Zed quotes from Men in Black (1997)

Zed

You will dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You will not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You are a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You are no longer part of the System. You are above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". We are the Men in Black.

Zed

We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

Zed

Containment may be a moot point, old friend. The exodus continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check.

Zed

YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES!

Zed

Edwards, what the hell happened?

Hesitated.

Zed

May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?

Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time.

Zed

How'd you come to that conclusion?

Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light. But then I realized he's just workin' out, you know. I mean, how'd I feel if someone came in bustin' my ass while I'm on a treadmill? Then I was gonna shoot this snarling beast guy, then I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and I realized, he's not snarling, he's sneezing, there ain't a real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany, and I'm thinkin "eight year-old white girl, out on the street this time of night, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, hangin' around with quantum physics books?!" She's about to start some shit, Zed! I mean, she's only about eight years old, those books are way too advanced for her. So, if you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or do I owe her an apology?

Zed

Edwards! Let's put it on.

Put what on?

Zed

The last suit you'll ever wear.

Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? [the Bug turns toward J with a enraged snarl] Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? [points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it] Y'know y'all look alike. [enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him] Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? [squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger] See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin' all this ruckus! Snatchin' up galaxies and everything. [Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J] My attitude is: don't start nuttin', won't be nuttin’! [crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger] You need to ease up out my face 'fore somethin' bad happen to you. [K loads up his gun within the Bug's stomach; smiles] Too late.

Agent K

Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy.

Zed

You got it, friend.

Goin' to get ya gun back, huh?

Agent K

I like this gun.

Yeah, well, while you were in there playin' around, I was down here doin' all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two-by-four. He kicked me. Y'know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was "yah!" with the fire.

Agent K

Not bad for your second day of work is it?

This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter.

Agent K

Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68.

Laurel

Interesting job you guys have.