1,500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Agent K
Patricia McPherson · 30 quotes
Agent J
19 quotes
Dr. Laurel Weaver
Linda Fiorentino · 10 quotes
James Darrell Edwards / Agent J
9 quotes
Jack Jeebs
Tony Shalhoub · 2 quotes
Most scenes together: Agent J & Agent K (17), Agent K & Dr. Laurel Weaver (5), Agent J & Dr. Laurel Weaver (5)
Men in Black quotes
Page 1 of 4[after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship]
Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? [the Bug turns toward J with a enraged snarl] Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? [points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it] Y'know y'all look alike. [enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him] Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? [squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger] See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin' all this ruckus! Snatchin' up galaxies and everything. [Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J] My attitude is: don't start nuttin', won't be nuttin’! [crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger] You need to ease up out my face 'fore somethin' bad happen to you. [K loads up his gun within the Bug's stomach; smiles] Too late.
[K shoots, blowing the Bug in half and freeing himself. They are covered in bug guts. J picks up the galaxy.] [calling headquarters]
Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy.
I like this gun.
Yeah, well, while you were in there playin' around, I was down here doin' all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two-by-four. He kicked me. Y'know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was "yah!" with the fire.
[Unknown to them, the half of the Bug creeps up to them]
Not bad for your second day of work is it?
This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter.
Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68.
[Half of the Bug appears behind them, about to eat them, but is blasted to pieces. They turn around to see Laurel, who's holding the big gun] [grinning]
Interesting job you guys have.
[As he and K approach a drug dealer with a pug dog]
That's the worst disguise ever. That guy's definitely an alien.
Frank the Pug (is the dog)
If you don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt.
Busy, Frank?
Frank Sorry, Kay. I can't talk right now, my ride's leaving in-- [K grabs him] Whoa! Get yer paws off me!
Frank I know nothing.
Not a thing? [Starts to shake him]
Frank [Yelping]
Whoa! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Okay, okay. Rosenberg wasn't some two-bit Arquillian. He was the guardian of a whole galaxy. They thought he'd be safe here on Earth.
And the Bug had other plans?
Frank That galaxy is the best source of subatomic energy in the universe. If the Bugs get their slimy claws on it, kiss the Arquillians goodbye!
[To Frank]
Rosenberg said something about a galaxy on Orion's belt. What's he talking about, Frank?
Frank Beats me.
Beat you? Ok. [Shakes him more violently, even rolling him over in mid-air]
Frank [Whilst being shaken]
THE GALAXY IS HERE!!!
What do you mean "here"?
The galaxy's hundreds and millions of stars and planets. How's it here?
Frank You humans. When're you gonna learn that size doesn't matter? Just 'cause something's important, doesn't mean it's not very, very small.
How small?!
Frank Tiny. Like the size of a marble or a jewel. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta be walked before my flight. [K puts him down]
[K asks J to use the Neuralyzer to wipe his memory, as he wants to go back to the life he had with his girlfriend 35 years ago] [To Agent J]
They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never really look at them anymore, but they actually are quite... beautiful.
Uh, Kay? You're frightening your partner.
[Pointing to the various buttons on the Neuralyzer]
Days, months, years. Always face it forward.
No, you won't. [The Neuralyzer's flash beam eclipses the screen]
[after telling J that they're going to check the "hot sheets," K buys some tabloid newspapers]
These are the hot sheets?
Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.
[Talking to Agent K in the MIB elevator]
All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next-level shit going on around here, and I'm with that. But before y'all get to beaming me up, there's just a few things you should know. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills. And I want nobody calling me 'son' or 'kid' or 'sport' or nothing like that, cool?
Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your skills... [Elevator doors open revealing MIB's massive headquarters] As of right now, they mean precisely 'dick'.
K, um, look. I know we got these rules and everything, but I was thinkin'. She did help us bust that Bug; maybe we didn't have to flashy-thing her. [K pulls out the neuralyzer] K, come on, man. What - who's she gon' tell? She hang out with all dead people.
It's not for her. It's for me.
What?
