Cousin Eddie If that cat had nine lives she just spent 'em all!
2nd most-quoted character in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989): in 22 of its 78 quotes
Most scenes with: Clark W. Griswold (13), Ellen (2)
They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.
More lines from Cousin Eddie
8 quotes Cousin Eddie Cousin Eddie [Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet into the sewer drain]
Merry Christmas! Shitter's full!
Cousin Eddie [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon]
Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark. [to Mr. Shirley] You about ready to do some kissing?
Cousin Eddie Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here piece of furniture. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?
Cousin Eddie He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if your wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.
Cousin Eddie That right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV.
Cousin Eddie Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?
Cousin Eddie [after finding out that Clark has received a "Jelly of the Month" club membership in place of a bonus]
Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
Scenes with Cousin Eddie
13 scenes Eddie You surprised to see us, Clark?
Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised that I am now.
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
What are you looking at?
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
Eddie Shitter was full.
Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
Eddie I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
Eddie [talking about Snots, Eddie's dog]
If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.
Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City. [the kids sit up excitedly]
Eddie [after a pause]
You serious, Clark?
Eddie [Snot gags again, table shakes] (Looks under table)
Oh, he's just yakin' on a bone.
Eddie [Snot coughs up the bone]
He got it up.
My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie I appreciate that, Clark.
...is innocent.
I just...can't believe you're standing in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie Yeah, I'm excited 'bout it, too. It's a cryin' shame the older kids couldn't make it. [Eddie notices the candle spinner has stopped working and gives it a hard tap, knocking all the fan blades off]
I'll get that, don't worry about it.
Eddie [finishes his glass of egg nog and goes to the walnuts as Clark tries to fix the spinner]
Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, gettin' cured off the Wild Turkey. And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparin' for his career.
College?
Eddie Carnival.
You ought to be proud.
Eddie Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-a-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, he'll be guessin' people's weight or barkin' for the Yak Woman. [Clark drops spinner blades] You ever see her?
No.
Eddie Yeah, she's got these big horns growin' out right above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal, and a helluva good cook.
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
Eddie Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Eddie [describing the metal plate in his head]
I had to have it replaced 'cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. So, they put in a plastic one, and it ain't as strong, so...I don't know if I ought to go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
Eddie [gesturing over the left side of his head]
Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and over here is... [bangs his right side] Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Eddie I can't complain. How're you doing?
Not that good, actually.
Eddie Didn't your company kill all of them people over in India not long ago?
No, we missed out on that one. Are you pretty set as far as shopping goes?
Eddie Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth is things ain't been going too good at all. You know I told you that I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine, we live in it. I had to sell off the house, the barn, the ten acres. All I kept was a fifty-foot plot, pigs, and the worm farm. If only I had back the money that me and Catherine sent that TV preacher that was screwing the hockey players.
How about the kids?
Eddie Oh, his kids can fend for themselves.
No, your kids.
Eddie Oh, well, that's the bitch of it; I don't know what to do. We rolled into town on fumes, gas money gave out in Gurney...
Eddie, Ellen and I want help you give the kids a nice Christmas.
Eddie Oh, Clark, I couldn't do that.
No, we insist.
Eddie Oh, no, I'm not one for charity now.
Oh, I know that, Eddie. This isn't charity, it's family.
Eddie [Quiety]
Mmm-mmm, I don't know about this...
Now, come on. If you don't tell me what they want, I'll go out and get it on my own.
Eddie ...Oh, boy. This is a surprise, Clark. This is just a really nice surprise! [hugs Clark tightly] Just a real nice surprise! [laughs in relief, then gives Clark a piece of paper from his pocket] Here's a little list. Alphabetical, starting with Catherine. And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you, Clark. Something...[clicks his tongue with an 'A-okay' gesture] really nice.
Eddie [Snots gags again, table shakes] [looks under table]
Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. [Snots coughs up the bone] He got it up. He's alright, now.
Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table...
Eddie No, no. He's probably just nosing through the trash.
[Clark looks to the direction of the kitchen, and sees the trash can has been knocked over, all the trash scattered over the floor]
I have never been treated like this in my life!
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
Eddie Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, all was my idea.
All right, he's still fired. And you are going to jail!
[Eddie scoffs dismissively]
No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus, and I guess I said a few things I probably shouldn't have.
Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.
Yeah? Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check, instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company, I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine! But when people count on them as their salary, well, what you did just plain...
Russ
Sucks.
Thank you, Russ. My...cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie I appreciate that, Clark.
...is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
[sees everyone looking at him; having a change of heart]
Look, uh...sometimes things look good on paper, but...lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So...Carl, whatever you got last year, add...[shrugs] 20 percent.
[Everyone else starts chattering excitedly to one another. A stunned Clark simply faints]
Other characters in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
More Randy Quaid characters
Colonel Tom Parker
Cousin Eddie
Russell Casse
Cousin Eddie
Seaman Laurence M. "Larry" Meadows
Tim Daland
Mr. Briggs
Ishmael