Jason Lee movie quotes

View Quote Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.

View Quote Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like "BJ and the Bear"? Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.

View Quote You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.

View Quote All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.

View Quote [showing one of his porno magazines to a kid at the train station] And then, Black Beauty couldn't take it any more and he finally did some of his own mounting.

View Quote [on receiving lovemaking instruction] Like CNN and the Weather Channel: constant updates.

View Quote I knew you couldn't do it, even when you have nothing to lose. You're weak! And I've outgrown you.

View Quote [After Elastigirl's plane is destroyed] Ah, you'll get over it. I seem to recall you prefer to... "work alone"?

View Quote It tore me apart, but I've learned an important lesson. You can't count on anyone. Especially your heroes.

View Quote Excuse me, why do you people have pantyhose on your heads?

View Quote Ladies and gentlemen, this is Simon Barsinister, the wickedest man in the world. He was evil and crazy. Simon and his wacky henchmen, Cad, schemed to rule the universe. But each time, they were foiled by me, the greatest superhero who ever lived... Underdog!

View Quote Turns out, Barsinister didn't want me. He wanted my DNA. He took away my superpowers and put them in a little blue pill but that wasn't the worst of it.

View Quote No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater, than central air.

View Quote Have you ever been to Hell, human? I think not.

View Quote Quit killing people. That's high profile.

View Quote Banky: Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer.
Chaka: Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte - De-Crackinate it. Okay, ****y?
Banky: Actually, it's Banky.
Chaka: No, it is ****y.

View Quote [about Jay]
Banky: Your friend's a **** clown shoe, you know that?
Silent Bob: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.

View Quote [after the "Bluntman & Chronic" premiere]
Banky: God, I'm so embarrassed.
Hooper: You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.

View Quote And on that note, we cue the music.

View Quote [to a customer at his comic shop, bending a comic's spine] It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.

View Quote Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.
Jay: What? Since when?
Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

View Quote "Rock 'n' roll can save the world"? "The chicks are great"? I sound like a dick! I never said that!

View Quote I've studied the entire history of music. And for the most part, the good stuff is the popular stuff. Show me a guy who says he doesn't want to be popular, and I'll show you a scared guy. It's easy to say popularity sucks, because that allows you to forgive yourself if you suck. And I don't forgive myself. Do you?

View Quote It's okay! I'm easy to forget! Just leave me behind! I'm only the **** lead singer!

View Quote Jeanette: Is that safe?
Simon: No, it is absolutely not.
Alvin: When I say "party", you say "Alvin". Party!
Party People: Alvin!
Alvin: Party!
Dave and the Party People: Alvin!
Alvin: Party!
Dave: ALVIN!

View Quote Alvin: Did you guys hear that?
Miles: Hear what?
Alvin: Huh. Never mind.
Miles: Guys, last night was one of the best nights of my life.
Alvin: It was pretty crazy.
Theodore: Even that Suggs guy hung out with us.
Alvin: Yeah, he's not that bad after all.
Simon: Hey! We missed a call from Dave. And a text. 27 of them.
Theodore: Uh-oh!
Miles: Oh-no.
Alvin: This where they told us to meet them, right?
Theodore: Well, yelled at us to meet them.
Miles: Hopefully they had time to cool off on the plane.
Dave: There you are.
Simon: Dave!
Alvin: Dave!
Miles: Mom!
Dave: Don't "Dave, Mom" us.
Samantha: You know what, Dave? You're an artist, and you're emotional... and you follow your heart, but maybe I should take the lead one this one. You know, we keep a level head. Throw them a little Good Cop. Okay.
Dave: Okay.
Samantha: [to Miles and the Chipmunks] Don't you "Dave, Mom" us. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is... to find out that your children are 2,000 miles away from where they're supposed to be? You are lucky that there are witnesses, [Everyone heard everything] because I am so mad right now... that I could just spit! Right here, on this floor!
Dave: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Nice Good Cop.
Alvin: Dave, I swear, it wasn't as crazy as it looked on TV.
Dave: Oh, really? Well, let me just pull up some of Theodore's tweets from last night. "Only one word to describe this night, "Crazy, crazy, crazy,crazy." Or, "if you wanna get crazy, "go to New Orleans. It's the craziest." Or, "In a New Orleans Jazz Parade, "so crazy."
Simon: We're really sorry, Dave.
Dave: Sorry's not gonna cut it this time, guys. If were up to me, we'd be going home, but I gotta get back to Miami. Do not smile. You guys are grounded in Miami and also when we get back to LA.
Alvin: [scoffs] When are we not grounded?
Dave: You'll be so old, your fur will be gray.
Samantha: Yeah, that goes for your fur too, Miles.
Miles: I don't have fur.
Samantha: Well, whatever you have is grounded... for a long time. Let's go.
Alvin: Huh. They didn't kill us after all
Miles: Feels like a win.

