Could I do your back, honey?
Ellen I've already done my back.
Could I do your front?
Ellen Go do your own front.
2nd most-quoted character in National Lampoon's Vacation (1983): in 25 of its 76 quotes
Most scenes with: Clark Griswold (17), Audrey (8), Rusty (5)
Scenes with Ellen
25 scenes Ellen Ellen Ellen [after the bartender shoots at Clark]
Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
What?
I said didn't you think it was real?
What?
Ellen Oh are you happy now Clark? She's deaf.
Oh what the hell - it was fun anyway.
Ellen Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.
Ellen Gee Cath look's like you really got your hands full.
Catherine
Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark.
I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
Ellen Good news, what good news, Catherine?
You're driving me to Phoenix!
[Clark bites into his 'burger' and it squirts out onto the plate]
Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
Ellen They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.
[Clark spits out his sandwich. Aunt Edna looks at hers, shrugs, then keeps eating it.]
Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?
Ellen No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.
Ellen [after driving off the road]
I think I broke my nose.
I stabbed my brain.
I just got my period.
Ellen Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.
Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and him! [pointing to Clark] He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
Ellen SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!
Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?
Ellen Find a bush Audrey!
Ellen I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.
Clark, watch your language!
Make that the second biggest.
Ellen [looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat]
She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do Clark?
Well, I guess we could leave her here and maybe the first phone we pass, we could call Cousin Normie and he could come and get her I guess.
Ellen That is the meanest, coldest...
Well, what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Yeah, come on. It'll be real easy for Normie to find Aunt Edna. All he has to do is look for the buzzards.
Ellen Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Yes, he can!
You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
[thunder rumbles]
Ellen Don't just blurt it out to Normie about Edna dying.
How about I ask him to play 20 Questions?
[Clark knocks on the front door of Normie's house and rings the doorbell, but no anwser]
Oh, for Christ sakes he isn't home.
Ellen Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
The moron knows we're coming and he isn't home.
Ellen Normie's always been flakey.
He's always been a jag-off.
Ellen Watch your mouth!
Ellen [In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
We can't leave Aunt Edna on the patio!
Would you prefer I slip her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?
I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Oh spare me, Clark, I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna]
O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.
Ellen Clark...
Ellen Clark, this is a serious matter, I'll do it myself!
Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.
Ellen Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.
Let's not overdo it, mom.
Ellen Shut up.
Is that a real gun, Mom?
Ellen I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father may be going away for a little while.
Ellen We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
No, it isn't.
Ellen You know, Clark, it's not too late to fly out to California. We only have two weeks.
Let's not get into that again, sweetie pie. Please?
Ellen Lots of families fly, Clark. Especially cross-country.
The idea of a family vacation is to be together as a family. On a plane, you put on earphones and you're lost in your own world.
Ellen It's a very long drive, Clark.
I'm looking forward to a long drive. You get to see the kids all the time! I only see them a few minutes in the mornings and evenings and a few hours on the weekends. Someday I'll wake up and realize my babies have grown up! And then what?
Ellen I just thought it would be easier to fly.
Nothing that is worthwhile is easy, Ellen. We know that.
[delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her… give her a break.
Ellen Clark! [Clark ignores her, and chants in Hindu] Clark, this is a serious matter! I'll do it myself!
Honey, I'm not an ordained minister. I'm doing my best, okay?
Ellen Lord, we loved this woman with all of our hearts.
Let's not overdo it, Mom.
Ellen Shut up. [to "Lord"] But my husband wants his beloved family to go to Wally World. May God have mercy on his soul. Amen.
AMEN! (NOW) LET'S GO!
Ellen Ugh! I hope at least you kids have learned something from this.
Yeah! Don't die unless someone's home!
I don't want to be in the car anymore. I want to go home! I don't want to go to Walley World!
Ellen Clark? Under the circumstances, I would rather we just go home. In retrospect, driving across country, has been one disaster after another!
Yeah, it's been a real drag, Dad! Maybe we can try it some other time. Walley World's overrated anyway.
Ellen What do you think?
I think you're all **** in the head. We're 10 hours from the ****in' fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation… it's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much ****in' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes!!! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
Don't TOUCH!
Ellen The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
What are you talking about?
Ellen You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!
You know what your problem is? You have an uncanny knack for looking at the dark side of things. That's your problem. You wouldn't know a good time if it came up and bit you!