[looking up at the sky]
They're beautiful, aren't they? Stars. You know, I never look at them anymore, but they actually are quite, um...beautiful.
Uh, K, you're frightening your partner.
I haven't been training a partner; I've been training a replacement.
Wait a minute, K. I cannot do this job by myself.
Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island.
[pointing out neuralyzer controls to J]
Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. [hands it to J]
K...
I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach, kid. That's one of a hundred memories that I don't want. [J puts on his sunglasses] See you around, James.
¿Qué dices si te rompo la cara?(What do you say if I break your face?) [the guy smiles and nods. He stops, and his own smile broadens, and he drops a hand on the guy's shoulder] No hablas ni una palabra del español, ¿ verdad, amigo? (You don't speak a word of Spanish, do you, friend?) [again, the guy smiles and nods. He looks back at Agent D] We got a winner. [to the others] Los restos estan libres a irse. Lárgense! (The rest of you are free to go. Scram!)
[neuralyzing Beatrice after she tells them her story]
Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus.
Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one?
A standard issue Neuralyzer.
And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Yeah. [to Beatrice] On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off.
Well, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, you kicked him out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator to come into this place quick, 'cause, damn!
[Beatrice is looking at J with a blank stare]
All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time, there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough; they're just trying to make a living.
Cab drivers.
No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things.
But why? Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
What's the catch?
The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you 'til sunrise to think it over. [walks away]
Hey! Is it worth it?
Oh yeah, it's worth it... if you're strong enough.
Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
One hour.
One hour. Then what?
[The message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB - DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED. SORRY."]
Oh, that's bullshit! [The countdown begins]
We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! In case you've forgotten, there's an alien battle cruiser--
There's always an alien battle cruiser, or a Corellian death ray, or an intergalactic plague intended to wipe out life on this miserable little planet. The only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
You don't happen to know what alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
Wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night. Damn. Alex said--
What, we don't like Bugs?
Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, and thrive on the death and destruction of other species.
[Interrupts]
Slick, imagine a giant cockroach — with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a REAL short temper — is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand new Edgar-suit. That sound like fun?
[Opens a pair of large doors revealing shelves of advanced weaponry. Grabs a large gun and holds it in front of Agent J]
Series 4 Deatomizer.
Now that's what I'm talkin' about.
Aw, Kay? Nah, nah, come on, man! You get a Series 4 Deatomizer, I get a little Midget Cricket? [Absentmindedly points the gun at Kay as he is speaking]
[Continues to stare at the weapon in disbelief]
I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!
[still disoriented from being neuralyzed]
Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. [neuralyzes her again]
[before he can fully put his shades on to protect himself from the flash of the neuralyzer]
Would you stop that?!
What?!
That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or somethin'!
Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.
"Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?!
Couple.
So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?
A little.
K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
No.
I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?!
No.
Look at this.
What the hell was that?
Alien Rosenberg [J touches Rosenberg’s ear and it unlocks the head showing a small control room containing alien Rosenberg] [struggling to speak]
Must.....To Prevent.....Contest.
It's okay. What are you tryna say?
Alien Rosenberg Prevent.
Prevent. Struggle?
Alien Rosenberg [shaking his head]
No...To Prevent.
War?
Alien Rosenberg [nodding his head up and down slowly]
War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word?
Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt?
[Rosenberg nods as the control room shuts down and he dies; Orion looks down from a ledge and meows]
"To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt." What the hell does that mean? [to K] Dr., uh...Whatever, come here.
Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?
Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.
I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.
Edgar/The Bug
[To an exterminator who has come to spray the cockroaches in his barn]
Just what exactly do you think you're doing here?
Exterminator
I'm here to take care of your pest problem.
Edgar/The Bug
Pest problem? PEST?!
Exterminator
Yeah, you got one hell of an infestation.
Edgar/The Bug
[Referring to the human race]
You know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum. Totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.
Exterminator
Well, yeah. Uh, don't you wanna get rid of 'em?
Edgar/The Bug
Oh, in the worst way. [Kills the exterminator with his own pesticide]