Spaceballs 1987 quotes, page 3

Dark Helmet

So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to! [Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [Lone Starr doll] Yes it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [makes a psh sound effect; Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!! [Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over; Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh![Helmet doll] And you too! [Dot doll] Aaargh!! [Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone, yet...I find you strangely attractive! [Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it! [Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! [Helmet doll] No, kiss me! [Vespa doll] No, no, yes, no, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhhhh... your helmet is so big... [Colonel Sandurz bursts in]

Colonel Sandurz

Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet

What!!

Colonel Sandurz

You're needed on the bridge, sir.

Dark Helmet

Knock on my door; knock next time!

Colonel Sandurz

Yes, sir.

Dark Helmet

Did you see anything?

Colonel Sandurz

No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.

Dark Helmet

Good!

Dark Helmet

Um, he did it. [points to Lone Starr]

Lone Starr

What?!

Dark Helmet

Fire a warning shot across her nose.

Dark Helmet

Careful, you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it.

Sorry, sir, I'm doing my best.

Dark Helmet

Who made that man a gunner?

I did, sir. He's my cousin.

Dark Helmet

Who is he?

Colonel Sandurz

He's an Asshole, sir.

Dark Helmet

I know that! What's his name?

Colonel Sandurz

That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.

Dark Helmet

And his cousin?

Colonel Sandurz

He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole!

Dark Helmet

How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?

Yo!

Dark Helmet

I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!

Dark Helmet

Have you found them yet?

No, Lord Helmet, they're still not on the scanner.

Dark Helmet

Well, keep looking for them. [taking a couple sips of coffee through his helmet]

Colonel Sandurz

Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. [to Corporal] Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.

Yes, sir. [searches a Mr. Rental shelf full of Mel Brooks films and reading each title] The Producers, Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein...

Dark Helmet

Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?

Colonel Sandurz

Yes, sir!

Dark Helmet

How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!

Colonel Sandurz

Well, that's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.

Dark Helmet

There has?

Colonel Sandurz

Yes! Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished!

Dark Helmet

Nah!

Here it is, sir! [takes out cassette and holds it] Spaceballs!

Colonel Sandurz

Good work, Corporal, punch it up! [Corporal puts in tape and it shows an F.B.I. Anti-Piracy warning] That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!

Preparing to fast-forward.

Colonel Sandurz

Fast-forward!

Fast-forwarding, sir!

Dark Helmet

No-no-no, go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again. [sips coffee in embarrassment]

Colonel Sandurz

Try here. Stop.

Dark Helmet

What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!

Colonel Sandurz

"Now." You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now [indicates himself and Helmet] is happening "now." [indicates the screen]

Dark Helmet

What happened to "then"?

Colonel Sandurz

We passed "then."

Dark Helmet

When?

Colonel Sandurz

Just now. We're at "now," now.

Dark Helmet

Go back to "then"!

Colonel Sandurz

When?

Dark Helmet

Now!

Colonel Sandurz

Now?

Dark Helmet

Now!

Colonel Sandurz

I can't.

Dark Helmet

Why?!

Colonel Sandurz

We missed it.

Dark Helmet

When?!

Colonel Sandurz

Just now.

Dark Helmet

... When will "then" be "now"?

Colonel Sandurz

Soon.

Dark Helmet

How soon?

Sir!

Dark Helmet

What?!

We have identified their location.

Dark Helmet

Where?!

It's the moon of Vega!

Colonel Sandurz

Good work, set a course and prepare for our arrival!

Dark Helmet

When?!

1900 hours, sir!

Colonel Sandurz

By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!

Dark Helmet

WHO?!! [mask falls down]

Dark Helmet

Never mind, I'll do it myself.

Colonel Sandurz

Very good sir.

Dark Helmet

What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling, you call that a radar screen?

Colonel Sandurz

No sir, we call it 'Mr. Coffee'. Care for some?

Dark Helmet

Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.

Colonel Sandurz

Of course, I do.

Dark Helmet

Everybody knows that!

Of course, we do, sir!

Dark Helmet

Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?

Colonel Sandurz

Right here.
[Gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]

Dark Helmet

No! We can't go in there! Yogurt has the Schwartz! It's far too powerful!

Sandurz

But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?

Dark Helmet

Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dark Helmet

So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Skroob

What's the combination?

Colonel Sandurz

One, two, three, four, five.

Skroob

One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!

Skroob

Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!

Colonel Sandurz

Yes sir.

Skroob

And change the combination on my luggage!

Dark Helmet

What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

Colonel Sandurz

Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.

Dark Helmet

What happend to then?

Colonel Sandurz

We passed then.

Dark Helmet

When?

Colonel Sandurz

Just now. Were at now, now.

Dark Helmet

Go back to then!

Colonel Sandurz

When?

Dark Helmet

Now.

Colonel Sandurz

Now?

Dark Helmet

Now!

Colonel Sandurz

I can't.

Dark Helmet

Why?

Colonel Sandurz

We missed it.

Dark Helmet

When?

Colonel Sandurz

Just now.

Dark Helmet

When will then be now?

Colonel Sandurz

Soon.

Dark Helmet

How soon?

Sir!

Dark Helmet

What?!

We have identified their location.

Dark Helmet

Where?!

It's the moon of Vega.

Colonel Sandurz

Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.

Dark Helmet

When?!

1900 hours.

Colonel Sandurz

By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.

Dark Helmet

Who!! [mask falls down]

Lone Starr

I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.

Yogurt

Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Lone Starr

Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (Thinks about what he has just said, then nods in approval.)

Dark Helmet

Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.

Lone Starr

What?

Dark Helmet

I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. [1]

Lone Starr

What's that make us?

Dark Helmet

Absolutely nothing-—which is what you are about to become.

Lone Starr

I wonder: Will we ever see each other again?

Yogurt

Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

Lone Starr

Oh, great, that's just what we needed: a Druish princess!

Barf

Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Lone Starr

Yogurt. What is this place? What is it that you do here?

Yogurt

Moichandising.

Barf

Merchandising? What's that?

Yogurt

Moichandising. Come! I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.

Yogurt

Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower... [fires a short blast from flame thrower]

Oooooohhhh!

Yogurt

The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll, me.

Yogurt

Adorable.

So, we were lost, none of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees, and then he said, "I got it. We on Pluto." And we said, "Harry, how can you tell?" He said, "From the bark, you dummies!" [laughs] From the bark!

Woman in diner

Is he all right?

Yeah, yeah, this guy digs me. Hey, what's wrong with this guy?

I don't know! Bring him some water!

Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!

Barf

Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?

Oh, he had the special.

Barf

The s-[realizing] That's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup!

Lone Starr

Good move.

Oh, no! Not again! [dies]

Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my rag-time gal! Send me a kiss by wire; baby, my heart's on fire! If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me! Then you'll be left alone oh, baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your own! [walks out the door](Note this dance number/song is a spoof from 1955 classic cartoon One Froggy Evening/song is Hello! Ma Baby 1914 song

Lone Star and Barf

Check, please!

We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it we on Pluto", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies... Ha-ha! From the bark!"

Woman in diner

Oh my god, is he all right? Get some water!

Water? Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!

Barf

Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?

Oh, he had the special.

Barf

The sp... that's that I ordered! Change my order to the soup!

Lone Starr

Good move.

John Hurt

Oh no! Not again![2]