Freddie Bauer [excitedly waving a Penthouse magazine]
They published my letter. Here it is "A lesbian no more". They published my letter.
Played by John Candy 
Splash (1984) · 26 quotes
Splash (1984) · 26 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Splash (1984): in 7 of its 26 quotes
Most scenes with: Allen Bauer (5)
Scenes with Freddie Bauer
7 scenes Freddie Bauer 
You know by the time I got there, she was already gone.
Freddie Bauer Victoria left, huh?
Yeah. You know why she left, Freddie? Because I didn't love her.
Freddie Bauer That bitch.
[drunk]
I don't ask for much. I don't ask to be rich, and I don't ask to be famous, and I don't ask to play center field for the New York Yankees. I just want to get married and have a wife, and a house, and have a kid, and I want to go see him be a tooth in the school field.
Freddie Bauer [Allen has passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl]
You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.
Freddie Bauer [Allen remains comatose]
Bartender, Another round for my friend and I here!
No, no, Freddie! I don't want to get drunk!
Freddie Bauer But you are drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.
Bartender
Is he gonna be up there all day?
Freddie Bauer I don't know.
Freddie Bauer Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.
Freddie Bauer [Allen slips and falls to the floor]
Uh-oh, you fell.
Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.
Freddie Bauer She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from being arrested, you know?
Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?
Freddie Bauer Well I'm in for it, of course.
Freddie Bauer [Allen is being mobbed by reporters]
Allen, you all right?
Yeah, get me outta here!
Freddie Bauer Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine?
Reporters
No.
Freddie Bauer Then we ain't talkin'.
Freddie Bauer [Allen sees his employees staring at him.]
What are you looking at? You never saw a guy who slept with a fish before? Get back to work!
Mrs. Stimler [Allen and Freddie are about to enter the office] [to Allen]
Oh Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages. I wrote them down here. You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP, UPI, Time, Ted Turner, Newsweek, Marineland, Ripley's Believe it or Not, and Mrs. Paul.
Freddie Bauer Not now, Mrs. Stimler. All right.
I don't understand. All my life, I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish.
Freddie Bauer Nobody said love's perfect.
Oh, Freddie, I don't expect it to be perfect! But for God's sake, it's usually human! Every day, people meet, they fall in love, every day! And look at what I got.
Freddie Bauer [angrily]
Yeah, let's look at what you got. Let's take a good look at what you got. People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?
Yeah.
Freddie Bauer Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving youself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never be that happy. I'll never be that happy! [pause] What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything. Mrs. Stimler. [leaves the office]