View Quote [Dave and the chipmunks arrive home]
Alvin: Hey, official and legal dad?
Dave: Yes, official and legal son?
Alvin: Thanks for being the best official and legal dad, Dad.
Dave: Well, you three are the best official and legal sons an official and legal father could ask for.
Simon: Aw. That's sweet of you to say, Dad.
Theodore: Yeah.
Dave: But seriously, guys, this is the happiest day of my life. Literally nothing could ruin it for me.
[They all enter the house, Dave finds out that the squirrels made a huge mess]
Theodore: Oh, boy.
Simon: [gasps] Alvin.
Alvin: Totally forgot about this.
[One squirrel eats the table, The other rips the curtain]
Dave: ALVIN!

View Quote Because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet.

View Quote Because I am Frank, and Frank must go. I good you bid evening.

View Quote I good you bid evening.

View Quote Puggy: [Opening the movie] My name is Puggy and I live in a tree. I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.

View Quote Snake: If you don't do like I say, you know what's gonna happen to you, right?
Puggy: You're gonna shoot me?
Snake: You got that right.

View Quote John: You can stay.
Puggy: [about the muggers] They took all my money.
John: It's okay. Free beer.

View Quote [the Chipmunks answer the phone]
Simon: Be cool.
Alvin and Simon: [slowly] Hello?
Dave: Guys, it's me.
Alvin and Simon: Dave!?
Alvin: As in "Dave"?
Dave: Well, I guess since you answered the phone, you haven't burned down the house yet.
Alvin: Have a little faith, Dave!
Theodore: Yeah! [falls off the pot rack] Mayday! [lands on a pan, and it hits the floor]
Dave: What was that?
Simon: [whispers to Alvin] Don't stress him out.
Alvin: Uh, that was Aunt Jackie. Yeah. She's cooking us a zesty five-course meal.
Dave: Really? Well, Can I talk to her?
Theodore: She's practicing her pole dancing.
[Alvin and Simon look confused]
Dave: Pole dancing? What happened to making dinner? Guys, what's goin' on?
Alvin: Gotta go, Dave!
Dave: Alvin, I'm not kidding!
Alvin: Feel better!
Dave: ALVI–!!
Alvin: [hangs up just before Dave finishes] Yep! Nobody does that better than him.

View Quote Theodore: Dave!
Alvin: Dave!
Simon: Dave, you're alive!
Dave: Hey, guys!
Alvin: It was an accident, I swear!
Theodore: Are you okay?
Alvin: I'm really sorry, Dave.
Dave: I'll be fine. I'm just going to be stuck here for a while. And until I get out, I've made arrangements for my Aunt Jackie to come stay with you.
Alvin: Who's Aunt Jackie?
Theodore: The one who sends us those metal buckets of yummy popcorn for Christmas.
Alvin: Oh, Popcorn Jackie.

View Quote [Dave hobbles into the Chipmunks and the Chipettes' bedroom, which has been rearranged completely. There are now two sets of bunk beds, three for the boys and three for the girls, on either side of the room. Alvin and Brittany got the top bunks, Theodore and Eleanor the middle, and Simon and Jeanette the bottom.]
Dave: Look at you. All ready for bed. Looks like the Chipettes are a good influence.
Brittany: Thanks, Dave.
Jeanette: Thanks, Dave.
Eleanor: Thanks, Dave. [giggles]
Dave: Okay guys, now lights out. Goodnight everybody.
Simon: Goodnight, Jeanette.
Jeanette: Goodnight, Simon.
Theodore: Goodnight, Eleanor.
Eleanor: Goodnight, Theodore.
Brittany: Goodnight, Alvin.
[No reply.]
Dave: Alvin?
Alvin: I'm not tired.
Dave: Sorry, but you've got school tomorrow. [turns the lights off and starts to walk out of the room, but...]
Alvin: [jumps down next to Theodore's bed and flips a light switch, turning the lights back on] Not tired!
Dave: [walks back into the room] Alvin, come on, it's time for bed. [turns the lights off again, only for Alvin to turn them on again]
Alvin: Not tired!
Dave: [firmly] Alvin? [shoots Alvin a warning glare, turning the lights off again, only to get the same reaction from him]
Alvin: Still not tired! [flips the switch.] More awake! [flips it again.] Tired. Just kidding! Much more awake!
Dave: Alvin, that's it! Don't make me come over there!
Alvin: Okay! [turns the lights off.]
Dave: [slips on a skateboard in the hall.] Whoa! [CRASH!]
Alvin: [turns the lights back on] Oh boy, I suddenly got really really tired, [chuckles nervously.] Night, Dave. [turns off the lights right as Dave yells...]
Dave: ALVIN!!! [the credits roll]