Clark W. Griswold Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the suit cases, and well, I'll be outside for the season.
Most-quoted character in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989): in 52 of its 78 quotes
Most scenes with: Cousin Eddie (13), Ellen (11), Uncle Lewis (4)
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny **** Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
More lines from Clark W. Griswold
12 quotes Clark W. Griswold Clark W. Griswold [as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
Clark W. Griswold [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw]
Fixed the newel post.
Clark W. Griswold LOTTA SAP in here, Little full, Lotta sap!!
Clark W. Griswold The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the the thspirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.
Clark W. Griswold I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.
Clark W. Griswold Can't see the line, can you Russ?
Clark W. Griswold Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?
Clark W. Griswold [handing Christmas lights to Russ]
Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [pulls out a huge tangle of lights] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [hands it to Russ]
Clark W. Griswold Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr.! Remember, don't try this at home, kids; I am a professional. Later, dudes. Let 'er rip. Hang 10! [pushes off; goes sledding downhill at ridiculously high speed] OH, SHIIIIIIIIIT!!
Clark W. Griswold [sliding through a forest on his saucer sled, barely avoiding trees]
This is great! It's great! I'm dead!
Clark W. Griswold [last line]
I did it.
Scenes with Clark W. Griswold
39 scenes Clark We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark No, I have one of those at home.
Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark Bend over and I'll show you.
You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark [looking at his wife, Margo]
I wasn't talking to you.
Clark Let's burn some dust here, eat my rubber!
Rusty Griswold Dad, I think what you mean is "burn rubber" and "eat my dust".
Clark Whatever Russ, whatever.
Mary [Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches]
Can I help you with anything?
Clark Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing.
Mary For your wife? For your girlfriend?
Clark Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary You have your coat on.
Clark Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
Mary Because it's cold out?
Clark Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.
Clark 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary That's my name.
Clark No shit.
Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised that I am now.
Clark Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
What are you looking at?
Clark Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
Shitter was full.
Clark Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.
Clark Nervous or excited?
Shittin' bricks.
Clark You shouldn't use that word.
Sorry. Shittin' rocks.
Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark That's all part of the experience honey.
I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
[talking about Snots, Eddie's dog]
If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.
Clark Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
What dear?
Nora Grace!
Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...
<straining his face to mouth the words> They want you to say grace.... The BLESS-ING!!!
Oh.
<everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads>
I pledge allegiance, to the flag of the United States of America - and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all!
Clark Amen.
Clark Russ, we checked every bulb didn't we?
Rusty Sure, Dad.
Clark Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...
Clark [a squirrel is loose in the house]
Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.
Catherine Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
Clark [As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel]
Russ, go get the hammer.
Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
You are not going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!
Clark Well honey, what do you suggest?
Clark Sr (extreme close up)
SQUUUIIIIRRRREEELLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogeies.
Clark Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.
Clark Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City. [the kids sit up excitedly]
Clark I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Are you okay?
The little lights aren't twinkling.
Clark I know Art. And thanks for noticing.
Clark [Snots is choking under the table making it shake]
Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
Clark Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr. Oh, yeah.
Clark How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr. I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.
Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!
You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark When have I ever done that?
Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...
Clark My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark ...is innocent.
Clark I just...can't believe you're standing in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Yeah, I'm excited 'bout it, too. It's a cryin' shame the older kids couldn't make it. [Eddie notices the candle spinner has stopped working and gives it a hard tap, knocking all the fan blades off]
Clark I'll get that, don't worry about it.
[finishes his glass of egg nog and goes to the walnuts as Clark tries to fix the spinner]
Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, gettin' cured off the Wild Turkey. And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparin' for his career.
Clark College?
Carnival.
Clark You ought to be proud.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-a-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, he'll be guessin' people's weight or barkin' for the Yak Woman. [Clark drops spinner blades] You ever see her?
Clark No.
Yeah, she's got these big horns growin' out right above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal, and a helluva good cook.
Clark Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
[describing the metal plate in his head]
I had to have it replaced 'cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. So, they put in a plastic one, and it ain't as strong, so...I don't know if I ought to go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
[gesturing over the left side of his head]
Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and over here is... [bangs his right side] Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
Clark Yeah, I know the feeling.
Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.
Clark Nervous or excited?
Shitting bricks.
Clark You shouldn't use that word.
Sorry. Shitting rocks.
I have this terrible suspicion that Catherine and Eddie don't have presents for their kids. Rocky said something about Eddie telling him that Santa Claus wasn't coming this year.
Clark Yeah, Ruby Sue said something like that last night. How can they have nothing for their children?
Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years.
Clark In seven years, he couldn't find a job?
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position.
Clark [Clark and Eddie are shopping at Wal-Mart]
So, how's the live bait business, Eddie?
