Bethany Sloane It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes, in his entire lifespan.
Played by Linda Fiorentino 
Dogma (1999) · 170 quotes
Dogma (1999) · 170 quotes
Most-quoted character in Dogma (1999): in 49 of its 170 quotes
Most scenes with: Jay (20), Rufus (18), Metatron (8)
I'm tired of all this cryptic bullshit. I'm physically and psychologically exhausted, Rufus, and I'm ready to kick back and welcome the end of existence unless you come clean, right now.
More lines from Bethany Sloane
8 quotes Bethany Sloane Bethany Sloane When a quiet little infection destroyed my uterus, where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children, where was God? To Hell with Him.
Bethany Sloane Nobody is **** me! You got that?!
Bethany Sloane So if we're wrong, what's the right religion?
Bethany Sloane I wouldn't want to let the family down, now would I?
Bethany Sloane Remind me to try that water-to-wine thing at my next party.
Bethany Sloane I hope you're the skee-ball type.
Bethany Sloane Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky, and guys trying like hell to **** me, I think I've been a pretty good sport about all of this.
Scenes with Bethany Sloane
40 scenes
(Liz has just fought her way through a group of pro-life protesters to enter the abortion clinic where she and Bethany work.)
You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
Bethany They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
Ah, they won't go for that one. We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.
Bethany I remember going to church when I was younger and feeling moved. Now I go every Sunday and feel nothing. I don't think I have any faith left.
Do you remember that seminary student who used to mow my lawn? The one I tried to set you up with?
Bethany The twenty-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.
Right. Well, the point is, he told me something. He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. As you get older, the glass gets bigger. The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. But periodically the glass needs to be refilled.
Bethany You're suggesting I need to get filled.
In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes, in his entire lifespan.
That sounds a little bit militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Well, then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany I think God is dead.
The sign of a true Catholic.
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
Bethany Why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Bethany Well... how do I know you're an angel?
What, you mean aside from the fiery entrance and expansive wingspan?
I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Noah was a drunk, and look what he accomplished- and no one's asking you to build an ark. All you've got to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany New Jersey?
Mmm-hmm. (drinks a shot of tequila and spits it out into an empty glass)
Bethany That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany What's the fine print?
(quickly and quietly into his next shot)
Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. (takes the shot)
Bethany Whoa, wait, what?
(more clearly)
Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus - Negating - All - Existence; I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.
Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was borne by the Angel of Death, name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed, that was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie, that was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.
Bethany Why?
Because he listened to his friend, a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
Bethany "Grigori"?
One of the choirs of angels. They're called "Watchers"--guess what they do. So, one day Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt--
Bethany Ah, the Tenth Plague.
Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted? Once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into a discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take one that doesn't involve slaughter. So... very inebriated... Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us, since from that day forward God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol, hence all the spitting. [Indicates the once-empty shot glass that he's been spitting Tequila into] So, for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
Bethany Were they sent to Hell?
Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity.
Bethany And this has what to do with me?
Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to re-enter Heaven.
Bethany So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now, listen closely, because this bit's very important. Existence, in all its form and splendor, functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove Him wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence, if they're allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.
Bethany If this is so big and important, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something?
He could, but He'd rather watch you handle this one personally.
Bethany Why?
Because of who you are.
Bethany And who am I?
The girl in the pj's! Don't ask so many questions; just serve your purpose!
Bethany I think I'm gonna have to pass.
I beg your pardon?
Bethany When some quiet little infection came and destroyed my uterus, where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children, where was God? (scoffs) The hell with Him.
Don't allow eons of history and life to be blinked out of being just because you have a grudge with your creator! So you lost the ability to make life; you're being given the chance to play "Mother" to the world by acting like one and protecting it. Saving it! ...But I can't make you. However, if you do choose to stop being selfish and uphold your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany What, more angels?
Prophets. (mumbling into tequila glass) In a manner of speaking. (back to normal volume) Two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one--well, he's the quiet type.
Bethany Hey — what's He like?
God? ...Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany Sex is a joke in Heaven?
The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
Bethany [Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from an attack by Azrael's three roller-blading henchmen.]
I don't know what to say, or think, except--
That you'll offer us sex as a reward?
Bethany Uh... that I'd like to know who you, and they, are.
I'm Jay and this is my hetero life-mate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and lunch-box's asses if I hadn't represented.
I'm going back to Jersey and start up the business again. I can kick the shit out of little kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit.
Prophets. Two of 'em.
Bethany You've got to be kidding me.
[Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are at a diner]
So do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you gonna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry; what brought the two of you here?
