Ellen quotes from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

Ellen

Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.

Aunt Bethany

Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis

Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Ellen

What are you looking at?

Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

Eddie

Shitter was full.

Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Ellen

Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Ellen

Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

That's all part of the experience honey.

Audrey

Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen

Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

Russ, go get the hammer.

Ellen

Clark, what do you need a hammer for?

I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.

Ellen

You are not going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!

Well honey, what do you suggest?

Uncle Lewis

Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogeies.

Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?

Ellen

He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.

If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Ellen

Are you okay?

Ellen

Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.

Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

Ellen

You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

When have I ever done that?

Ellen

Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

Ellen

I have this terrible suspicion that Catherine and Eddie don't have presents for their kids. Rocky said something about Eddie telling him that Santa Claus wasn't coming this year.

Yeah, Ruby Sue said something like that last night. How can they have nothing for their children?

Ellen

Well, he's been out of work for close to seven years.

In seven years, he couldn't find a job?

Ellen

Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position.

Audrey

Uh oh, he's got that crazy look in his eye.

I told you we should've gone to Hawaii!

Ellen

CLARK, TURN THAT THING OFF AND GET IN THE HOUSE!

I'll go talk to him. [walks up to Clark] You know, Dad, I've been thinking... [Clark turns and stares crazily at him, his running chainsaw pointed in Russ' direction] Good talk, Dad!

What?

Ellen

Was that really necessary?

Well...we needed a tree.

Ellen

Do I need to remind you that–

This was all my idea? No, I'm well aware of that, honey.

Ellen

Well, maybe you can remember that the next time you go berserk?

I didn't go berserk; I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

Ellen

Are you okay?

I have never been treated like this in my life!

Ellen

I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.

You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police!

Eddie

Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, all was my idea.

All right, he's still fired. And you are going to jail!

No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus, and I guess I said a few things I probably shouldn't have.

Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year.

Yeah? Thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check, instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 17 years with the company, I've gotten a Christmas bonus every year but this one. You don't want to give bonuses, fine! But when people count on them as their salary, well, what you did just plain...

Sucks.

Thank you, Russ. My...cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...

Eddie

I appreciate that, Clark.

...is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this, on behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas.

Look, uh...sometimes things look good on paper, but...lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So...Carl, whatever you got last year, add...[shrugs] 20 percent.
[Everyone else starts chattering excitedly to one another. A stunned Clark simply faints]

I think you've made a terrible mistake.

I told you to freeze, mister!

May we blink?

Frank.

Helen!

Oh, Thank God, You're all right.

Oh, I'm fine. I'm just fine. It was a big misunderstanding tonight.

Excuse me. Would you and Mrs. Shirley like to step outside, so, we can take care of business here?

Oh, there's no business. I'm not pressing any charges.

What?

It was a mistake.

Mistake? Frank, honey, you were kidnapped!

I did something I shouldn't have, and these people called me on it. This is Clark Griswold and his family.

Ellen

Welcome to our home. [Mrs. Shirley shakes her hand] What's left of it.

Release, B Squad.

What's going on here?

Remember I was toying with the notion of suspending the Christmas bonuses?

You didn't!

Well...

Of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck!

That's pretty low, mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you-!

I've changed my mind! I'm reinstating all the bonuses!