Clark Griswold [the kids are playing Pacman while Clark is designing a map on the computer]
Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.
Most-quoted character in National Lampoon's Vacation (1983): in 53 of its 76 quotes
Most scenes with: Ellen (17), Rusty (9), Cousin Eddie (7)
I think you're all **** in the head! We're ten hours from **** fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation, it's a quest. It's a quest for fun, I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun, we're all gonna have so much **** fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Oh, shit!
More lines from Clark Griswold
9 quotes Clark Griswold Clark Griswold Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.
Clark Griswold Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?
Clark Griswold Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?
Clark Griswold I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?
Clark Griswold I'm making out a check for $1000, all you have to do is give me $300 in cash and keep the $700, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
Clark Griswold When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.
Clark Griswold We watch his program. We buy his toys, we go to his movies, he owes us! Doesn't he owe us, ha? He owes the Griswalds right? ****-A right he owes us!
Clark Griswold Ahhh! I'd like to propose a toast, if I may? Here's to...a very restful vacation. Here's to...a very relaxing vacation. A renewed love affair. And...a time of joy with our babies.
Scenes with Clark Griswold
43 scenes Clark Ed, this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Car Salesman You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Car Salesman Wait a minute, I'll get to the bottom of this, we'll find your car. Davenport!
Davenport Yes, Mr. Ed.
Car Salesman Where is Mr. Griswold's Sports Wagon?
Davenport I don't know sir.
Car Salesman I know what must have happened. It didn't come in. Now I can get you the Sports Wagon; the only problem is that it may take six weeks. I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster is the way to go. You think you hate it now, but just wait until you drive it.
Clark Ed, I'm not your average fool. Now I want my super sports wagon now, or I'm gonna take my business elsewhere!
Car Salesman Davenport! Get Mr. Griswald's car and bring it back here!
[the car is in the process of being smashed. It returns flat, and Clark tries to squat and open the door]
Clark Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp
**** yo mama!
Clark Thank you very much.
Clark Could I do your back, honey?
I've already done my back.
Clark Could I do your front?
Go do your own front.
Clark We're from out of town.
Man Giving Directions No shit.
That was a crummy Wyatt Earp dad. He was wearing jogging shoes.
Clark They used to Rusty.
[after the bartender shoots at Clark]
Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
Clark C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
What?
Clark I said didn't you think it was real?
What?
Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Clark Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.
Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
Hey Clark, you look like you could use a cold one.
Clark Now you're talking!
[Eddie hands Clark his opened beer he'd been drinking, gets a fresh one for himself]
Clark So, this is the old homestead, eh?
Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The banks been after me like flies on a rib roast.
How do you like yours, Clark?
Clark Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
No, I mean your bun.
I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
Clark [looking at raw tomato paste]
Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Oh, nothing but the best!
Edna! Helper's on!
Clark [to Ellen]
Is that your Aunt Edna?
[Ellen slinks away from the table]
You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark Clark.
I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark [pulling some 20s out of his wallet]
Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
About fifty-two thousand dollars.
[Clark quickly begins putting the money back in his wallet]
Clark, Dinkins needs a long walk and a bath.
Clark Rusty take care of Dinkins.
Dad he bites.
Clark Bite him back.
Clark Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?
No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.
Motorcycle Cop [sternly]
Do you know what the penalty is, in this state, for cruelty to animals?
Clark No, officer, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop [hesitatingly]
Well, it's probably pretty stiff!
Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.
Clark Nothing to be proud of Russ... [pauses as Rusty walks away] 50 yards...
Clark Russ, it's really great that I can spend time with you and... uh... uh... uh...
Audrey, Dad.
Clark [In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two men on horses watch him]
We passed a God damn gas station every 10 yards for 1000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
Cowboy What an asshole.
Mechanic 2
Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.
Clark Yeah, well, we're from out of town. How much do I owe you?
Mechanic 1 How much you got?
Clark No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
Mechanic 1 I'm asking how much you got!
Clark You're out of your mind. Look, I don't have time to fool around so how much is it?
Mechanic 1 [waving a wrench]
All of it, boy!
Clark What does the sheriff think of your business practice?
