Seth, get off the field!

Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.

Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid **** friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to **** me, she wants my dick... [Catches breath] in and around her mouth.

Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?

Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to ****, man. P and Vagi, she wants to ****, man! Tonight is a night that **** is an actual possibility.

You just sound like an idiot. You're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.

No...dude, I don't want to talk a lot of shit, okay? But she's gonna be at the party, and she's gonna be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her, two weeks handjob, month blowjob, whatever, whatever. And then I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around, I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.