Dark Helmet [choking and gagging; pulls up mask]
I can't breathe in this thing!
Played by Rick Moranis 
Spaceballs (1987) · 120 quotes
Spaceballs (1987) · 120 quotes
Most-quoted character in Spaceballs (1987): in 41 of its 120 quotes
Most scenes with: Colonel Sandurz (17), President Skroob (6), Computer (3)
1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
More lines from Dark Helmet
15 quotes Dark Helmet Dark Helmet So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
Dark Helmet Yogurt! Yogurt! [referring to the character] I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries!
Dark Helmet I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you can handle it.
Dark Helmet What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
Dark Helmet [feeling the force of going at Ludicrous Speed]
My brains are going into my feet!
Dark Helmet [aiming his Schwartz ring at Lone Starr's crotch]
Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
Dark Helmet I'll bet she gives great helmet.
Dark Helmet Commence operation [pause] Vacu-suck.
Dark Helmet [Mr.Radar has just been "jammed".]
There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: [pulls down helmet as camera zooms in on his face] Lone Starr! [camera slams into his face and knocks him out]
Dark Helmet I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Dark Helmet Come back here, you fat bearded bitch!
Dark Helmet [After discovering that most of his ship's crew consists of members of the same Asshole family]
I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes!(Pulls down his helmet) Keep firing, Assholes!
Dark Helmet Aw, buckle this!
Dark Helmet Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!
Scenes with Dark Helmet
25 scenes
Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet [to audience]
Everybody got that?
We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico
I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet What? You went over my helmet?
Rico
Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
Rico
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Oh shit! Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, no, no, no! Not that!
Dark Helmet Yes, that. [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]
10, 9, 8, 6,
Dark Helmet Six? What happened to 7?
Just Kidding!
Dark Helmet No! We can't go in there! Yogurt has the Schwartz! It's far too powerful!
But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.
Dark Helmet Fire a warning shot across her nose.
Dark Helmet [Warning shot almost hits Vespa's Benz]
Careful, you idiot, I said across her nose, not up it.
Crosseyed Gunner
Sorry, sir, I'm doing my best.
Dark Helmet Who made that man a gunner?
Crosseyed Major
I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet Who is he?
He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet I know that! What's his name?
That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet And his cousin?
He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
Entire Bridge Crew
[The entire bridge crew, except for one person, stands up and raises a hand.]
Yo!
Dark Helmet I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes! [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!
Dark Helmet Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Very good sir.
Dark Helmet What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling, you call that a radar screen?
No sir, we call it 'Mr. Coffee'. Care for some?
Dark Helmet [pause]
Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
Of course, I do.
Dark Helmet Everybody knows that!
Crewmen
[covering their crotches]
Of course, we do, sir!
Dark Helmet Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Right here.
[Gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]
I don't know. They must have hyperjets on that thing!
Dark Helmet And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?!
No, sir!
Dark Helmet Well find them, catch them!
Yes sir! Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
Light speed too slow?
Dark Helmet Yes, we'll have to go right to...ludicrous speed!
[The entire crew gasps.]
Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it!
Dark Helmet What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?
[stuttering]
Prepare ship--prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo...
Dark Helmet Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed!
Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed! Go!!
Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Dark Helmet Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? How can there be a video cassette of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet There has?
Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
Dark Helmet What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet What happend to then?
We passed then.
Dark Helmet When?
Just now. Were at now, now.
Dark Helmet Go back to then!
When?
Dark Helmet Now.
Now?
Dark Helmet Now!
I can't.
Dark Helmet Why?
We missed it.
Dark Helmet When?
Just now.
Dark Helmet When will then be now?
Soon.
Dark Helmet How soon?
Corporal
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.]
Sir!
Dark Helmet What?!
Corporal
We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet Where?!
Corporal
It's the moon of Vega.
Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet [increasingly flustered]
When?!
Corporal
1900 hours.
