Randy Quaid movie quotes

View Quote They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

View Quote He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if your wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.

View Quote If that cat had nine lives she just spent 'em all!

View Quote I'll have some of the yellow. And don't get cheap on me.

View Quote Aw, she's got her mother's looks and her daddy's sense of balance.

View Quote Oh, yeah. That's from when I sold my kidney. I figured with all the advancements in modern science, I'd better sell it while someone still wanted to buy it. Smartest thing I ever did, Clark.

View Quote Do me a favor. Tell my kids I loved them very much. [Then after taking his mask off] All right, you alien assholes! In the words of my generation: Up Yours!

View Quote Well uh I'm Russell Casse and after Nam I got into crop dusting and I have been doing it ever since. On a, uh, personal note sir, I'd just like to add, uh, that ever since I was kidnapped by aliens ten years ago, I've been dyin' for some payback. Just want you know that, uh, I won't let you down.

View Quote Sorry I'm late, Mr. President! Kinda got hang up back there! Amred and ready sir! I'm Packing! Woohoo! Look out! coming Through! I'm in range! I got Tone! Eagle 20! FOX 2! Eagle 20! FOX 2! ITS JAMMED! IT WONT FIRE!!

View Quote Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

View Quote Clark: [looking at raw tomato paste] Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best!

View Quote Cousin Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.

View Quote Ishmael: [On smoking] You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it's bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.
Roy: Is that right? Who's done more research on the subject than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say it's harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.

View Quote Ishmael: I don't drink coffee.
Roy: Why not?
Ishmael: Because it's a stimulant.
Roy: What the hell do you think cigarettes are?
Ishmael: They are?
[Roy nods]
Ishmael: All right, make it an extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. Lots of cream.

View Quote Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?
Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.
Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a clue what it is. It's round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.
Ishmael: [He points his finger into Roy's face] You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!
Roy: I'm talking about bowling! Your future!

View Quote Jimmy: The second way out, I need you guys' help, and that's under.
Billy Hayes: You mean tunnel? Are you serious?
Max: This is Shagmahr prison, not Stalag 17.
Jimmy: Well that's where you're wrong ****face, 'cause it's already built!

View Quote Jimmy: So... Billy, what are you in for? Hash?
Billy Hayes: Yeah.
Jimmy: Where'd they get you?
Billy Hayes: The airport... trying to get home.
Jimmy: You go through customs?
Billy Hayes: Yeah, I was busted right at the plane.
Jimmy: Aw, man that's heavy. That's very heavy.
Erich: It's bad if they get you for smuggling, but if they make it possession, the sentence is lighter. The best thing for you to do, Billy, is try to make bail. If you make bail, you're free. You can easily get yourself a fake passport on the black market, or get yourself across the border into Greece.
Jimmy: Dream on, Erich. They'll never grant bail to foreigners whom may be a flight risk.
Erich: But if you argue in court about you being innocent...
Jimmy: This ain't the good ol' USA! This is Turkey, man! It's a ****in' accident here if you're innocent! There ain't nobody here that is innocent!

View Quote Billy Hayes: I'm Billy Hayes.
Jimmy: I'm Jimmy. Jimmy Booth. I'm an American just like you. This other guy here is Erich... something. I can't pronouce his last name. He's Swedish or something.
Erich: Just Erich.
Jimmy: Yeah... well, what do you think of this place, Billy?
Billy Hayes: [looks around the prison hall and courtyard] Looks like some cheap rundown hotel.
Jimmy: Yeah, thought you'd say that. Everyone says that this place looks like a cheap hotel.
Billy Hayes: [sees peacocks along the fence of the prison] Peacocks. Why peacocks?
Jimmy: The Turks use 'em instead of dogs to patrol the fence because they shriek like hell when they're approached or disturbed. Plus, they don't get rabies.
[a little boy runs past them]
Billy Hayes: Who are the kids?
Jimmy: Kids? They're not kids. They're local street urchins the Turks lock up here in a separate wing for the juveniles. Boys as young as nine or ten years old. They're thieves, drug dealers, muggers, con artists, pickpockets, rapists, murderers... you name it, they do it. Don't trust any of them!