John Candy movie quotes

View Quote [serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday] You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.

View Quote [struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not.

View Quote Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God-damndest things

View Quote I'm a Mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.

View Quote [Indicating the suitcases] It's her royal highness's matched luggage!

View Quote Look your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death; it's not us.

View Quote Our Father, who art in Calgary, Bobsled be thy name. Thy kingdom come, gold medals won, on Earth as it is in Turn Seven. With Liberty and Justice for Jamaica and Haile Selassie. Amen.

View Quote Oh, yeah, just one little drawback to this delightful winter sport. The high-speed crash. Ooh! That hurt. Always remember, your bones will not break in a bobsled. No, no, no. They shatter.

View Quote What's the matter, you guys cold? It's not so much the heat but the humidity that will kill you.

View Quote Welcome to... Albatross Air! "A fair fare from here to there." Ha ha, you get it? "A fair fare..." It's a play on... Never mind.

View Quote Tie your kangaroos down, sports fans! HERE... WE... COME!

View Quote Throw another shrimp on the barbie, girls, 'cause HERE I COME!

View Quote Del: Boy, you are one lucky guy, Neal.
Neal: I know.
Del: I won't stay long. Maybe I'll just say hi, then be on my way.
Neal: Just come on.

View Quote State Trooper: What the hell are you driving here?
Del: We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.
Trooper: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Del: Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.
Trooper: Seventy-eight miles an hour.
Del: Yeah, I can buy that. You would know better than us, especially with a melted speedometer.
Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del: Yes, I do. I really do. I know it's not pretty to look at, but it'll get you where you wanna go.
Trooper: You have no outside mirror.
Del: No, we lost that.
Trooper: You have no functioning gauges.
Del: No, not a one. However, the radio still works!

View Quote Neal: You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room and someone who will listen to your boring stories. I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like hey, maybe this guy is not enjoying it? You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that, that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that! They're not even amusing accidentally! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith. He's got some amusing anecdotes for ya. Oh, and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I-I could tolerate any, any insurance seminar, for days. I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can ya stand it?" And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest. You know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except that I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would. And by the way, you know, when, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea. Have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
Del: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

View Quote Bartender: He's been struck by lightning... how many times has it been now, Reg?
Reg: S-s-s-s-s-s-s-six...
Chet: Six times?
Reg: S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sixty-sixty-six times. In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n the head!

View Quote [Chet getting pulled behind the boat on water-skis]
Chet: You bastard, you bastard!
Roman: I think he's saying go faster.

View Quote Chet: And by the way, don't try to steal any of our stuff on your way out!
Kate: Stuff? What stuff is there to steal?
Connie: Oh, we got stuff!
Kate: You're a louse!
Connie: Well, why don't you go find yourself a spin cycle!
Chet: Yeah, go find yourself a spin cycle! (turning to Connie) What the hell does that mean?

View Quote Lasky: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could poke an eye out with this thing.
Lasky: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

View Quote Lasky: Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once.
Rusty: What happened?
Lasky: I threw up.

View Quote Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.

View Quote Just a figment of my imagination. The cat's stewing you, I told him. You got the right ta-ta, but the wrong ho-ho. Bertrand is not Shaw, scout's honor. And you can tell him I said so.

View Quote If I answer that question you keep asking. If I give you the name of the big enchilada, then it's bon voyage, Deano. Like a bullet in my head, you dig? You're a mouse fighting a gorilla. Kennedy's as dead as that crab meat, the government's alive and breathing.

View Quote You as crazy as your mama. Goes to show it's in the genes. Do you know what you're getting into? The government will jump all over your head and go ****-a-doodle-doo.