[Mechanic 1 laughs and shows Clark his sheriff's badge]
I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.
Clark, watch your language!
Clark Make that the second biggest.
[looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat]
She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do Clark?
Clark Well, I guess we could leave her here and maybe the first phone we pass, we could call Cousin Normie and he could come and get her I guess.
That is the meanest, coldest...
Clark Well, what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Yeah, come on. It'll be real easy for Normie to find Aunt Edna. All he has to do is look for the buzzards.
Clark [talking about Aunt Edna]
She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Yes, he can!
Clark You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
[thunder rumbles]
Don't just blurt it out to Normie about Edna dying.
Clark How about I ask him to play 20 Questions?
Clark [Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]
Oh, for Christ sakes he isn't home.
Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
Clark The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.
Normie's always been flakey.
Clark He's always been a jag-off.
Watch your mouth!
Clark Would you prefer I slip her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?
Clark I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Oh spare me, Clark, I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
Clark [Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna]
O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.
Clark...
Clark [ignoring her]
Baruuuuuuch Ataaaaaaah Aluuuuuuuyah...
Clark, this is a serious matter, I'll do it myself!
Clark Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.
We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
Clark No, it isn't.
That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
It's a BB gun!
Clark Don't tempt me. I could poke an eye out with this thing.
You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
Has your father ever killed anyone?
Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark Hey you can't prove that Russ.
Clark Roy; can I call you Roy? Have you even driven your whole family cross-country?
Oh, hell yes. Once I drove all of them to Florida. The smell coming out of the back seat was terrible.
Clark I know that smell, Roy; but what if you had driven all that way and Florida was closed?
Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.
...
Clark I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
No.
[Clark, Rusty, and Ed the car salesman are looking over the Wagon Queen Family Truckster]
Dad, this is not the car you ordered.
Clark Take it easy, Russ. See, Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the, uh, Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and the optional rally fun pack.
Ed
You didn't order the, uh, Metallic Pea?
Clark Metallic Pea? No, Antarctic Blue! The Sports Wagon! This isn't even the right model!
Ed
You know, I think you're right. I don't think this is the car. This is the new Wagon Queen Family Truckster. This is a... this is a damn fine automobile, if you want my honest opinion. Beats the hell out of the Sports Wagon, but... I want to make you happy, huh? Davenport! [to Clark] I'll get to the bottom of this.
Davenport Yes, Mr. Ed.
Ed
Mr. Griswold ordered a blue Sports Wagon. Where is it?
Davenport I don't know, sir. [walks away]
Ed
I know what must have happened. It didn't come in.
Clark Ed, I'm not your ordinary everyday fool, okay? Now I'd like my Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon right now, and if you can't get it for me, I'm gonna take my business elsewhere. Where's my old car?
Ed
[unbeknownst to him, the car is being crushed]
I'm just as upset as you are, believe me. Davenport! Get Mr. Griswold's car back and bring it back here! [to Clark] I can get you the wagon, there's no problem there. The problem is, it might take six weeks. Now, I owe it to myself to tell you, Mr. Griswold, that if you're thinking of taking the tribe cross-country, this is the automobile you should be using, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, but wait 'til you drive it.
Clark I don't want to drive it. I just want my old car back, okay? I'm not falling for this bit. No way. Let's go, Russ.
[the car is returned, flattened, and Clark tries to open the door]
You know, Clark, it's not too late to fly out to California. We only have two weeks.
Clark Let's not get into that again, sweetie pie. Please?
Lots of families fly, Clark. Especially cross-country.
Clark The idea of a family vacation is to be together as a family. On a plane, you put on earphones and you're lost in your own world.
It's a very long drive, Clark.
Clark I'm looking forward to a long drive. You get to see the kids all the time! I only see them a few minutes in the mornings and evenings and a few hours on the weekends. Someday I'll wake up and realize my babies have grown up! And then what?
I just thought it would be easier to fly.
Clark Nothing that is worthwhile is easy, Ellen. We know that.
Motel Clerk
I'm sorry, sir. I can't accept this credit card. [hands Clark back his credit card]
Clark Why not?