I can't complain. How're you doing?
Clark Not that good, actually.
Didn't your company kill all of them people over in India not long ago?
Clark No, we missed out on that one. Are you pretty set as far as shopping goes?
Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth is things ain't been going too good at all. You know I told you that I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine, we live in it. I had to sell off the house, the barn, the ten acres. All I kept was a fifty-foot plot, pigs, and the worm farm. If only I had back the money that me and Catherine sent that TV preacher that was screwing the hockey players.
Clark How about the kids?
Oh, his kids can fend for themselves.
Clark No, your kids.
Oh, well, that's the bitch of it; I don't know what to do. We rolled into town on fumes, gas money gave out in Gurney...
Clark Eddie, Ellen and I want help you give the kids a nice Christmas.
Oh, Clark, I couldn't do that.
Clark No, we insist.
Oh, no, I'm not one for charity now.
Clark Oh, I know that, Eddie. This isn't charity, it's family.
Clark Now, come on. If you don't tell me what they want, I'll go out and get it on my own.
...Oh, boy. This is a surprise, Clark. This is just a really nice surprise! [hugs Clark tightly] Just a real nice surprise! [laughs in relief, then gives Clark a piece of paper from his pocket] Here's a little list. Alphabetical, starting with Catherine. And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you, Clark. Something...[clicks his tongue with an 'A-okay' gesture] really nice.
Clark [Snots is choking under the table making it shake]
Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
[Snots gags again, table shakes] [looks under table]
Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. [Snots coughs up the bone] He got it up. He's alright, now.
Clark Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table...
No, no. He's probably just nosing through the trash.
[Clark looks to the direction of the kitchen, and sees the trash can has been knocked over, all the trash scattered over the floor]
Clark [While eating dinner, Uncle Lewis smokes a cigar and drops it. A flame engulfs in the living room for a split second. Clark notices it and walks into the living room]
Lewis?! [tears up when he sees that his Christmas tree has been burnt into a crisp] MY TREE!
So, what’s the matter with you?
Clark Look what you've done to my tree! [notices that Lewis is on fire in the back of his clothes] LEWIS! [uses a curtain, grabs Lewis and pats his back to put out the fire]
At least it's out of its misery!
Clark What?
Was that really necessary?
Clark Well...we needed a tree.
Do I need to remind you that–
Clark This was all my idea? No, I'm well aware of that, honey.
Well, maybe you can remember that the next time you go berserk?
Clark I didn't go berserk; I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Are you okay?
Clark Sr. [finding Clark after his outburst]
Son? I love you. We all love you, but this is a terrible night. Nothing's gone right, it's a disaster. But your losing your temper with the whole family only makes things worse, and you're too good a father to act like this. Now, in years to come, you'll want your children and family to remember all the love you gave us and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas.
Clark I know, I just...
Clark Sr. You just cocked it up. [Clark looks at him] But that's okay. It happens.
Clark All our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr. Oh, yeah.
Clark How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr. I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
Clark [the two lightly laugh, then embrace, before Clark Sr. turns to leave]
Hey, Dad?
Clark Sr. Yeah?
Clark Are you going to recite "The Night Before Christmas"?
Clark Sr. No. It's your house, it's your Christmas. I'm retiring.
I have never been treated like this in my life!
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, all was my idea.
All right, he's still fired. And you are going to jail!
Clark [Eddie scoffs dismissively]
No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus, and I guess I said a few things I probably shouldn't have.
Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.
Clark Yeah? Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check, instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company, I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine! But when people count on them as their salary, well, what you did just plain...
Russ
Sucks.
Clark Thank you, Russ. My...cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark ...is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
[sees everyone looking at him; having a change of heart]
Look, uh...sometimes things look good on paper, but...lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So...Carl, whatever you got last year, add...[shrugs] 20 percent.
[Everyone else starts chattering excitedly to one another. A stunned Clark simply faints]
Clark I think you've made a terrible mistake.
SWAT officer I told you to freeze, mister!
Clark May we blink?
Helen!
Oh, I'm fine. I'm just fine. It was a big misunderstanding tonight.
Swat Captain
Excuse me. Would you and Mrs. Shirley like to step outside, so, we can take care of business here?
Oh, there's no business. I'm not pressing any charges.
What?
It was a mistake.
Mistake? Frank, honey, you were kidnapped!
I did something I shouldn't have, and these people called me on it. This is Clark Griswold and his family.
Welcome to our home. [Mrs. Shirley shakes her hand] What's left of it.
Swat Captain
Release, B Squad.
Remember I was toying with the notion of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
You didn't!
Well...
Of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck!
Swat Captain
That's pretty low, mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you-!
I've changed my mind! I'm reinstating all the bonuses!
