Fletch I didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses.
Played by Chevy Chase 
Fletch (1985) · 45 quotes
Fletch (1985) · 45 quotes
Most-quoted character in Fletch (1985): in 45 of its 45 quotes
Most scenes with: Alan Stanwyk (3), Gail Stanwyk (3)
As I pulled up to my palatial, imitation apartment building, I noticed the familiar red Oldsmo-Buick of Mr. Arnold T. Pants, Esquire. Attorney for the former Mrs. Irwin M. Fletcher. Time to use the service entrance.
More lines from Fletch
21 quotes Fletch Fletch Oh, you've remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.
Fletch [to a Doberman Pinscher]
Look, defenseless babies!
Fletch It was something your wife said while we were in bed together. She said we had the same build. From the waist up I imagine.
Fletch If you haven't guessed, there's been a lot of drug traffic on the beach lately. And I'm not talking about Robitussin and No-Doz...I'm talking about the hard stuff. I've been posing as an affable, minor league junkie in order to get to the bottom of it. It hasn't been easy. I don't shower much.
Fletch You know, if you shoot me, you're liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.
Fletch ...and who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just whack [mimes door hitting him in the face] blood...
Fletch For another grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner.
Fletch [to Gail Stanwyck, who answers the door wearing a towel]
Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
Fletch I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jackknifed on the Santa Ana. Gawdawful mess. You should see my shoes.
Fletch [after paying his ex-wife's attorney, Fletch walks him to the door]
Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.
Fletch Hey, don't talk to me that way, assface. I don't work for you yet.
Fletch Tierra Del Fuego.
Fletch In the court ruling US vs. Fishbine, a man subjected to potential incineration while wearing another man's suit is entitled to $10,000 worth of airline tickets. It's an obscure ruling, but a very important one. To me.
Fletch [singing]
Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants...
Fletch Mr. Stanwyk's parents Marvin and Velma of Provo, were unable to attend the wedding. Those are three names I enjoy; Marvin, Velma, and Provo.
Fletch Hey! I think all of our problems may have just been solved. Ed McMahon. Think I just won a million bucks. Yeahhahhah, Irwin M. Fletcher you choose. Woo wee! Oh boy, I lost. Again. Sorry.
Fletch [Corrupt Police Chief Karlin surprises Stanwyk holding Fletch at gunpoint - said in the dryest manner possible]
Thank God. The police.
Fletch Hey that's you and Tommy Lasorda... [smashes picture] I hate Tommy Lasorda.
Fletch Can I call my mother? Tell her how much I love her?
Fletch Love your body, Larry.
Scenes with Fletch
23 scenes
If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand - and your mouth shut.
Fletch Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?
It's nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.
Fletch Yeah, I assure you.
One thousand just to listen. I don't see how you can pass that up, Mister...?
Fletch Nugent. Ted Nugent.
Alan Stanwyk.
Fletch Ellen? Charmed. You know, for an extra grand, I'll let you take me out to dinner...
Fletch You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that Hop-along Cassidy killed himself here.
Who?
Fletch Hop-along Cassidy. Bow and arrow. Very Weird.
What, are you doped up now?
Fletch Don't talk to me like that, ass-face, I don't work for you, yet.
Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch I rent. I have a lease, with an option to buy.
Hispanic Housekeeper
Buenos días.
Fletch Pop 'n' Taco.
Waiter
Excuse me sir, you are a member of the club?
Fletch No, I'm here with the Underhills.
Waiter
The Underhills? They are left, Señor.
Fletch Oh they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.
Waiter
Would you like to order something, sir? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.
Fletch Oh, yes. Very well. I'll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and a...steak sandwich.
Fletch I'm a friend of Alan's. I'm John.
Ohhhh, John. John who?
Fletch John ****... tos... ton.
That's a beautiful name.
Fletch It's Scotch-Romanian.
That's an odd combination.
Fletch So were my parents.
...
Fletch I saw Alan this morning and you know what I can't figure out?
Gail Stanwyck
Alan's in Utah
Fletch I...can't figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.
...
Gail Stanwyck
You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan's flyboy buddies who hit on me, I'd be a rich woman.
Fletch You ARE a rich woman.
Gail Stanwyck
See what I mean?
Fletch Do you have caviar?
Waiter
Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.
Fletch Well, I better just take two portions of that, then.
You ordered lunch to my room.
Fletch Well, I knew that's where my mouth would be.
Are you always this forward?
Fletch Only with wet, married women.
Madeline
I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline
Who's Frieda?
Fletch My secretary.
Dr. Joseph Dolan So where do you know Alan from?
Fletch We play tennis together at the club.
Dr. Joseph Dolan Really? The California Racquet Club?
Fletch Yes.
Dr. Joseph Dolan That's my club too. I don't remember seeing you there.
Fletch Well, I haven't played in a while because of these kidney pains.
Dr. Joseph Dolan Right. Now, how long have you been having these pains, Mr. Barber?
Fletch That's Babar.
Dr. Joseph Dolan Two bs?
Fletch One. B-A-B-A-R.
Dr. Joseph Dolan That's two.
