Dr. Seward
Would an enema help?
3rd most-quoted character in Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995): in 7 of its 35 quotes
Most scenes with: Van Helsing (3), Renfield (2)
Scenes with Dr. Seward
7 scenes
Dr. Seward
Allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as a man of theology and philosophy.
And gynecology.
Dr. Seward
Oh, I didn't know you have your hand in that, too.
[Count Dracula meets up with Van Helsing]
Van Helsing... a name that is famous even in Translyvania.
Dracula... are you by any chance descended from Vlad Tepeş, the first Dracula?
Dr. Seward
Tepeş?
Yes, it means "the Impaler". He used to inflict horrendous tortures on the peasants; he gouged out their eyes, cut off their heads and stuck their bodies on iron spikes.
They had it coming!
Dr. Seward
[Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it]
I was just telling Ma—what was that?
Huh?
Dr. Seward
You just grabbed something from the table.
I did not.
Dr. Seward
Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.
Dr. Seward
Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.
Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.
Dr. Seward
[The two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up]
How silly of me! It must have been my imagin—there, you did it again!
Huh?
Dr. Seward
You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!
I did not.
Dr. Seward
Yes, you did.
I did not.
Dr. Seward
Yes, you did.
I did not.
Dr. Seward
[shouts]
I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right out of the air and eat it!
A spider?
[A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. He intentionally throws his fork]
Oh! Dropped my fork! [gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect]
Dr. Seward
Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there? This is most unseemly!
Fork found! [Comes back up] Sorry for the delay.
Dr. Seward
[The grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wriggling about]
My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!
...What makes you say that?
Dr. Seward
I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!
Out of my mouth?
Dr. Seward
Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wriggling about!
Don't be ridiculous! Wriggling!
Dr. Seward
I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wriggling all over the place! The poor thing, it's fighting for its life!
[Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, which has fallen from his mouth and quickly scoops it up]
I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!
Dr. Seward
Me, ranting? You're the ranter!
Dr. Seward
[Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table. Renfield is soon grabbed by two asylum attendants.]
That's it! Put him in a straight jacket and give him an enema! Wait! Wait, wait... Give him the enema FIRST. THEN put him in a straight jacket.
Dr. Seward
Give him an enema.
Attendant
[Attendant looks taken aback.]
An enema, sir?.
Dr. Seward
Yes, it'll give him a feeling of accomplishment.
[Van Helsing telling Dr. Seward and Jonathan Harker of Lucy's prognosis]
What we are dealing with here is... a VAMPIRE!
Dr. Seward
Vampire?
Vampire? What are you saying?
I'm saying, vampire!
Dr. Seward
But professor, modern sciences don't admit to such a fanciful creature!
Modern sciences pish posh! She has lost a great deal of blood, ja?
Ja...
Well look! [walks to Lucy's bedside] where did all the blood go? Look at the sheets, the pillowcase, her nightgown! Do you see anything? How does your modern science explain zhat? Can you explain zhat? Can you explain zhat?
Dr. Seward
I can't explain zhat.
I can't explain zhat.
NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN ZHAT!
Dr. Seward
Your master is gone forever Mr. Renfield. You are your own man now.
I am...?
Dr. Seward
Yes. No one can ever control you again.
Dr. Seward
Good. Come, Renfield!