Allen Bauer She's really hungry.
Explaining why his date (a mermaid in human form) was eating an entire lobster - including the shell.
Played by Tom Hanks 
Splash (1984) · 26 quotes
Splash (1984) · 26 quotes
Most-quoted character in Splash (1984): in 16 of its 26 quotes
Most scenes with: Freddie Bauer (5), Madison (4)
I am not a fish! How many times do I have to tell you people that? Now, will just let me outta here? Please? Huh? People?
Said while standing naked in a tank with wires trailing from his body.
More lines from Allen Bauer
3 quotes Allen Bauer Allen Bauer It just so happens I come from a very long line of married people.
Allen Bauer [depressed and intoxicated]
Do I expect too much out of life? [...] I don't ask that much, do I? I mean, I don't ask to be famous, rich, or play center field for the New York Yankees, or anything. I just want to meet a woman. I want to meet a woman. And I wanna fall in love, and I want to get married, and I wanna have a kid, and I wanna go see him play a tooth in the school play. It's not much. But I'm kidding myself. This is never going to happen. I'm gonna grow old, and I'm... grow lonely, and I'm gonna die. And I'll be surrounded by a bunch of rotten fruit.
Scenes with Allen Bauer
12 scenes Allen Bauer Are there any messages?
Mrs. Stimler Oh, yes. [goes back to typing]
Allen Bauer [pause]
And they are?
Mrs. Stimler Oh, your father called, he wants you to call him back.
Allen Bauer [pauses]
Mrs. Stimler, our father passed away about five years ago. Do you remember?
Mrs. Stimler [confused look]
Right. Shall I ring him for you?
Allen Bauer No, thank you.
Wedding Guest
[Allen is an usher at a wedding and has recently ended a relationship]
Hey, Allen! Where's Victoria?
Allen Bauer She's not coming! What, do you want your money back?!
Wedding Guest
Hey, Allen!
Allen Bauer She left me! She moved out and my life's shambles, all right? That's the news, you want the weather? Anywhere but the first three rows!
Allen Bauer You know by the time I got there, she was already gone.
Victoria left, huh?
Allen Bauer Yeah. You know why she left, Freddie? Because I didn't love her.
That bitch.
Allen Bauer [drunk]
I don't ask for much. I don't ask to be rich, and I don't ask to be famous, and I don't ask to play center field for the New York Yankees. I just want to get married and have a wife, and a house, and have a kid, and I want to go see him be a tooth in the school field.
[Allen has passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl]
You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.
Allen Bauer No, no, Freddie! I don't want to get drunk!
But you are drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.
Bartender
Is he gonna be up there all day?
I don't know.
Allen Bauer [coming to]
Ohh... I'm on the bar!
Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.
There's a guy down the beach that runs people out to the island.
Allen Bauer What's the name?
The guy or the island?
Allen Bauer I'll find him.
Allen Bauer What is your name?
It's hard to say in English.
Allen Bauer Then just say it in your language.
All right. My name is...
Allen Bauer [high-pitched squeels that shatter all the television screens] [nervously to the clerks]
So, how about those Knicks?
Allen Bauer All right, Madison, now this is getting scary. If you don't open this, I'm going to break it down! All right, that's it! [busts the door open to see Madison laying on the bathroom floor] Why wouldn't you let me in?
I was... shy.
Allen Bauer You were shy? After the cab, the elevator, and on top of the refrigerator, you were shy?
Allen Bauer [to himself]
She was shy.
Allen Bauer Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.
She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from being arrested, you know?
Allen Bauer Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?
Well I'm in for it, of course.
You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand.
Allen Bauer Yeah...but...
You thought at least I was a human being.
Allen Bauer Yeah, get me outta here!
Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine?
Reporters
No.
Then we ain't talkin'.
Allen Bauer I don't understand. All my life, I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish.
Nobody said love's perfect.
Allen Bauer Oh, Freddie, I don't expect it to be perfect! But for God's sake, it's usually human! Every day, people meet, they fall in love, every day! And look at what I got.
[angrily]
Yeah, let's look at what you got. Let's take a good look at what you got. People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?
Allen Bauer Yeah.
Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving youself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never be that happy. I'll never be that happy! [pause] What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything. Mrs. Stimler. [leaves the office]
Allen Bauer I didn't even like you when I first you.
Nobody likes me when they first meet me.
Allen...