Some **** named John Hughes. [Bob looks at Jay with disdain]
Bethany "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
You know that guy too? That ****in' guy; made this flick "Sixteen Candles". Not bad; there's tits in it but no bush, but Ebert [gestures to Bob] over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing since he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Lines up to go to every one of his ****in' movies. ****in' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. ****in' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but, oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And ****in' "Pretty In Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time the part comes up where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit, and there's nothin' worse than hearin' a ****in' fat man weep.
Bethany What exactly brought you to Illinois?
See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois, where the honeys are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies--[Bob gestures to him]--except for Judd Nelson; he was **** harsh. But best of all, there's no one dealin', man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt collection in Shermer, Illinois! So we collected some money we were owed, and caught a bus. You know what the **** we found out when we got there? [Bethany shakes her head] There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are **** bullshit.
Bethany This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but I think I should go with you.
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
Bethany No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.
Really.
Bethany You're going to lead me somewhere.
Me, lead you? Look at me, lady! I don't even know where the Hell I am half the time!
Bethany I can pay you!
Pay?
Bethany A hundred bucks for being my guide. You were going to Jersey anyway. I'm just asking to tag along.
I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that ****-up bar! What about sex?
Bethany No sex.
... All right, well, let's say we're in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you **** us then?
Bethany In that highly unlikely situation? [sighs, rolling her eyes] ...Yeah, sure.
[Bethany's car has broken down on the side of the road after Jay drove too fast in first gear.] (to Silent Bob)
Dude, she **** pissed! She's never gonna **** us now! Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. You know how she is.
Bethany Nobody is **** me! You got that?! I don't know what I was thinking in that diner, but seeing as I've decided to go home and not to New Jersey, sorry about the convenience and goodbye.
[Bethany begins to walk off.]
You breakin' up with us? [Bethany continues walking off.] Who the hell do you think you are, lady?! [Jay and Silent Bob walk after her.] You can't go around breaking people's hearts like that! I fell in love with you! WE fell in love with you! Guys like us just don't fall out of the **** sky, you know! [Just then, a man falls right in between Jay, Bob and Bethany.] (to the sky) Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't just fall out of the sky, you know!
Bethany [Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob inspect the body that fell in front of them.]
No heartbeat.
You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? (to Bethany) You ever see that flick?
[The body starts to move, and the others back away from it.]
Oh, did that suck! Con Air, con shit!
Kill it, kill it!
Sounds familiar.
Bethany Jesus! Are you okay?
It's Rufus, and yeah, I'm fine.
It's the **** un-dead! Cut its head off!
Hey! What I did just gave me a **** migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank ya' sack off like a paper towel!
Bethany Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, was it?
Yes, Rufus it is. Usually "Long" Rufus, but it's kinda cold out here, you understand. (to Silent Bob) Hey, Biggie, how 'bout lending me your coat 'til I find my own threads?
Dude, he fell outta thin air. [Silent Bob complies with Rufus request and removes his jacket.] Dude, his piece will be rubbin' the inside of your armor! Dude!
Hey, thanks. I'll do my best to tuck it back.
Bethany Wait, wait, wait. Christ? You knew Christ?
Knew Him? Shit, **** owes me twelve bucks.
Bethany How did you know where to find us?
You know what the dead do with most of their time? Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
I can't wait to die.
Bethany What's your beef with the Bible?
Well, for starters, I'm not in it.
Well, neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching and moaning.
Yeah, but I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle.
Bethany (laughing): I've been going to church my whole life, and I've never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
Yeah, but you've heard of the other twelve apostles. They were all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus. And why is that? 'Cause I'm a black man. But you know what? That's just my pet peeve. I'm mainly here to correct a major error that you people have been basing the faith on.
Bethany What's that?
Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
I don't buy it.
Bethany If that's true, then why did He get written about and you were left out?
Well, He is the Son of God. Kind of hard to have a New Testament without Him. So, you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity, leaving me out is okay 'cause you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
You know, that's just what the good people of Antioch was saying, right before they stoned my ass.
Bethany You were martyred?
Well, that's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big **** rocks.
Bethany You know, two days ago I wasn't even sure God existed. Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology.
Let me let you in on a little inside info. God hates it when it's referred to as "mythology".
(Rufus has recognized the girl at the strip club as the muse Serendipity.)
I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Three years this August.
Bethany Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Oh, this girl's no woman.
Bethany Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Bethany Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
This is the last Scion.
You're kidding. Wow!
Bethany I'm confused.
Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
I used to be an abstract.
Bethany Now I'm really confused.
I'm a muse, stupid!
I used to specialize in entertainment. For example, I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Bethany Nineteen?
