Agent J quotes from Men in Black (1997)

Agent K

You don't happen to know what alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?

Wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night. Damn. Alex said--

Agent K

Zed, we have a Bug.

What, we don't like Bugs?

Agent K

Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, and thrive on the death and destruction of other species.

You were stung as a child, weren't you?

Agent K

Slick, imagine a giant cockroach — with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a REAL short temper — is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand new Edgar-suit. That sound like fun?

You do know Elvis is dead, right?

Agent K

No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home.

All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next-level shit going on around here, and I'm with that. But before y'all get to beaming me up, there's just a few things you should know. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills. And I want nobody calling me 'son' or 'kid' or 'sport' or nothing like that, cool?

Agent K

Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your skills... [Elevator doors open revealing MIB's massive headquarters] As of right now, they mean precisely 'dick'.

Zed

Edwards, what the hell happened?

Hesitated.

Zed

May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?

Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time.

Zed

How'd you come to that conclusion?

Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light. But then I realized he's just workin' out, you know. I mean, how'd I feel if someone came in bustin' my ass while I'm on a treadmill? Then I was gonna shoot this snarling beast guy, then I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and I realized, he's not snarling, he's sneezing, there ain't a real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany, and I'm thinkin "eight year-old white girl, out on the street this time of night, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, hangin' around with quantum physics books?!" She's about to start some shit, Zed! I mean, she's only about eight years old, those books are way too advanced for her. So, if you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or do I owe her an apology?

Agent K

Series 4 Deatomizer.

Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Agent K

Noisy Cricket.

Aw, Kay? Nah, nah, come on, man! You get a Series 4 Deatomizer, I get a little Midget Cricket? [Absentmindedly points the gun at Kay as he is speaking]

Agent K

Whoa!

I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!

Agent K

We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!

Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! In case you've forgotten, there's an alien battle cruiser--

Agent K

There's always an alien battle cruiser, or a Corellian death ray, or an intergalactic plague intended to wipe out life on this miserable little planet. The only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!

Agent K

What do you think?

Veeery interesting. She's got a real 'Queen of the Undead' thing going on there.

Agent K

Of the body.

Oh, great body.

Agent K

The dead body.

Agent K

Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.

A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?

Agent K

One hour.

One hour. Then what?

Oh, that's bullshit! [The countdown begins]

OH, YOU IDIOTS! You don't get it! I've won. It's over. YOU'RE MILK-SUCKERS! You don't matter! In fact, in a few seconds, you won't even be matter.

Agent K

You're under arrest for violating number 4-1-53 of the Tycho Treaty.

So hand over whatever galaxy you may be holding, step away from your busted-ass vehicle and put your hands on your head.

I see. I put my hands... on... on my head. [Does so] Like this? [Starts ripping off his rotting disguise, revealing himself as a huge, monstrous cockroach-like alien. He then swallows J and K's weapons and knocks them aside]

Agent K

That didn't at all go the way I planned.

That's the worst disguise ever. That guy's definitely an alien.

If you don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt.

Agent K

Busy, Frank?

Sorry, Kay. I can't talk right now, my ride's leaving in-- [K grabs him] Whoa! Get yer paws off me!

Agent K

Call the pound, we got a stray!

Uh, the dog owes my friend money.

Agent K

Arquillians and Bugs, Frank. What do you know about them?

I know nothing.

Agent K

Not a thing? [Starts to shake him]

Whoa! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Okay, okay. Rosenberg wasn't some two-bit Arquillian. He was the guardian of a whole galaxy. They thought he'd be safe here on Earth.

Agent K

And the Bug had other plans?

That galaxy is the best source of subatomic energy in the universe. If the Bugs get their slimy claws on it, kiss the Arquillians goodbye!

Ask him about the belt.

Agent K

Rosenberg said something about a galaxy on Orion's belt. What's he talking about, Frank?

Beats me.

Agent K

Beat you? Ok. [Shakes him more violently, even rolling him over in mid-air]

We're rehearsing a ventriloquist act.

THE GALAXY IS HERE!!!

Agent K

What do you mean "here"?

The galaxy's hundreds and millions of stars and planets. How's it here?

You humans. When're you gonna learn that size doesn't matter? Just 'cause something's important, doesn't mean it's not very, very small.

Agent K

How small?!

Tiny. Like the size of a marble or a jewel. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta be walked before my flight. [K puts him down]

Agent K

They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never really look at them anymore, but they actually are quite... beautiful.

Uh, Kay? You're frightening your partner.

Agent K

Days, months, years. Always face it forward.

Agent K

See ya round, J.