Motel Clerk
The computer says it's been reported lost.
Clark Oh no, no, no. You see my wife lost her cards back in Colorado, I had to report it, and the computer is probably saying that I lost mine, which obviously, I haven't.
Motel Clerk
Well, you're going to have to straighten that out with your bank.
Clark [takes out checkbook]
Do you take personal checks?
Motel Clerk
For how much?
Clark $300.
Motel Clerk
I can't do that, sir.
Clark Look, I've lost all my cash, and we're on our way to California...
Motel Clerk
[unamused]
Walley World?
Clark Yeah. Walley World. And I am sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd really appreciate it.
Motel Clerk
[sternly]
Not without a major credit card.
Clark I have $6.13 to my name, so I see we're going to have to work something out here between us.
Motel Clerk
[becoming more annoyed]
Look, I've already told you, I can't accept a check without a major credit card.
Clark I'm making this out for 1000 dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash, and keep the other 700... all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
Motel Clerk
[glares at Clark angrily]
The only thing I can do is let you stay here until the check clears; 10 working days! [A phone rings in the background, and the clerk walks off-screen to answer it. Clark bangs his fist on the desk in frustration, causing the cash register to open. After a pause, he grabs a load of money from the register, puts the check in the register, puts on a cowboy hat, and runs off]
Clark [delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her… give her a break.
Clark! [Clark ignores her, and chants in Hindu] Clark, this is a serious matter! I'll do it myself!
Clark Honey, I'm not an ordained minister. I'm doing my best, okay?
Lord, we loved this woman with all of our hearts.
Let's not overdo it, Mom.
Shut up. [to "Lord"] But my husband wants his beloved family to go to Wally World. May God have mercy on his soul. Amen.
Clark AMEN! (NOW) LET'S GO!
Ugh! I hope at least you kids have learned something from this.
Yeah! Don't die unless someone's home!
I don't want to be in the car anymore. I want to go home! I don't want to go to Walley World!
Clark? Under the circumstances, I would rather we just go home. In retrospect, driving across country, has been one disaster after another!
Yeah, it's been a real drag, Dad! Maybe we can try it some other time. Walley World's overrated anyway.
What do you think?
Clark I think you're all **** in the head. We're 10 hours from the ****in' fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation… it's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much ****in' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes!!! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
Clark Don't TOUCH!
The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
Clark What are you talking about?
You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
Clark I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
Clark You know what your problem is? You have an uncanny knack for looking at the dark side of things. That's your problem. You wouldn't know a good time if it came up and bit you!
Clark Russ, come here a minute. You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt your Mom. It's been a long drive. I work very hard for you, Audrey and your mom. I guess when you get older
Like swimming naked with girls?
Clark Yeah! Like swimming naked with girls. Well, not with girls. You think I was swimming with girls?
I saw just one girl.
Clark Who, that girl? Oh, no, that's a waitress. No, I was just ordering in. She's a pool waitress. I was ordering some fish for you, Audrey and Mom.
She took your order?
Clark She took my order, yeah. Swimming waitress. You understand, don't you, Russ?
Sure, I understand. [pause] Do you think Mom will buy it?
Clark Good talk, son. Go to bed, Russ.
That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
It's a BB gun!
Clark Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.
Clark Yeah I could. It could lodge in the skin and cause a very bad infection.
That's an old wive's tale Clark. I'm telling you. [gets out of one of the roller coaster car; Clark fires the pistol; Lasky groans in pain and sits back in the seat]
Clark See I told you. I warned you.
You wrecked these pants and you're paying for them!
Clark Yeah I will pay for them. [The roller coaster ride begins]
Clark Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country?
Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible.
Clark Ooooh. Ooooh, I know that smell. Roy, could you imagine if you had driven all the way to Florida and it was closed?
Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.
Clark I know they don't close the state of Florida. But, you know...when we got here, to Roy Walley World...and it was closed down, Roy. If you had seen the look on my kids' faces. I just went a little haywire.
You went a lot haywire, if you ask me.
Clark Well, I'm very sorry, sir. And I'm sorry to all these people. I didn't mean any harm. I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were....If you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
No.