...Yeah... The one about the kid by himself in his house, burglars are trying to come in and he fights them off? Ah! (she makes a Macaulay Culkin face) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
What are you doing stripping?
Well, you remember why I left, right?
You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.
So, I opted to quit being a muse. I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to seek my fortune.
Bethany So what happened?
... Writer's block. Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Bethany Whose?
God's.
Bethany You're saying God's a woman?
Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
Bethany He's always referred to as "He".
Well, that's not the way I wrote it. But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. The people that held the pens added their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. So "She" became a "He".
Why is the last scion here?
Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
Not the plenary indulgence loophole.
Bethany You know about that?
I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Bethany (Bethany and her group are now on a train. She and Rufus are in their cabin and have a small conversation.)
What's He like?
He likes to listen to people talk. I remember the old days when we were sittin' around the fire. You know, whenever we were goin' on about unimportant shit, He'd always have a smile on his face. His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
Bethany So you're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
I just think it's better to have an idea. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic belief system in this Plenary Indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.
(Bartleby, traveling as "Barry", has struck up a conversation with Bethany in a train's club car.)
You're divorced.
Bethany That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped.
I was, uh, dumped once.
Bethany Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, "Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
And you, uh, wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Bethany And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
When actually, it, uh, it hurts more.
Bethany You know what we need?
What do we need?
Bethany We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.
(After a lot of drinks, Bethany has revealed her "mission") (Rufus walks into the car.) (still groggy from his nap)
Where the hell is everybody? I doze of an-- (he sees Bartleby)
The Apostle!
Holy shit!
Bethany Rufus, I'd like you to meet my new friend Barry.
Bethany (Bartleby smashes a beer bottle and holds it up to Bethany's neck.)
Oh! (laughs) Don't be such a show off, Barry.
Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go, and we can talk about this.
Bethany Bartleby?!
So Rufus, this is what it comes down to; slaughter by a meat-puppet.
Bethany Get your **** hands off me, you dick-less son-of-a-bitch!
Save it, lady. A minute ago you were aching to top me off. Loki!
Oh shit, the Apostle!
She just told me that she was on a mission to New Jersey to stop two angels.
Hey, you think they're talking about us?
No, two other **** angels! Yeah, it's a pretty good chance! Whaddya say Rufus, you wanna be liquidated?!
You haven't thought about the consequences of your re-entry!
Consequences, schmonsequences!
Guess what, we're goin' home, no matter whose pride it may offend.
It's not a matter of pride, stupid!
Loki, kill the girl.
What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that.
Then guess what, I'll kill her.
What the ****'s going on? I fall asleep and everyone moves, these guys are **** flat leavers.
Loki, shut his mouth.
Bethany (The group is in the woods.)
I don't know why we had to leave the train, you threw those guys off.
Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
Bethany Why me? Out of all the people on the god damn planet, why was I tapped?
...Imagine you're a twelve year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son. But more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, I don't know, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age twelve to thirty- twelve to thirty. Now that's some pretty bad storytelling. Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing eighteen years? I'll tell you where- they were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics.
Bethany You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy to cover up the truth about Christ. [is responded to with silence] ...Bullshit. Any important information about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why would they leave any of it out?
Because it's all closely tied in with his family.
Bethany His mother and father?
His brothers and sisters.
Bethany Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a man's touch, this is true - but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin Birth-- those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? That's just plain gullibility!
Bethany Meaning?
The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two, at the genetic level, with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandniece of Jesus Christ.
... So, that would make Bethany part black?
Bethany (Bethany is running through the woods and runs into a lake) (screaming at God)
Why?!! What the **** do You want from me?! (she flails her arms in anger in the water) I **** hate You!!! (now crying) I hate You.
(suddenly standing on the water before her)
He can't hear you, you know. That's why we needed you.
Bethany Why didn't you tell me?
Would you... could you, have believed me? It was something you had to come to gradually. Only after everything you've seen, everything you've heard, could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
Bethany I don't want this... it's too big...
That's what Jesus said. Yes... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, not to be able to tell the son Himself, because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. So... I had to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children- I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son, and that it meant a lifetime of persecution, and eventual crucifixion, at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. ... He begged to take it all back... as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true', and let me let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power... I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now. I sympathize, I do- I wish I could take it all back... but I can't. This... is who you are.
Bethany ... Everything I am has been a lie?
No, no no, knowing who you are now, doesn't mean you aren't who you were. You are Bethany Sloan! No one can take that away from you, not even God! ... All this means is a redefinition of that identity- the incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just... be this as well, from time to time.
Bethany [Is finally able to smile a little]
I guess this means no more cheating on my taxes?