No, you won't. [The Neuralyzer's flash beam eclipses the screen]

These are the hot sheets?

Agent K

Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.

These are the hot sheets!?

Agent K

Best investigative reporting on the planet. Go ahead, read The New York Times if you want to. They get lucky sometimes. [pays vendor] Thanks, Manny.

Cannot believe you lookin' for tips in the supermarket tabloids!

Agent K

Not looking for. [tosses one onto car hood, with headline: "Terrified Farm Wife Says: 'Alien Stole My Husband's Skin'] Found.

Agent K

Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one?

Agent K

A standard issue Neuralyzer.

And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?

Agent K

Yeah. [to Beatrice] On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off.

Well, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, you kicked him out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator to come into this place quick, 'cause, damn!
[Beatrice is looking at J with a blank stare]

Dr. Laurel Weaver

Look at this.

What the hell was that?

Must.....To Prevent.....Contest.

It's okay. What are you tryna say?

Prevent.

Prevent. Struggle?

No...To Prevent.

Dr. Laurel Weaver

War?

War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word?

Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt?

"To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt." What the hell does that mean? [to K] Dr., uh...Whatever, come here.

Dr. Laurel Weaver

Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?

Agent K

Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.

Dr. Laurel Weaver

I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.

Dr. Laurel Weaver

Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.

Agent K

Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. [neuralyzes her again]

Would you stop that?!

Agent K

What?!

That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or somethin'!

Agent K

Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.

"Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?!

Agent K

Couple.

So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?

Agent K

A little.

K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?

Agent K

No.

I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?!

Agent K

No.

Look, K, why don't you let me handle this one?

Agent K

What?

Come on, man, all we gotta do is go in here and get a cat; it's not really that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashin' your brain ray all in her face, she's gonna wind up with leukemia and some shit. The woman's a doctor; she don't need you flashin' away half her med school classes. Five minutes.

Agent K

Two minutes.
[J goes in and K waits outside]

Agent K

Freeze it, Bug!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Dr. Laurel Weaver

Christ, you are thick!

Look, how was I supposed to know?!

Dr. Laurel Weaver

What did I have to do, sing it for you?!

Well, if you weren't comin' on like some drunken prom date...!

Dr. Laurel Weaver

Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...!

Oh, everybody shut up!

Agent K

Let her go, shiteater.

Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?!

Agent K

You're breakin' my heart. Show me your face, and I'll cure all your ills.

You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?!

Agent K

How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office?

Put your weapons down!

Agent K

Never gonna happen, insect.

It's okay, Laurel.

Dr. Laurel Weaver

How...is...it...okay?

I'm sayin’ it's gon' be okay.

Don't bet on it, meatsack! [takes Laurel, who screams, and jumps out the window onto the street]

Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? [the Bug turns toward J with a enraged snarl] Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? [points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it] Y'know y'all look alike. [enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him] Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? [squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger] See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin' all this ruckus! Snatchin' up galaxies and everything. [Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J] My attitude is: don't start nuttin', won't be nuttin’! [crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger] You need to ease up out my face 'fore somethin' bad happen to you. [K loads up his gun within the Bug's stomach; smiles] Too late.

Agent K

Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy.

Zed

You got it, friend.

Goin' to get ya gun back, huh?

Agent K

I like this gun.

Yeah, well, while you were in there playin' around, I was down here doin' all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two-by-four. He kicked me. Y'know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was "yah!" with the fire.

Agent K

Not bad for your second day of work is it?

This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter.

Agent K

Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68.

Laurel

Interesting job you guys have.

K, um, look. I know we got these rules and everything, but I was thinkin'. She did help us bust that Bug; maybe we didn't have to flashy-thing her. [K pulls out the neuralyzer] K, come on, man. What - who's she gon' tell? She hang out with all dead people.

Agent K

It's not for her. It's for me.

What?

Agent K

They're beautiful, aren't they? Stars. You know, I never look at them anymore, but they actually are quite, um...beautiful.

Uh, K, you're frightening your partner.

Agent K

I haven't been training a partner; I've been training a replacement.

Wait a minute, K. I cannot do this job by myself.

Dr. Laurel Weaver

Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island.

Agent K

Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. [hands it to J]

K...

Agent K

I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach, kid. That's one of a hundred memories that I don't want. [J puts on his sunglasses] See you around, James.

No, you won't.
[he triggers it; the flash whites out the screen]

Hey, J! Zed called. The High Councilor from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the Knicks-Bulls game.

All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet. [hands L her hot dog]

Rodman? You're kidding.

Nope.

Not much of a disguise.