Barf Look your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death; it's not us.
Played by John Candy 
Spaceballs (1987) · 120 quotes
Spaceballs (1987) · 120 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Spaceballs (1987): in 20 of its 120 quotes
Most scenes with: Lone Starr (10), Dot Matrix (4), Vespa (4)
I'm a Mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
More lines from Barf
7 quotes Barf Barf [Indicating the suitcases]
It's her royal highness's matched luggage!
Barf Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Barf [After Vespa blows away a group of Spaceballs]
Holy shit!
Barf Well, normally I would-- [tries to get up with his seatbelt still on] Oooh! That's gonna leave a mark.
Barf Nice dissolve.
Barf I'll have the cleavage, I mean the special.
Scenes with Barf
12 scenes
Yogurt. What is this place? What is it that you do here?
Moichandising.
Barf Merchandising? What's that?
Moichandising. Come! I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.
[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]
Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower... [fires a short blast from flame thrower]
Dinks
Oooooohhhh!
The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll, me.
Oh, great, that's just what we needed: a Druish princess!
Barf Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
How was that?
Not bad.
Barf Not bad...for a girl.
Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!
Priest
Who are you?
Barf I'm the best man.
Priest
What's your name?
Barf Barf.
Priest
Your full name!
Barf Bartholomew!
Priest
Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf No.
Priest
Then get over there!
Who are you?
Barf Barf!
Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
Barf What the hell was that?
Spaceball One.
Barf They've gone to plaid!
Man in diner
We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it we on Pluto", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies... Ha-ha! From the bark!"
Woman in diner (John Hurt's character convulses)
Oh my god, is he all right? Get some water!
Man in Diner
Water? Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!
Barf (John Hurt starts groaning in pain)
Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress
Oh, he had the special.
Barf The sp... that's that I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Good move.
John Hurt (chestburster emerges)
Oh no! Not again![2]
Vinnie [Vinnie appears on Lone Starr's video screen]
Hello, Lone Starr.
Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?
Vinnie No-no-no-no-no. [twitches slightly] It's not what I want, it's what he wants.
Lone Starr and Barf
[Camera shifts slowly to the right to see Pizza the Hutt laughing]
Pizza the Hutt!
Pizza the Hutt [belches]
Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his sidekick, Puke.
Barf That's Barf.
Pizza the Hutt Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
Pizza the Hutt No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow.
A hundred thousand spacebucks? By tomorrow?
Pizza the Hutt A hundred thousand? [laughs derisively] No way! You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, uh...one million spacebucks.
A million?! That's unfair!
Pizza the Hutt Unfair to the pay-or, but not to the pay-ee. Ha-ha-ha. But you're gonna pay it, or else.
Barf Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt Tell 'em, Vinnie.
Vinnie Or else, Pizza is gonna send out for you.
Barf [When Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss, Dot Matrix's Virgin Alarm goes off]
Abandon ship! ABANDON SHIP! Women and Mawgs first! AGHH!
We'll have none of that, mister! [to Vespa] How far did he get? What'd he touch, what'd he touch?
Nothing happened.
That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.
Man 1 in diner
So, we were lost, none of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees, and then he said, "I got it. We on Pluto." And we said, "Harry, how can you tell?" He said, "From the bark, you dummies!" [laughs] From the bark!
Woman in diner [Kane from the film "Alien" convulses]
Is he all right?
Man 1 in Diner
Yeah, yeah, this guy digs me. Hey, what's wrong with this guy?
Man 2 in Diner
I don't know! Bring him some water!
Man 1 in Diner
Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!
Barf [Kane starts groaning in pain]
Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress
Oh, he had the special.
Barf The s-[realizing] That's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Good move.
Kane
[Kane continues groaning in pain until a Chestburster emerges] [in horror]
Oh, no! Not again! [dies]
Chestburster
[The Chestburster dons a straw hat and begins dancing his way out of the diner] [Singing]
Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my rag-time gal! Send me a kiss by wire; baby, my heart's on fire! If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me! Then you'll be left alone oh, baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your own! [walks out the door](Note this dance number/song is a spoof from 1955 classic cartoon One Froggy Evening/song is Hello! Ma Baby 1914 song
Lone Star and Barf Check, please!
Lone Starr and Barf
[Barf opens a fortune cookie Yogurt gave to Lone Starr, triggering a holographic message]
Yogurt!
Hello, boys! Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
Which means if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.
Barf Bye, Yogurt!
And, Yogurt...thanks.
You're welcome. [drawn out, gradually fading away] AND MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOOOOUUU!...aaa-eee-aaa-eee-ooo, what a world, what a world... [fades out]
Priest
[Last lines]
Who are you?
Barf I'm the best man.
Priest
What's your name?
Barf Barf.
Priest
Your full name!
Barf Barfolomew!
Priest
Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf No.
Priest
THEN GET OVER THERE! Okay, here we go. The short, short version! Do you?
Lone Star
Yes.
Priest
Do you?
Yes!
Priest
Good! You're married! Kiss her!
I love you.
I love you.