To say the least.
(Metatron explains when God went missing.)
You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Bethany Constitutionals?
I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anybody where he's playing, just goes away for a couple of hours. And from what I understand, he always gives his free points away to the neighborhood children- isn't that sweet?
Here, it's the guy in charge of the church thing (he hands over a newspaper)
Bethany Cardinal Glick?
Maybe we can just ask him to shut down the church. If it's closed that day, uh, those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right?
Good Lord. The little stoner's got a point!
So, I assume you're looking to help out in some way.
Bethany We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
...I beg your pardon?
Bethany There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.
Bethany No, no. The trouble's not from us. It's from these two renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues — (Rufus nudges her) Um, these guys, they think they're renegade angels.
See, Padre, it goes down like this. These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go straight to Heaven.
You want me to call off the ceremony for that? Who sent you?
We were sent by Him who is called "I am"!
Cute. Really cute. Listen, kids, play-time with the cardinal is over.
Worked for Moses.
Bethany [to Rufus]
Stay out of this.
Let's go.
Bethany Your Eminence, this isn't a joke
I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
...All right, mistakes were made, but you can't hold Holy Mother Church responsible for the mistakes of old! Now I'm a very important man with very important business to attend to, so if you please!
Bethany But tomorrow--
Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear? Neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself, is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch!
Bethany I see the headlines now, if there were gonna be any headlines. "Existence Erased".
Don't worry about it. We evened the score. Hand it over, Silent Bob. (Bob pulls a golf club out of his jacket) What up.
You stole the cardinal's driver?
That's what he gets for messin' with our girlfriend. Cross-dressing ****.
Bethany That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.
Bethany [Azrael has Bethany and the others captive at a bar]
So he's (Azrael) a muse too?
Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Ever the **** apple polisher.
Bethany So, what happened?
Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
Bethany So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bethany Bartleby and Loki.
[he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out]
After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Bethany Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
[gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael]
Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
[calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her]
Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.
Bethany [Bethany and her group have arrived at the church]
Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Are we too late?
To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Bethany Where are they?
They could already be in the church.
Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Are you **** kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Why don't they just kill themselves?
Bethany It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
Bethany No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
[looking up]
Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
Bethany N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
[realizing who she is]
The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
We were awaiting your arrival.
Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany [running up to him and pushing him]
You sick twisted ****!
[grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck]
Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.
Bethany Oh,my God, he's lost it! We're ****, we're absolutely ****!
Jay (grinning): I hear that shit.
Bethany I can't believe this shit. We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found. What the **** kind of deity gets kidnapped?
Amen to that. (he pulls off his pants)
Bethany What the hell are you doing?!
We got about five minutes left to live, the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd **** me.
Bethany You're a pig.
Oh, what? Nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
Bethany What did you say?
"Make with the love". It's a nice way of saying "boning".
Bethany No, about John Doe Jersey!
Bethany Whatever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church! Bob, come with me. Come on!
How am I supposed to do that?
Bethany Think of something!
I already did, but it takes two of us!
Bethany [Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from Azrael's minions]
I don't know what to say or think, except...
That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?
Bethany Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.
I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.
Bethany Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?
You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!
Bethany So, what are you doing hanging around?
We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany Excuse me?
We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to ****?
So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?
Some **** named John Hughes.
Bethany Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
You know that guy too? That **** guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. 'Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. **** Breakfast Club; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. **** Weird Science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse than watching a ****in' fat man weep.
Bethany What exactly brought you to Illinois?
See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. [Silent Bob raises a finger.] Except for Judd Nelson, he was **** harsh! [He and Silent Bob bump fists.] But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the **** we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are **** bullshit.
Bethany When are you going back to Jersey?
Bethany [to herself]
Tomorrow...
Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?
Bethany I didn't ask you out for sex.
I'll take head.
Bethany This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?
What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.
Bethany No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
Really?
Bethany You're going to lead me somewhere.
Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna ****, then what the **** did you ask us out for?
Bethany Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.
What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, **** dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?
Bethany Do you believe in God?
Holy ****! [to Silent Bob] All the fine immoral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Let's get the **** outta here- [both get up to leave]
Bethany No, wait!
I'll scream rape.
Bethany I can pay you.
Pay? [he and Silent Bob sit back down]
Bethany A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersey anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.
[to Silent Bob]
I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that **** up bar! [to Bethany] What about sex?
Bethany No sex.
All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you **** us then?
Bethany In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.
Yeah? [to Silent Bob] She's the slut. Booong!
Bethany Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!
Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.
Bethany Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!
[furious]
Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! [calms himself] I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?
Bethany No. But I have a good idea.
