N Neal
Hey, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so...
Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth. You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut. If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chops.
N Neal
You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room and someone who will listen to your boring stories. I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like hey, maybe this guy is not enjoying it? You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that, that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that! They're not even amusing accidentally! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith. He's got some amusing anecdotes for ya. Oh, and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it." I-I could tolerate any, any insurance seminar, for days. I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can ya stand it?" And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest. You know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except that I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would. And by the way, you know, when, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea. Have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
N Neal
[in bed in the hotel room, Neal and Del are holding hands as they awaken]
Del, why did you kiss my ear?
Why are you holding my hand?
N Neal
Where's your other hand?
N Neal
Those aren't pillows!
N Neal
[both scream in shock and get out of bed, grossed out, then soon shake it off and pretend to forget about it]
See that Bears game last week?
Yeah. Hell of a game. Hell of a game.
N Neal
Bears got a great team this year. They're gonna go all the way.
[at breakfast, Neal finds his wallet empty and glares at Del]
What?
N Neal
You know goddamn well what.
N Neal
I had over $700 in here.
I didn't touch your dough, Neal. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a thief.
N Neal
Well, you went into my stuff last night, right?
I didn't take your money! And I don't care for the accusation.
N Neal
Well, I had over $700 in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to...
[places his wallet on the table]
Count it.
N Neal
Oh, like you'd keep it in there if you stole it.
There's $263 in there. If there's a dollar more, then you can call me a thief. Just count it.
N Neal
[checks Del's wallet, hands it back]
Empty.
What?! [checks his wallet]
N Neal
[sarcastically]
Do ya think so?
CR Car Rental Agent
[at the car rental agency, after Neal finds the rental car he was assigned is not in the expected spot]
Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?
N Neal
[indignantly]
Yes.
A Agent
How may I help you?
N Neal
You can start by wiping that **** dumbass smile off your rosy **** cheeks. Then you can give me a **** automobile. A **** Datsun, a **** Toyota, a **** Mustang, a **** Buick — Four **** wheels and a seat!
A Agent
I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.
N Neal
And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of **** nowhere with **** keys to a **** car that isn't **** there. And I really didn't care to **** walk down a **** highway and across a **** runway to get back here to have you smile at my **** face. I want a **** car right **** now.
A Agent
May I see your rental agreement?
N Neal
It's been a hell of a trip.
N Neal
But, uh, after all is said and done, you did get me home.
Next time, let's go first class, all right?
N Neal
God, I hope there isn't a next time.
I know what you mean! I really do. This you?
It's been great meeting you, Neal, it really has. Again, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.
N Neal
Oh, no, you didn't cause me any trouble. You got me home, and, uh... a little late.
N Neal
But, uh... I'm a little wiser, too.
Same to you. Happy Thanksgiving, Neal. Give my love to the family, will you? Maybe I'll get a chance to meet 'em one day.
N Neal
Say hello to Marie for me. I feel like I know her.
N Neal
So... okay. And, uh, you have a happy Thanksgiving.
[Neal boards the train, but starts thinking back to things he and Neal said and did together]
I like-- I like me. My wife likes me.
N Neal
At the very least, the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?
N Neal
I've been spending too much time away from home.
I haven't been home in years. [echoing] I haven't been home in years. I haven't been home in years.