By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet Who!! [mask falls down]
Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet [to Colonel Sandurz]
The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.
This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Cancellation button? Hurry!
Dark Helmet Where is it? Where is it?
It's gotta be here!
Dark Helmet [They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it.]
"Out of order!?" ****! Even in the future nothing works!
Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (Thinks about what he has just said, then nods in approval.)
Dark Helmet Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
What?
Dark Helmet I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. [1]
What's that make us?
Dark Helmet Absolutely nothing-—which is what you are about to become.
Dark Helmet So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
One, two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
[Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look.]
Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Yes sir.
And change the combination on my luggage!
Dark Helmet [imitating Dark Helmet doll]
So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to! [Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [Lone Starr doll] Yes it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [makes a psh sound effect; Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!! [Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over; Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh![Helmet doll] And you too! [Dot doll] Aaargh!! [Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone, yet...I find you strangely attractive! [Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it! [Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! [Helmet doll] No, kiss me! [Vespa doll] No, no, yes, no, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhhhh... your helmet is so big... [Colonel Sandurz bursts in]
Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet [Dark Helmet hurries to hide the dolls.]
What!!
You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet Knock on my door; knock next time!
Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet [pause]
Did you see anything?
No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet Good!
Ape Man 1
Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
Ape Man 2
Spaceballs!!
Ape Man 1
Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
Dark Helmet [Spaceball One is at ludicrous speed, having passed Lone Starr's Winnebago]
We passed 'em; stop this thing!
We can't stop, it's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
Dark Helmet Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you, stop!!
[Colonel Sandurz reaches out and uses the emergency brake, which has a "Never use" warning on it. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet up severely.]
Are you all right, sir?
Dark Helmet [slightly dazed]
Fine. How have you been?
Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet Yeah....
What should we do now, sir?
Dark Helmet Well...are we stopped?
We're stopped, sir.
Dark Helmet Good. Why don't we take a five minute break?
Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet Smoke if you got 'em. (Falls over)
Dark Helmet [about to use the bullhorn to the workers uses it on Sandurz instead]
What?
Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet [through the bullhorn]
No you fool, we're following orders, we were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it! [puts down bullhorn] Find anything yet?!
Soldier
Nothing yet, sir.
Dark Helmet How about you?!
Soldier
Not a thing sir!
Dark Helmet [camera pans to two soldiers using a mini comb]
What about you guys?!
Soldier
We ain't found shit!
Dark Helmet [after catching Vespa's car]
Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!
Spaceball
Jawohl Lord Helmet! [stands aside]
Dark Helmet So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transfered from your planet...to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! [immediately all Spaceballs in the room drop their guns and cover their crotches]
Radar Man
Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago.
Dark Helmet Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Starr![car's door slams on top of his helmet]
Radar Technichan
(Spaceball 1's radar has been jammed.) [Through P.A to Col. Sandurz]
Sir! [Sandurz and Dark Helmet look over] Can I see you for a minute, please sir?
Radar Technichan
[Still through the P.A]
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
[Sandurz grabs the microphone the Technichan was just using]
You don't need that, lieutenant. We're here. Now what is it?
Radar Technician [Still through the P.A]
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet [Helemet rips the microphone from the console and throws it aside.]
Now what is it?!
Radar Technician [Normally]
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Dark Helmet What's wrong with it?!
Radar Technician I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet The what?
The what?
Dark Helmet And the what?
Radar Techician
You know, the bleeps... [Makes beeping noise]... the sweeps... [Makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [Makes squeaking noise]
Dark Helmet [Quietly, to Sandurz]
That's not all he's lost.
Radar Technician Wait, sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... [Jam starts flowing through the computer screen] jammed!
Dark Helmet Jammed... [Examines the jam and tastes it] Raspberry. There's only one man... [Sandurz gets out of the way of the approaching camera] ...who would dare give me the raspberry! [Pulls his mask down] Lone Starr! [Walks into the camera and collapses]
Dark helmet [about to enter a pod when a lady with a beard cuts in front of him]
Hey hey hey, that's my pod, who are you?
