Lone Starr On this ship, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!
Played by Bill Pullman 
Spaceballs (1987) · 120 quotes
Spaceballs (1987) · 120 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Spaceballs (1987): in 26 of its 120 quotes
Most scenes with: Barf (10), Dot Matrix (5), Vespa (4)
We're not just doing it for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!
More lines from Lone Starr
8 quotes Lone Starr Lone Starr Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
Lone Starr [waking up on the Tatooine-like moon of Vega and surrounded by the Dinks]
...Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
Lone Starr Just what we need... a Druish Princess!
Lone Starr Spaceballs? Forget it, too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.
Lone Starr [Talking on the Winnebago intercom to the passengers]
Buckle up back there, we're going into..."Hyperactive"!
Lone Starr Listen, you royal...highness. Take only what you need to survive. [Later, we see Lone Starr and Barf carrying the whole 'Royal Highness' Matched Luggage' across the desert...]
Lone Starr You know something, Princess? You're ugly when you're angry!
Scenes with Lone Starr
17 scenes Lone Starr Yogurt. What is this place? What is it that you do here?
Moichandising.
Merchandising? What's that?
Moichandising. Come! I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.
[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]
Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower... [fires a short blast from flame thrower]
Dinks
Oooooohhhh!
The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll, me.
Lone Starr I wonder: Will we ever see each other again?
Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.
Lone Starr Oh, great, that's just what we needed: a Druish princess!
Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Lone Starr Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (Thinks about what he has just said, then nods in approval.)
Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr What?
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. [1]
Lone Starr What's that make us?
Absolutely nothing-—which is what you are about to become.
How was that?
Lone Starr Not bad.
Not bad...for a girl.
Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!
Lone Starr [Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert.]
Water...water...
Oil...oil...
Room service...room service..
Lone Starr [Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss when Dot Matrix sounds an alarm.] [annoyed]
What the hell was that?
That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.
What the hell was that?
Lone Starr Spaceball One.
They've gone to plaid!
Guard:
[Lone Starr sneaks up behind a guard and grabs him by the neck.]
What hell are you doing?
Lone Starr The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard:
No, no stupid. You've got it much too high, it's more down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
Lone Starr Like this?
Guard
Yeah!
[The guard collapses.]
Man in diner
We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it we on Pluto", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies... Ha-ha! From the bark!"
Woman in diner (John Hurt's character convulses)
Oh my god, is he all right? Get some water!
Man in Diner
Water? Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!
Waitress
Oh, he had the special.
The sp... that's that I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr Good move.
John Hurt (chestburster emerges)
Oh no! Not again![2]
Lone Starr I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!
Vinnie [Vinnie appears on Lone Starr's video screen]
Hello, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?
Vinnie No-no-no-no-no. [twitches slightly] It's not what I want, it's what he wants.
Lone Starr and Barf
[Camera shifts slowly to the right to see Pizza the Hutt laughing]
Pizza the Hutt!
Pizza the Hutt [belches]
Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his sidekick, Puke.
That's Barf.
Pizza the Hutt Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
Lone Starr Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
Pizza the Hutt No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow.
Lone Starr A hundred thousand spacebucks? By tomorrow?
Pizza the Hutt A hundred thousand? [laughs derisively] No way! You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, uh...one million spacebucks.
Lone Starr A million?! That's unfair!
Pizza the Hutt Unfair to the pay-or, but not to the pay-ee. Ha-ha-ha. But you're gonna pay it, or else.
Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt Tell 'em, Vinnie.
Vinnie Or else, Pizza is gonna send out for you.
[When Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss, Dot Matrix's Virgin Alarm goes off]
Abandon ship! ABANDON SHIP! Women and Mawgs first! AGHH!
We'll have none of that, mister! [to Vespa] How far did he get? What'd he touch, what'd he touch?
Nothing happened.
Lone Starr [annoyed]
What the Hell was that noise?
That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.
[after accidentally hitting and killing one of the filming crew members with his Schwartzsaber]
Um, he did it. [points to Lone Starr]
Lone Starr What?!
Man 1 in diner
So, we were lost, none of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees, and then he said, "I got it. We on Pluto." And we said, "Harry, how can you tell?" He said, "From the bark, you dummies!" [laughs] From the bark!
Woman in diner [Kane from the film "Alien" convulses]
Is he all right?
Man 1 in Diner
Yeah, yeah, this guy digs me. Hey, what's wrong with this guy?
Man 2 in Diner
I don't know! Bring him some water!
Man 1 in Diner
Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!
Waitress
Oh, he had the special.
The s-[realizing] That's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr Good move.
Kane
[Kane continues groaning in pain until a Chestburster emerges] [in horror]
Oh, no! Not again! [dies]
Chestburster
[The Chestburster dons a straw hat and begins dancing his way out of the diner] [Singing]
Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my rag-time gal! Send me a kiss by wire; baby, my heart's on fire! If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me! Then you'll be left alone oh, baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your own! [walks out the door](Note this dance number/song is a spoof from 1955 classic cartoon One Froggy Evening/song is Hello! Ma Baby 1914 song
Check, please!
Lone Starr and Barf
[Barf opens a fortune cookie Yogurt gave to Lone Starr, triggering a holographic message]
Yogurt!
Hello, boys! Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
Lone Starr [overjoyed]
Hey, I'm a prince! I'm a prince! Which means-
Which means if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.
Bye, Yogurt!
Lone Starr And, Yogurt...thanks.
You're welcome. [drawn out, gradually fading away] AND MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOOOOUUU!...aaa-eee-aaa-eee-ooo, what a world, what a world... [fades out]
Priest
[Last lines]
Who are you?
I'm the best man.
Priest
What's your name?
Barf.
Priest
Your full name!
Barfolomew!
Priest
Are you the one that's getting married?
No.
Priest
THEN GET OVER THERE! Okay, here we go. The short, short version! Do you?
Lone Star
Yes.
Priest
Do you?
Yes!
Priest
Good! You're married! Kiss her!
Lone Starr I love you.
I love you.
Other characters in Spaceballs
More Bill Pullman characters
President Thomas Whitmore
Joseph Korso
Jack Wells
Fred
Jack
Former President Thomas Whitmore
Billy Boy Walker
Dr. James Harvey