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school?
No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since 'Nam!
Evan Do you want to get killed for liquor?
No, but I would get killed for pussy. No questions asked!
[Seth and Evan just escaped from a fight at a party.]
:
You **** prick!
Evan What?
You bailed on me.
Evan I didn't bail on you.
Yeah, you did. You said you were gonna do something, and you didn't do it. That's "bailing"!
Evan You're the one that drive me to that **** party with those lunatics, man! I didn't bail on you!
You BAILED on me! Okay?! You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year!
Evan The fu— [scoffs] It finally comes out. That's good, man.
We were supposed to go to college together, Evan. Since we were little kids, since elementary school, that's all we ever talked about was US going to college together, and you got into **** DARTMOUTH!
Evan You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy! Like, w-what am I, uh...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school!
How the **** am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You KNEW I couldn't get into Dartmouth—
Evan How **** selfish are you?! You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back there. You obviously don't want me going to a good school.
****, man!
Evan So what the **** do you want?! I'm not gonna let you slow me down anymore, Seth!
Evan I've wasted the last three years of my life sitting around talking BULLSHIT with you, man! Instead of chasing girls and making friends, I've just sat around wasting all my time with you! And now because of you, I'm going to college a **** friendless virgin!
Is this about Becca? Is this about some girl, man?
Evan I like her!
Who gives a ****? She's a **** girl! What, are you gonna go out with her for two years? What about after that?
Evan **** you, man! You're a piece of shit.
**** you! And next time you're pissed off about something, don't keep it inside for ten years! Say it like a **** man! [punches Evan]
Evan Don't touch me.
**** you!
