Azrael Quit killing people. That's high profile.
Played by Jason Lee 
Dogma (1999) · 170 quotes
Dogma (1999) · 170 quotes
8th most-quoted character in Dogma (1999): in 13 of its 170 quotes
Most scenes with: Bethany Sloane (2), Jay (2), Loki (2)
No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater, than central air.
More lines from Azrael
7 quotes Azrael Azrael Have you ever been to Hell, human? I think not.
Azrael Oh, no! I've seen way too many Bond films to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
Azrael He doesn't know how to make a holey bartender. I know how to make a holey bartender. [Shoots the bartender with an Uzi.]
Azrael I'm a ****in' demon and you're gonna have him assault me with a putter?
Azrael [After being killed by a golf club]
But... I'm a ****in' demon.
Azrael (Last words)
But l'm a **** demon.
Scenes with Azrael
5 scenes
(Bartleby and Loki have missed the last bus to New Jersey.)
Nice. Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Oh, bus, schmuss. Anyway, w-why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
You mean fly?
We got wings, right? ****, let's use 'em!
Azrael I wouldn't suggest that. You see, kids, you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now would you?
Well, look at this pimp. How'd you get outta Hell?
Azrael I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. Look, I don't have long; if they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
Hey, what's with bringing us in here?
Azrael You two ****s are inches away from getting caught! Going around killing people, about to un-case your wings? Don't you have any idea what's going on?
Well, we're going home.
Azrael Oh, really? Are you so clueless as to think that you can just waltz back into Heaven?
Why not?
Azrael Everybody is looking for you. Both sides, above and below. Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Really?
Why?
Azrael Because you're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
So they're just gonna kill us?
Azrael They're gonna try! That's why you have to travel incognito. Tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. [to Loki] Quit killing people. That's high-profile.
Oh, lighten up!
I still can't believe they wanna kill us.
Azrael Oh, believe it, boys. They've even got the last scion looking for you.
Really?
You're kidding me.
Azrael This is huge, man. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides. And they'll stop at nothing—-I mean nothing--to prevent it. In the meantime, I suggest that you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Azrael Look, I've gotta get back to the pit before they get suspicious. Remember, incognito.
Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Azrael Ever the **** apple polisher.
So, what happened?
Azrael Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
Azrael No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Azrael Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
Azrael [sourly]
Nice.
So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
Azrael After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bartleby and Loki.
Azrael [he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out]
After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Azrael Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Azrael Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
[gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael]
Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
Azrael [calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her]
Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.
Azrael Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender
Never heard of it.
Azrael Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Don't...
Azrael Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Get it?
[restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared]
Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. [referring to Bethany]
Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
Azrael I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!
Azrael Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.
Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!
Azrael [furious]
Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! [calms himself] I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
