Mel Brooks movie quotes

View Quote 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!

View Quote Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big?!

View Quote I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!

View Quote Lone Starr: I wonder: Will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

View Quote Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

View Quote Lone Starr: Yogurt. What is this place? What is it that you do here?
Yogurt: Moichandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Moichandising. Come! I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.
[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]
Yogurt: Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower... [fires a short blast from flame thrower]
Dinks: Oooooohhhh!
Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll, me.
[Yogurt squeezes the doll, which says "May the Schwartz be with you!"]
Yogurt: Adorable.

View Quote Torquemada: It's better to loose your skullcap than your skull.
Jewish Prisoners: Oy! Oy! Gavolt!

View Quote Monks: Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?
Torquemada: I just got back from the Auto de fé!
Monks: Auto de fé? What's an Auto de fé?
Torquemada: It's what you oughtn't to do, but you do anyway.

View Quote Torquemada: How we doin', any converts today?
Guards: Not a one, nay nay nay.
Torquemada: We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns, nothing is working! Send in the nuns!

View Quote Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
Comicus: Miracle. Uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin.
Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that.

View Quote Roman Officer: [offscreen] Seize him!
Josephus: [grabbing his crotch] Seize THIS, honkus!
Comicus: [covering his mouth] NO! Don't ever say that to the cops!
Roman Officer: ARREST HIM! [his guards do so] Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen? [the crowd starts shouting and raising hands] Okay, you...You had your hand up first.
Onlooker 1: Death by torture!
Roman Officer: No. You?
Onlooker 2: Crucifixion!
Roman Officer: Wrong. How about you?
Onlooker 3: They shove a living snake up your ass!
Roman Officer: [surprised] Wow...! Ah, no; but that's very creative. How about you?
Onlooker 4: They send you to the lions!
Roman Officer: Right!
Miriam: [alarmed] NO!
Roman Officer: What do you mean, no? He was correct; if a slave decks a Roman citizen, the slave is lion-chow!

View Quote Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, so you say. But one who sits amongst has already betrayed me this night.
Various Apostles: Who? Who? Who? Who could it be?
Comicus: Judas! [Judas yells in fright] Do you want a beverage? Try the mulled wine, it's terrific!
Judas: No! Leave us alone!
Various Apostles: Go on! Leave! Get out of here!
Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!
Jesus: Yes.
Comicus: What?
Jesus: What?
Comicus: What?!
Jesus: Yes.
Comicus: Jesus!
Jesus: What?
Comicus: Yes!
Jesus: What?
Comicus: You said "what".
Jesus: What?
Comicus: [gives up] Nothing.

View Quote Rodney: Mr. Bigweld, are you okay?
Bigweld: I'm the prettiest girl at the Harvest Moon Ball!
Rodney: I'll take that as a "no"!

View Quote Bigweld: [sings in a deep distorted voice while being repaired by Rodney] Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer-
Rodney: Okay, got it!
Bigweld: Rodney! What's going on? Where are we?
Rodney: It's okay, you're alright!

View Quote [Bigweld has been taken hostage by Madame Gasket and is a few steps away from being incinerated]
Bigweld: Gasket, you're a sick, twisted, evil robot.
Madame Gasket: [flattered, in a sing-song voice and fluttering her eyelashes] I try.

View Quote Jonathan Harker: [Entering Lucy's crypt and seeing her body] Oh, God... she's dead now.
Van Helsing: No, she's not!
Jonathan Harker: She's alive?
Van Helsing: She's Nosferatu!
Jonathan Harker: She's Italian?

View Quote Dr. Seward: Allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as a man of theology and philosophy.
Van Helsing: And gynecology.
Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you have your hand in that, too.

View Quote Jonathan Harker: [having just been told to drive a stake into Lucy] Oh, this is horrid. Is there no other way?
Van Helsing: Well, we could cut off her head, stuff her mouth with garlic, and tear off her ears.
Jonathan Harker: ...Give me the stake. No. No, I can't... you do it.
Van Helsing: It must be done by one who loved her in life.
Jonathan Harker: I only liked her!
Van Helsing: Close enough!
[Jonathan is about to stake Lucy's heart]
Van Helsing: One, two—WAIT! [Van Helsing slinks back behind a pillar] NOW!
[Jonathan drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker: Oh no... I can't...
Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?
[Jonathan hits the stake again and is hit with even more blood than last time]
Van Helsing: She's almost dead!
Jonathan Harker: She's dead enough. Oh! This is - this is ghastly!
Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!

View Quote [observing Johnny's costume, based on the 1992 film of Dracula] What's that thing on your head? Looks like my grandmother's boobies!

View Quote [freezing Bela from harming Johnny] Don't ever come near me or my family again. [shrinks Bela]

View Quote Murray: [scared] Aah! Please don't kill me! [in a calmer voice] I mean, yo, V. What's up?
Vlad: Talking toilet paper. Well, that's a new one.

View Quote Robin Hood: You've just entered the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman: [makes a suggestive wave of his hand] Faigelehs?
Robin Hood: No, no, we're straight, just merry.
Rabbi Tuckman: Azoy?

View Quote Robin Hood: You've just entered the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman: [makes a suggestive wave of his hand] Feygeles?
Robin Hood: No, no, we're straight, just merry.
Rabbi Tuckman: Azoy. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
Robin Hood: I am Robin of Loxley.
Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!

View Quote Rabbi Tuckman: Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?
King Richard: I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right. [hands the rabbi his sword] Hold this, Father.
Rabbi Tuckman: Rabbi.
King Richard: Whatever.
[tilts Maid Marian and gives her a very long kiss]
Rabbi Tuckman: [impressed] It's good to be the king.
King Richard: Now... [voice squeaking] you may marry them!
Rabbi Tuckman: Thank you. Here's your knife.
King Richard: Sword.
Rabbi Tuckman: Whatever.