Fletch Yeah, but not right next to each other. I thought that's what you meant.
Dr. Joseph Dolan Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?
Fletch I don't know. I don't have any.
Dr. Joseph Dolan No children?
Fletch No, elephant books.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan You know, it's an odd name, Babar...I don't recall seeing it on the club register.
Fletch Well, I don't formally belong. I'm a guest of my aunt.
Dr. Joseph Dolan Your Aunt?
Fletch Yes. Mrs. Smith.
Dr. Joseph Dolan June or Margaret?
Fletch Uh-huh, right.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan You know, it's a shame about Ed.
Fletch Oh, it was. Yeah, it was really a shame. To go so suddenly like that.
Dr. Joseph Dolan Ahh, he was dying for years.
Fletch Sure, but... the end was really... very sudden.
Dr. Joseph Dolan He was in intensive care for eight weeks!
Fletch Yeah, but I mean the very end, when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan Drop your shorts and bend over.
Fletch No...we don't have to, I mean, maybe I just haven't been doing enough calisthenics...you know, my kidneys feel a lot better now, maybe if I just bent over like this every morning......
[Dolan inserts his finger into Fletch's anus with an audible "pop" sound]
Fletch [singing]
Moon River......[talking] Whew...ever serve time, Doc?
Dr. Joseph Dolan Breathe easy.
Fletch Yeah...breathe easy... Ahh!! Using the whole fist, Doc?!
...
Dr. Joseph Dolan [After the proctological exam]
Well, I can't seem to find anything wrong with you, Mr. Babar.
Fletch Well, I'm sure it's not for a lack of looking.
Receptionist
Can I help you Dr...?
Fletch Oh it's me, Dr. Rosenpenis. I'm just here to check out Alan Stanwyk's file.
Receptionist
Dr. who?
Fletch Dr. Rosenrosen, I just need to get to the records room.
Receptionist
What was that name again?
Fletch It's Dr. Rosen, I want to check the records room.
Receptionist
Dr. who?
Fletch Dr. Rosen! Where's the records room?
Pathologist
Ever seen a spleen that large?
Fletch No, not since breakfast.
Fletch Where am I?
Records Nurse
You're in the records room.
Fletch Oh. Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're at it.
Kid
Are you a cop?
Fletch As far as you know.
Kid
Are you gonna take me to jail for car theft?
Fletch Why? Did you steal the car?
Kid
I sure did.
Fletch Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.
...
Fletch I always use a little chewing gum on these rides. It filters out the pollutants.
Kid
[Fletch swerves to avoid another car]
Oh shit!
Fletch Of course you've got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.
Fat Sam I've got some reds.
Fletch You don't mean communists, do you Sammy?
Fletch [Fletch is being framed for drug possession by two very large cops]
Aren't you gonna read me my rights?
Cop
You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.
Fletch I think I'll waive my rights.
...
Chief Karlin [to the arresting officers]
Why don't you two leave us alone?
Fletch Yeah, go down to the gym and pump each other.
...
Chief Karlin What's your name?
Fletch Fletch.
Chief Karlin What's your full name?
Fletch Fletch F. Fletch.
Chief Karlin What do you do for a living, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch I'm a shepherd.
Chief Karlin Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?
Fletch I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.
Fletch Can't keep me here, chief.
Chief Karlin Maybe I'm not going to keep you here. Maybe I'm going to blow your brains out.
Fletch Well, now, I'm no lawyer, but... I do believe that's a violation of my rights.
[Looking at photos of her husband and another woman]
Look at her! Would you look at her?! She looks like a hooker! Could you love someone who looked like that!?
Fletch What are you talking about? Of course not! ...five, ten minutes tops, maybe.
Stanton Boyd
What kind of a name is Poon?
Fletch Comanche Indian.
Gummy [after Fletch gets kicked in the crotch]
Fletch! Are you all right?
Fletch Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.
Frank Walker What about this guy, 'Fat Sam'? You said you had pictures of him.
Fletch I do have pictures of him. Dealing.
Frank Walker Well let's go! We'll run the pictures!
Fletch Can't do that, Frank. Fat Sam isn't the story, there's a source behind him.
Frank Walker Who's the source?
Fletch Well, there we're in kind of a "grey" area.
Frank Walker How grey?
Fletch Charcoal?
Willy What the hell you need ball bearings for?
Fletch Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course. [leans arm on hot engine part, then jumps away] Heyya! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
Fletch [Talking to the PanAm Reservations Agent at LAX]
I hope there's no-one sitting next to me. See, I always fly first class and I take up both seats. I'm in bridge construction and these fold outs take up a tremendous amount of space!
Reservation Agent
I'm afraid there is somebody sitting next to you...
Fletch Oh for god-dahh-dahh! Who is it, Mister Sinilindin?!
Reservation Agent
No, the name is Cavanaugh.
Fletch Ah! Is that Morris or Pierre?
Reservation Agent
It's Sally-Ann Cavanaugh. She's connecting out of...Provo.
Fletch Ah...Provo, Spain?
Reservation Agent
Utah. In fact, you purchased the ticket for Ms. Cavanaugh.
Fletch Doesn't mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?
