Ape Man 1
Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
Ape Man 2
Spaceballs!!
Ape Man 1
Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
Dark Helmet
Rick Moranis · 41 quotes
Lone Starr
Bill Pullman · 26 quotes
Colonel Sandurz
George Wyner · 21 quotes
Barf
John Candy · 20 quotes
President Skroob
Mel Brooks · 16 quotes
Dot Matrix
11 quotes
Vespa
Daphne Zuniga · 8 quotes
Computer
4 quotes
Yogurt
Mel Brooks · 4 quotes
Most scenes together: Dark Helmet & Colonel Sandurz (17), Lone Starr & Barf (10), Dark Helmet & President Skroob (6)
Spaceballs quotes
Page 2 of 8What the hell was that?
Spaceball One.
They've gone to plaid!
Captain of the Guard You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
Attention! This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
I don't know. They must have hyperjets on that thing!
And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?!
No, sir!
Well find them, catch them!
Yes sir! Prepare ship for light speed!
No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
Light speed too slow?
Yes, we'll have to go right to...ludicrous speed!
[The entire crew gasps.]
Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it!
What's the matter Colonel Sandurz... chicken?
[stuttering]
Prepare ship--prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo...
Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed!
Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed! Go!!
Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? How can there be a video cassette of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
There has?
Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico
I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
What? You went over my helmet?
Rico
Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
Rico
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Oh shit! Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, no, no, no! Not that!
Yes, that. [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]
Commanderette Zircon
Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
I don't know about that beaming stuff...Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon
Oh yes sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
You've got to stop it! Is there any way to stop it?
I can't! It's irreversible!
Like my raincoat!
This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Cancellation button? Hurry!
Where is it? Where is it?
It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it.]
"Out of order!?" ****! Even in the future nothing works!
This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
"Cancellation button"?! Hurry!
[All three slide down the stairs to find the cancellation button]
Where is it?! Where is it?!
It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it]
"Out of order"?!
This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. [all three recoil in fear] Counting down. 10, 9, 8, 6-
6?! What happened to 7?!
Just kidding!
[Lone Starr accelerates the Winnebago] [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob mouth the numbers in horror]
7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [they all close their eyes and grimace] Have a nice day.
Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, President Skroob
[they open their eyes]
Thank you. [they close their eyes again]
[Eagle 5 escapes just in time and flies off as Mega Maid explodes]
10, 9, 8, 6,
Six? What happened to 7?
Just Kidding!
[about to enter a pod when a lady with a beard cuts in front of him]
Hey hey hey, that's my pod, who are you?
Bearded Lady I am the bearded lady! What are you, one of the freaks?! [kicks him; and gets in the pod laughing]
Wait! Wait! No! [the pod ejects] COME BACK HERE YOU FAT BEARDED BITCH!!
[after catching Vespa's car]
Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!
Spaceball
Jawohl Lord Helmet! [stands aside]
So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transfered from your planet...to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! [immediately all Spaceballs in the room drop their guns and cover their crotches]
Radar Man
Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago.
Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Starr![car's door slams on top of his helmet]