Colonel Sandurz It's Megamaid! She's gone from suck to blow!
Played by George Wyner 
Spaceballs (1987) · 120 quotes
Spaceballs (1987) · 120 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Spaceballs (1987): in 21 of its 120 quotes
Most scenes with: Dark Helmet (17), President Skroob (5), Computer (3)
Scenes with Colonel Sandurz
21 scenes Colonel Sandurz Colonel Sandurz [After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls]
No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
Colonel Sandurz Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Colonel Sandurz We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico
I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
What? You went over my helmet?
Rico
Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
Rico
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Oh shit! Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, no, no, no! Not that!
Yes, that. [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]
No! We can't go in there! Yogurt has the Schwartz! It's far too powerful!
Sandurz But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.
Fire a warning shot across her nose.
[Warning shot almost hits Vespa's Benz]
Careful, you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it.
Crosseyed Gunner
Sorry, sir, I'm doing my best.
Who made that man a gunner?
Crosseyed Major
I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz He's an Asshole, sir.
I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole!
How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
Entire Bridge Crew
[The entire bridge crew, except for one person, stands up and raises a hand.]
Yo!
I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!
Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Colonel Sandurz Very good sir.
What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling, you call that a radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz No sir, we call it 'Mr. Coffee'. Care for some?
Colonel Sandurz Of course, I do.
Everybody knows that!
Crewmen
[covering their crotches]
Of course, we do, sir!
Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz Right here.
[Gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]
Colonel Sandurz I don't know. They must have hyperjets on that thing!
And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?!
Colonel Sandurz No, sir!
Well find them, catch them!
Colonel Sandurz Yes sir! Prepare ship for light speed!
No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
Colonel Sandurz Light speed too slow?
Yes, we'll have to go right to...ludicrous speed!
Colonel Sandurz [The entire crew gasps.]
Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it!
What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?
Colonel Sandurz [stuttering]
Prepare ship--prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo...
Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed!
Colonel Sandurz Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed! Go!!
Colonel Sandurz Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? How can there be a video cassette of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
There has?
Colonel Sandurz Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
What happend to then?
Colonel Sandurz We passed then.
When?
Colonel Sandurz Just now. Were at now, now.
Go back to then!
Colonel Sandurz When?
Now.
Colonel Sandurz Now?
Now!
Colonel Sandurz I can't.
Why?
Colonel Sandurz We missed it.
When?
Colonel Sandurz Just now.
When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz Soon.
How soon?
Corporal
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.]
Sir!
What?!
Corporal
We have identified their location.
Where?!
Corporal
It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Corporal
1900 hours.
Colonel Sandurz By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Who!! [mask falls down]
This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Cancellation button? Hurry!
Where is it? Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it.]
"Out of order!?" ****! Even in the future nothing works!
So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
Colonel Sandurz One, two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
[Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look.]
Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Colonel Sandurz Yes sir.
And change the combination on my luggage!
[imitating Dark Helmet doll]
So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to! [Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [Lone Starr doll] Yes it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [makes a psh sound effect; Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!! [Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over; Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh![Helmet doll] And you too! [Dot doll] Aaargh!! [Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone, yet...I find you strangely attractive! [Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it! [Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! [Helmet doll] No, kiss me! [Vespa doll] No, no, yes, no, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhhhh... your helmet is so big... [Colonel Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz Lord Helmet!
Colonel Sandurz You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Knock on my door; knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz Yes, sir.
Colonel Sandurz No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Good!
[Spaceball One is at ludicrous speed, having passed Lone Starr's Winnebago]
We passed 'em; stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz We can't stop, it's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you, stop!!
Colonel Sandurz [Colonel Sandurz reaches out and uses the emergency brake, which has a "Never use" warning on it. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet up severely.]
Are you all right, sir?
Colonel Sandurz Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Yeah....
Colonel Sandurz What should we do now, sir?
Well...are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz We're stopped, sir.
Good. Why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz Very good, sir.
Smoke if you got 'em. (Falls over)
Sandurz [Spaceballs are literally combing the desert]
Sir.
Sandurz Are we being too literal?
[through the bullhorn]
No you fool, we're following orders, we were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it! [puts down bullhorn] Find anything yet?!
Soldier
Nothing yet, sir.
How about you?!
Soldier
Not a thing sir!
Soldier
We ain't found shit!