Bearded Lady I am the bearded lady! What are you, one of the freaks?! [kicks him; and gets in the pod laughing]
Dark Helmet Wait! Wait! No! [the pod ejects] COME BACK HERE YOU FAT BEARDED BITCH!!
Dark Helmet Have you found them yet?
Corporal
No, Lord Helmet, they're still not on the scanner.
Dark Helmet Well, keep looking for them. [taking a couple sips of coffee through his helmet]
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. [to Corporal] Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Corporal
Yes, sir. [searches a Mr. Rental shelf full of Mel Brooks films and reading each title] The Producers, Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein...
Dark Helmet Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?
Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet [lifts helmet and whispers to Colonel Sandurz and himself quietly]
How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Well, that's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet There has?
Yes! Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished!
Dark Helmet [doubtfully]
Nah!
Corporal
Here it is, sir! [takes out cassette and holds it] Spaceballs!
Good work, Corporal, punch it up! [Corporal puts in tape and it shows an F.B.I. Anti-Piracy warning] That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Corporal
Preparing to fast-forward.
Fast-forward!
Corporal
Fast-forwarding, sir!
Dark Helmet [Corporal fast-forwards to the part where Dark Helmet has ignored Sandurz' warning to sit down and buckle up that leads to him denting his helmet severely] [about the part where he dented his helmet severely]
No-no-no, go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again. [sips coffee in embarrassment]
Try here. Stop.
Dark Helmet [Corporal stops the tape, then Dark Helmet and Sandurz come across an image of themselves viewing the screen. As they react, the screen mimics what they are doing]
What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!
"Now." You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now [indicates himself and Helmet] is happening "now." [indicates the screen]
Dark Helmet What happened to "then"?
We passed "then."
Dark Helmet When?
Just now. We're at "now," now.
Dark Helmet Go back to "then"!
When?
Dark Helmet Now!
Now?
Dark Helmet Now!
I can't.
Dark Helmet Why?!
We missed it.
Dark Helmet When?!
Just now.
Dark Helmet ... When will "then" be "now"?
Soon.
Dark Helmet [backpedals in shock]
How soon?
Corporal
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to a scene showing protagonists wandering in desert]
Sir!
Dark Helmet What?!
Corporal
We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet Where?!
Corporal
It's the moon of Vega!
Good work, set a course and prepare for our arrival!
Dark Helmet [increasingly panicked]
When?!
Corporal
1900 hours, sir!
By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!
Dark Helmet WHO?!! [mask falls down]
Ah, Planet Druidia, and 10,000 years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet [whispers to Colonel Sandurz]
The way he runs things, it won't last 100.
What was that?!
Dark Helmet Nothing!
Helmet, what's going on?
Dark Helmet Sandurz, what's going on?
It's Mega Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
What? They're getting all the air back! Do something!
Dark Helmet [to Sandurz]
Do something!
Dark Helmet [after accidentally hitting and killing one of the filming crew members with his Schwartzsaber]
Um, he did it. [points to Lone Starr]
What?!
This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
"Cancellation button"?! Hurry!
Dark Helmet [All three slide down the stairs to find the cancellation button]
Where is it?! Where is it?!
It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it]
"Out of order"?!
Dark Helmet [angrily]
****! Even in the future, nothing works!
This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. [all three recoil in fear] Counting down. 10, 9, 8, 6-
6?! What happened to 7?!
Just kidding!
[Lone Starr accelerates the Winnebago] [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob mouth the numbers in horror]
7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [they all close their eyes and grimace] Have a nice day.
Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, President Skroob
[they open their eyes]
Thank you. [they close their eyes again]
[Eagle 5 escapes just in time and flies off as Mega Maid explodes]
