Dr. Laurel Weaver [examining Rosenberg's corpse]
Oh, my God! [laughs] Whoa, buddy, what are you?
More lines from Dr. Laurel Weaver
2 quotes Dr. Laurel Weaver Dr. Laurel Weaver [to J and K, after blowing up the bug]
Interesting job you guys have.
Scenes with Dr. Laurel Weaver
7 scenes Dr. Laurel Weaver [Laurel is trying to bluff The Bug so she can escape]
You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even! There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to try and impress you, I'm just saying it could start a war!
Edgar/The Bug
Good! War, that means more food for my family, all 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness.
Dr. Laurel Weaver You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying HERE! [Escapes]
Edgar/The Bug
Ohhh...
Police Officer
[A police officer pushes a stretcher with Rosenberg's corpse, Rosenberg's cat Orion is on top]
Where do you want contestant number three?
Dr. Laurel Weaver Just leave it there. What's with the cat?
Police Officer
Oh, the cat. Yeah, well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
Dr. Laurel Weaver [signs the paperwork]
What's the problem with the cat?
Police Officer
It's your problem. [chuckles as he leaves]
Dr. Laurel Weaver I hate the living. [begins pushing the stretcher] Shall we?
Dr. Laurel Weaver Look at this.
What the hell was that?
Alien Rosenberg
[J touches Rosenberg’s ear and it unlocks the head showing a small control room containing alien Rosenberg] [struggling to speak]
Must.....To Prevent.....Contest.
It's okay. What are you tryna say?
Alien Rosenberg
Prevent.
Prevent. Struggle?
Alien Rosenberg
[shaking his head]
No...To Prevent.
Dr. Laurel Weaver War?
Alien Rosenberg
[nodding his head up and down slowly]
War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word?
Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt?
[Rosenberg nods as the control room shuts down and he dies; Orion looks down from a ledge and meows]
"To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt." What the hell does that mean? [to K] Dr., uh...Whatever, come here.
Dr. Laurel Weaver Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?
Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.
Dr. Laurel Weaver I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.
Dr. Laurel Weaver [still disoriented from being neuralyzed]
Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. [neuralyzes her again]
[before he can fully put his shades on to protect himself from the flash of the neuralyzer]
Would you stop that?!
What?!
That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or somethin'!
Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.
"Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?!
Couple.
So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?
A little.
K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
No.
I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?!
No.
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Dr. Laurel Weaver Christ, you are thick!
Look, how was I supposed to know?!
Dr. Laurel Weaver What did I have to do, sing it for you?!
Well, if you weren't comin' on like some drunken prom date...!
Dr. Laurel Weaver Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...!
Edgar/Bug
Oh, everybody shut up!
Let her go, shiteater.
Edgar/Bug
Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?!
You're breakin' my heart. Show me your face, and I'll cure all your ills.
Edgar/Bug
You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?!
How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office?
Edgar/Bug
Put your weapons down!
Never gonna happen, insect.
It's okay, Laurel.
Dr. Laurel Weaver How...is...it...okay?
I'm sayin’ it's gon' be okay.
Edgar/Bug
Don't bet on it, meatsack! [takes Laurel, who screams, and jumps out the window onto the street]
[after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship]
Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? [the Bug turns toward J with a enraged snarl] Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? [points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it] Y'know y'all look alike. [enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him] Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? [squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger] See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin' all this ruckus! Snatchin' up galaxies and everything. [Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J] My attitude is: don't start nuttin', won't be nuttin’! [crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger] You need to ease up out my face 'fore somethin' bad happen to you. [K loads up his gun within the Bug's stomach; smiles] Too late.
[K shoots, blowing the Bug in half and freeing himself. They are covered in bug guts. J picks up the galaxy.] [calling headquarters]
Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy.
I like this gun.
Yeah, well, while you were in there playin' around, I was down here doin' all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two-by-four. He kicked me. Y'know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was "yah!" with the fire.
[Unknown to them, the half of the Bug creeps up to them]
Not bad for your second day of work is it?
This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter.
Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68.
Laurel [Half of the Bug appears behind them, about to eat them, but is blasted to pieces. They turn around to see Laurel, who's holding the big gun] [grinning]
Interesting job you guys have.
K, um, look. I know we got these rules and everything, but I was thinkin'. She did help us bust that Bug; maybe we didn't have to flashy-thing her. [K pulls out the neuralyzer] K, come on, man. What - who's she gon' tell? She hang out with all dead people.
It's not for her. It's for me.
What?
[looking up at the sky]
They're beautiful, aren't they? Stars. You know, I never look at them anymore, but they actually are quite, um...beautiful.
Uh, K, you're frightening your partner.
I haven't been training a partner; I've been training a replacement.
Wait a minute, K. I cannot do this job by myself.
Dr. Laurel Weaver Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island.
[pointing out neuralyzer controls to J]
Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. [hands it to J]
K...
I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach, kid. That's one of a hundred memories that I don't want. [J puts on his sunglasses] See you around, James.