Radar Technichan
(Spaceball 1's radar has been jammed.) [Through P.A to Col. Sandurz]
Sir! [Sandurz and Dark Helmet look over] Can I see you for a minute, please sir?
Sandurz [Sandurz and Helmet walk over]
What is it Private?
Radar Technichan
[Still through the P.A]
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Sandurz [Sandurz grabs the microphone the Technichan was just using]
You don't need that, lieutenant. We're here. Now what is it?
Radar Technician
[Still through the P.A]
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Radar Technician
[Normally]
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
What's wrong with it?!
Radar Technician
I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.
The what?
Colonel Sandurz The what?
And the what?
Radar Techician
You know, the bleeps... [Makes beeping noise]... the sweeps... [Makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [Makes squeaking noise]
Radar Technician
Wait, sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... [Jam starts flowing through the computer screen] jammed!
Jammed... [Examines the jam and tastes it] Raspberry. There's only one man... [Sandurz gets out of the way of the approaching camera] ...who would dare give me the raspberry! [Pulls his mask down] Lone Starr! [Walks into the camera and collapses]
Colonel Sandurz Attention! This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
Have you found them yet?
Corporal
No, Lord Helmet, they're still not on the scanner.
Well, keep looking for them. [taking a couple sips of coffee through his helmet]
Colonel Sandurz Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. [to Corporal] Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Corporal
Yes, sir. [searches a Mr. Rental shelf full of Mel Brooks films and reading each title] The Producers, Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein...
Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?
Colonel Sandurz Yes, sir!
[lifts helmet and whispers to Colonel Sandurz and himself quietly]
How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz Well, that's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
There has?
Colonel Sandurz Yes! Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished!
Corporal
Here it is, sir! [takes out cassette and holds it] Spaceballs!
Colonel Sandurz Good work, Corporal, punch it up! [Corporal puts in tape and it shows an F.B.I. Anti-Piracy warning] That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Corporal
Preparing to fast-forward.
Colonel Sandurz Fast-forward!
Corporal
Fast-forwarding, sir!
[Corporal fast-forwards to the part where Dark Helmet has ignored Sandurz' warning to sit down and buckle up that leads to him denting his helmet severely] [about the part where he dented his helmet severely]
No-no-no, go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again. [sips coffee in embarrassment]
Colonel Sandurz Try here. Stop.
[Corporal stops the tape, then Dark Helmet and Sandurz come across an image of themselves viewing the screen. As they react, the screen mimics what they are doing]
What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!
Colonel Sandurz "Now." You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now [indicates himself and Helmet] is happening "now." [indicates the screen]
What happened to "then"?
Colonel Sandurz We passed "then."
When?
Colonel Sandurz Just now. We're at "now," now.
Go back to "then"!
Colonel Sandurz When?
Now!
Colonel Sandurz Now?
Now!
Colonel Sandurz I can't.
Why?!
Colonel Sandurz We missed it.
When?!
Colonel Sandurz Just now.
... When will "then" be "now"?
Colonel Sandurz Soon.
Corporal
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to a scene showing protagonists wandering in desert]
Sir!
What?!
Corporal
We have identified their location.
Where?!
Corporal
It's the moon of Vega!
Colonel Sandurz Good work, set a course and prepare for our arrival!
Corporal
1900 hours, sir!
Colonel Sandurz By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!
WHO?!! [mask falls down]
Helmet, what's going on?
Sandurz, what's going on?
Colonel Sandurz It's Mega Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
What? They're getting all the air back! Do something!
Colonel Sandurz [through microphone]
Do something!
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
You've got to stop it! Is there any way to stop it?
Colonel Sandurz I can't! It's irreversible!
Like my raincoat!
This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
"Cancellation button"?! Hurry!
[All three slide down the stairs to find the cancellation button]
Where is it?! Where is it?!
Colonel Sandurz It's gotta be here!
Colonel Sandurz [They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it]
"Out of order"?!
This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. [all three recoil in fear] Counting down. 10, 9, 8, 6-
6?! What happened to 7?!
Just kidding!
[Lone Starr accelerates the Winnebago] [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob mouth the numbers in horror]
7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [they all close their eyes and grimace] Have a nice day.
Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, President Skroob
[they open their eyes]
Thank you. [they close their eyes again]
[Eagle 5 escapes just in time and flies off as Mega Maid explodes]
