James Darrell Edwards / Agent J quotes from Men in Black (1997)

You trying to catch a beat-down, huh?!

You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good.

HEY! OLD GUYS! Do those still work?

Why do you suppose none of the other officers saw either of these two events?

Well, sir, some of the other officers are a little soggy around the midsection. I guess that's why they weren't able to keep up.

Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am -

What the hell are you talkin' about? I am half the man that you are.

Agent K

Where are you going?

Yo. Hey, man, what the hell is all this?

Agent K

Back in the mid-1950s, the government started a little underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.

Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers.

Agent K

This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to use the Earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see the movie Casablanca? [James nods] Same thing, except no Nazis.

Oh.

Agent K

We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing.

Uh-huh. So these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was just a cover-up for their landing.

Agent K

Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year, and they live among us in secret.

Um, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?

Agent K

'Bout six months ago; it's company policy.

Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but, uh... [handing the file back] ...why don't you show me the door?

Agent K

All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time, there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough; they're just trying to make a living.

Cab drivers.

Agent K

No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things.

But why? Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.

Agent K

A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

What's the catch?

Agent K

The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you 'til sunrise to think it over. [walks away]

Hey! Is it worth it?

Agent K

Oh yeah, it's worth it... if you're strong enough.

Hey, uh, what--what branch of the government do we report to?

Agent K

Well, none. They ask too many questions.

So who pays for all this?

Agent K

We hold the patents on a few gadgets that we confiscated from out-of-state visitors, um...Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction... [shows James a tiny disc] This is a fascinating little gadget. It's going to replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the White Album again. [points out another device] Oh, that is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why.

Agent K

Human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. [turns it off] That kinda makes you proud, doesn't it, huh?

Zed

Edwards! Let's put it on.

Put what on?

Zed

The last suit you'll ever wear.